Ghosts of Our Pasts: Part 2- Discovery

So on to the second part.


I've known about me not being the "norm" since about 4th grade. The only difference is, I didn't really realize who I was, or even wanted to know. Only because society is what I kept following, and who I seemed to be, didn't really fit.


As I mentioned before, I grew up in an area where the man had to be, THE MAN. Not the woman. And I've always felt out of place. When I was little, I've always liked playing with some of the girls toys, including my sisters. Usually I got to play with them too, but as I grew up, they started to let me play less and less. Then it got to the point where I learned that it was wrong to play with anything pink. Plus girls wouldn't let me play with them anymore, and when I could, they always wanted me to be "the husband". I was a boy, and I had cooties.  But I couldn't be with the guys either, they always picked on me, and played rough. I did not like that. I mean why would people like to wrestle each other during recess? That makes no sense to me.


Then came sex ed. This is actually when I started to realize that I was different. The sad thing? I realized I could never have a child. I mean, I can never birth one. At that time I was curious on how I was going to be when I'm older. I though I'd have a family, and have kids that I could take care of. But of course I didn't know how babies were made, so when I saw the video....I didn't freak out, I didn't laugh, i just....well, cried. I learned that I had to try to hide my real self  if there was any chance of living a normal life. I knew I had to be a guy now.


Okay, so maybe I didn't really think that. But I did realize that I was a boy, and will always be a boy, and nothing can change that. I mean I was a kid after all, and kids follow trends, and can't think with that much complexity :P


So for years, I learned to study, and act more like one of the guys. I've always been very good at analyzing and studying. That's why I was labeled as the smart kid for a very long time. But most people didn't realize that I used this ability to learn about society. And because I learned to act like a guy, I started making friends. Many guy friends. Some of them I've even been friends with since like 6th grade too, and yes, they are still my best friends. And I though that I will now be normal.


Wrong. Dead wrong.


One secret that no one, and I mean like no one ever knew about me, is that I started to experiment by crossdressing. First time was in 6th grade and I've always tried to do it in secret. I was never caught, but did come close a few times. Wouldn't that have been super embarrassing. I don't know what I would have done if I was caught. And honestly, I didn't know why I would do it either. All I knew is that it felt more comfortable to do it. It seemed better to do it, and honestly, more normal. I did have an understanding of what looked good together, and what didnt. It just felt right. The longest (before coming out) I've ever stayed in girl clothes was a whole weekend. It was awesome. I was so happy, even though I couldn't share it with anyone.


Still, I kept hiding for fear of what people would do if they ever found out. I mean, I usually was around jerks who made fun of the LGBT community, and although it ticked me off, they kept doing it. I did share my distaste for it, but they didn't care. Well, some didn't care. Other's didn't make fun of them. Either way, it made me distrust people and not want to come out at all. I've heard stories, as well as seen videos, and even read stories about members of the LGBT community and the downside of it. So I stayed under the radar instead.


Last thing for today. I do consider myself catholic, with many other philosophical beliefs, including buddhism. So i'm more spiritual than religious. I do believe there is a God out there, and He has a plan for me and everyone around us. So this also affected me on wanting to come out. Always hearing that God hates "F***" and Queers are going to hell. Right before I came out I started to ask people why God hates people if the bible says he loves everyone. All they could come up with was "Its says it in the bible!" But that's an argument for another time. :P Okay so maybe for next time. We'll see :D


In short, this is basically me and how I came to be. Mostly hiding, and always being scared of what could happen. And you know what? I like that I'm out. Its made me less cynical, and angry at the world. I'm more happy with myself than I've ever been in my entire life! And a word of advice to everyone reading, be true to yourselves. You'll never be happy with your life until you're happy with yourselves. Be you! Be who you want to be! Challenge yourselves to become a better you than you could ever imagine! If you can't do that, you'll just end up unhappy for the rest of your life. And no one wants a grumpy pants in their life! :P


Until next time, with love.
~Elle