Sparkles...

To start things off this week, I ended up finding the strength to defeat a fear of mine on Tuesday, December 20, 2011. I thought I'd never be able to do this, but with the help of my friend Tyler, I was able to get my ears pierced. :)


I've never pierced anything before, and I've always wanted to. I do happen to remember when I was younger, being a little jealous that my sister had her ears pierced, and I wanted to as well. As I grew older, of course the feeling stayed with me, but more and more fear kept settling in. One of my bigger fears though, was me being outed. On top of that, I've always been afraid of needles. So, since I was a "guy" (and back then thinking I'll never actually get to be me), I just forgot about it.


Well, now that I'm finally myself and living full time, I decided to try and go for it again. This was back in June. I ended up panicking, and backing out of it. Then I thought the same thing again in July, then August, and so on and so forth. Each and every time, I'd find a way to back out of it. Either by forgetting about it (sometimes on purpose), or just being busy. It was getting a tad bit ridiculous.


Don't get me wrong, I sincerely wanted to do it. I am just paranoid about everything in my life and over think everything. My sense of needing to know every little detail, and looking at all the possibilities tends to be more of a curse for me. Some people seem amazed at how I can see so many possibilities and whatnot. Its a little difficult to explain without an example. Luckily I have one! :P


So, essentially the more I think about it, the more paranoid I become. As a warning, this is the simple version of what goes on in my head. Usually its a lot more, but I'll keep it as simple as possible. You can skip it if you'd like. First thing that goes through my head, is the subject. This time? Getting my ears pierced. So I was wondering who I can go with? Okay, now that I got a few people, just in case some (or most) people can't make it, I at least have one. Now, where could I possibly go? Well, there's like six different places. Three places were suggested by friends. Okay, which one should I go to? Well, one has a bad rep for screwing up piercings, plus its in a public place where everyone can see me. Scratch that. Well the other two are professionals. They don't even use a gun, which I heard is more terrifying than....needles....oh god.....I hate needles! So many things can go wrong! I mean, it isn't like at the doctor where even more things could go wrong, like getting air bubbles in the syringe and killing me. Or if its someone inexperienced, can't find the vein or...wait... its okay. Different type of needle. Still, things can go wrong....what could go right? Well, let's see....everything can go well. But what if I get someone inexperienced, what if it actually does hurt, and a lot?  What if it gets infected? What do I do? Do I go to the hospital? Ugh...I hate explaining my situation to strangers especially if I don't know if they are LGBT friendly. Wait....OH CRUD! What if the place isn't friendly? They will probably ask questions, but what if they throw me out? What if people are rude, or mean there? 


It just goes on and on from there. Trying to find every single detail, and trying to psych myself into believing that things will go alright is difficult. Even when logically, things should be okay. You know what though? Everything did go better than expected. :)


Everyone was very nice, and polite. Of course, for legality's sake, I had to use my legal name, and Id. They gave me a quick glance and smiled, as if they didn't expect it, but didn't really judge. They used my preferred name, used correct pronouns, and was over all very friendly. The piercer was very friendly, and explained how it all worked, what he did, and how much pain I would be in. He knew exactly what to say as well, to help calm me down. Essentially it hurts less than when you bite the inside of your cheek or tongue. They sanitize everything (and I mean everything, including the chair). I picked out a couple of pink studs, and he jokingly said that most girls do. He told stories, joked around, coworkers shared in laughter, and well, it was a very good experience. Some of the nicest people I've ever had the pleasure to meet. Now that the worst is over, I've been thinking....maybe....just maybe...I should get another piercing. Maybe even a tattoo! :) Another fear has been conquered.


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie


P.S. I did tell my mom when I got it, and all she said was "hahaha, did it hurt? How much did you cry?" I love you too mom! :P

Back your normally scheduled program...

Well basically. At least I'm trying to get back to a normal one day a week posting, same time every week. So hectic lately, as my last post suggested, but at least it is definitely getting back to normal. Well, as normal as a life with a transgirl can be! :P And as promised, the good news from last time....


One of my closest friends from this town, who's helped me deal with some of the emotional breakdowns I've dealt with since becoming a girl, has had something wonderful happen to her. Sara and Michael, after 3 long and wonderful years, are finally engaged!


Sara and I have known each other for over a year, but really didn't start hanging out too much until about 2 months before I started living full time. Since then, we've talked and hung out all the time. Gone shopping, and just had all around fun. We have gotten really close, and well, she asked me something I really was not expecting.


She asked me to be one of her brides maids! ^.^


Now....the reason why I say this, is because I seriously did not think that I would ever be invited to becoming a brides maid. Especially by someone who has known about my past. I really don't know, but I guess its a mental block that I have on myself.


Let's see here. For the longest time, I could never see myself getting married. Always yearned for it, but I could never see myself actually getting married. At least in a tux. What is scary is that I've had dreams of myself in a wedding dress, and looking like my true self, but never as a guy. Okay, it was way more scary before I came out. Now that seems more normal. :P  Anyway, beside the point. I'm both terrified and excited to be a brides maid. I've been a groomsman, and a best man, and yes, I was always jealous of how I would never be on the other side. Now that its actually happened, I was speechless. It will be a little nerve wrecking, but it will be a good experience. Besides, I'm so happy for my friend! 


I'll probably end up panicking more when the time gets closer, but for now, I think I will be fine. Its just another reason for me to get into better shape!


Anyway, that's pretty much it for now. There were a few things though that I wanted to share with you though. Because of a friend of mine that I have recently met (and by recently I mean like 5 months ago), I've started becoming more involved in gay rights. Starting off by just reading more articles about it, but maybe soon I might be out there, showing my support. Here are a few links to articles that have made me want to be out there more. To show that these kids are not alone.


Transgender kids: Painful quest to be who they are (CNN)


Lead by a child who simply knew


Third one is mostly about the new civil rights frontier:


Trangender people: The next frontier in civil rights


Well, that's it for this week. Starting to feel good now that I am getting back on a weekly schedule, and can finally go to my group again. :)


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie

Good for the soul...

Alright, well, just another update it looks like for this week. No big topic or anything. Just another venting session/thought based post about my life thus far. Hopefully I'll figure out a topic for next week.


I'm so scatterbrained and stressed that I feel like I might break down soon. Yes, I'm loving the new me so far, but there are so many things that I have to take care of, and in so little time, I'm just beginning to feel overwhelmed. If it was possible, I would love some help, even if the only help they could give is just be there when I come home from a very long day of work, in a place where I seem to be almost unappreciated. Life has been difficult. Not in a bad way, just difficult. So many challenges to overcome.


After about a month and a half of trying to find a new doctor, I finally got an appointment with someone close by.  The original person I wanted was not available, so then I tried finding someone else. Then I found out she wouldn't be able to help me, but then finally the original doctor I was looking for became available. Although this sounds simple, it has made me more stressed than I would like to be. Because of this, I'm almost out of my medicine. I will be out for a few days before my appointment, but hopefully everything will be okay. At least I found another one.


More good news....more like good stress....my friend was accepted to the University of Washington a few weeks ago, which means that I will be moving in with him and another friend by the summer. More than likely June. Now its time to find a new apartment, and a new job within the next six months. So although this is another good thing, its still more stress than I would like.


Some bad, unneeded stress that I can definitely do without though, is dating. I've gone now on several different dates, and they all end with a bitter sweet taste. Either they end up being jerks, loving someone else and can't be with me, or aren't comfortable enough with how I am. Luckily I have made a couple of friends out of my failed dates. For now though, I need to get through this little rough patch so no more dates for a little while. No matter how cute he/she might be.


Then there's work. Like I mentioned I've felt a little unappreciated. Yet, the higher ups seem be expecting great things from me. Adding more pressure, and essentially one on one training with some of them. Sadly I cannot take a vacation now, because of the new doctor, and the move to Seattle, I will have to save up as much money as I can for the next few months. A quick side note though, as I was going to work today, I witnessed an accident. Luckily no one was hurt badly, and well, it just wasn't a great way to start my day...


And to top it all off....one of my closest friends is leaving soon....I will miss him terribly, and I just don't know how to tell him goodbye, or how much he means to me. He's been there for me when I've needed him the most, and he's been one of  the biggest influences in my life. He will be traveling abroad for a semester, but I'm afraid that I might not see him when he returns because of my plans on moving. Even if I do, it wouldn't be for long. And then who knows when the next time I'll be able to see him, since he'll be off to better and brighter things and so will I. One of the greatest people I've had the pleasure of working and being friends with. Tyler, I hope you have a great trip, and I hope, even though we will be a country apart, and eventually (hopefully) just states, that you will find a great life. I will miss you my friend. Stay in touch. :)


Now that I've vented a little (and cried a lot) I feel better. I've been feeling so emotional lately. Crying for no reason, or because I feel everything. Of course the stress doesn't help at all, but at least I can feel now. I've spent most of my life just feeling dead inside and faking everything. So yea...its annoying but at least its a good kind of annoying. Maybe its because I'm finally able to be myself, or maybe its because of the stress, or the lack of sleep. Oh god....I need to stop rambling now. Life will get better, it always seems to anyway. :)


Until Next time, with love,
~Ellie


P.S. A friend of mine asked me something last week. Something that also has brightened up my life a bit. I won't tell you until next week though. Just because I like being a pain sometimes. :P

Most important thing in life...

First off, I know I promised to do a double update, but when I got back home, the internet was down. For two days. I could not believe how antsy I got just because I felt that I had no connection to the world. Kind of interesting how our lives revolve around the internet and phones and whatnot. Anyway, hopefully everyone else (at least in the states) had a great thanksgiving. :)


So, I'm glad to be back home after visiting family. I haven't seen them in almost 2 years, and on top of that, this was the first time as myself. Yes, it was ridiculously awkward. I can't even imagine another scenario that could be this awkward....at least in my life. Anyway, I haven't been able to sleep, so by the time I saw my parents I was dead tired. Already off to a bad start, without being able to organize my thoughts.


I felt torn the entire time being there. It felt familiar, yet so much has changed, and since I seem completely different now, it just felt almost surreal. As if I was just there, posing as someone else, essentially replacing him. My old self. No one really knew how to act around me, or even knew how to talk to me. Most of the time they talked with others around me, and well...I didn't know what to do. So I kept to myself. This wasn't just family though, it was also my friends. They seem to accept me, just seem more like they aren't comfortable, or still just feel awkward around me. I had mixed feelings those few days...


For those who did want to talk, I would talk, and I would not hold back (aka I wasn't too shy, since I still spoke with honesty and truth). And I thank those who did. I know it must be really difficult, both for them and for myself. It's something we all have to get over, and will get over soon enough. Hopefully.


It wasn't all bad. I mean, there were many good aspects of the few days that I was there. Even my mom tried to call me her daughter, and referred to me as a female. At least she's trying. I know I should have tried more to show that I'm comfortable like this, but it was the first time being like that around old friends and family. It'll get better with time, I'm sure of it. Another aspect of this weekend, that I wanted to mention, was my clothes. I mostly just wore jeans and a tee, but my shirts weren't always just a plain old t-shirt. Some were nicer than others. On Thursday though....I decided to wear....something nicer. My friend Sidney did mention to me something that seemed to help tons. To help convince my family and friends that my new life isn't just a phase, but who I am, I shouldn't just wear jeans and t-shirts. I should go super girly. :P Okay....so I didn't go super girly, with a skirt, heels, lipstick and all that junk. It's nice to dress like that sometimes, but for me, its too much. Maybe on special occasions. Anyway, all I decided to to was wear my flats, dress pants, and a nice long sleeve shirt that I really enjoy wearing, and basic stuff with my hair. Nothing extravagant, but I looked nice.


Well, that's when I noticed how more people started referring to me how I would rather be referred as. And things began to get less and less awkward.


After things died down, my mom and I were sitting on the couch, just chatting. She was watching tv, and I was playing a game on my DS (yes Tyler, it was Phoenix Wright :P), and I began to feel....normal with her. Comfortable really. Then she asked me something that caught me a little off guard.


Are you happy?


Well, I gave her the short, one word answer, but I really wanted to be more thorough in my explanation. So here it is, for my mom, and everyone else out there:


My life is now more hectic than ever before. More people are in my life that I could imagine. My job is horrible, and hectic, and gives me a good amount of stress. Deal with bosses still getting used to the new pronouns. Explain to customers or other employees why they referred to me as he, not she. when said bosses screw up. Need to make an appointment with a new doctor asap since my old one moved on, which is more stress. Need an eye doctor appointment too. Fix or sell my car. Some financing needs to be done. I need to start my legal name change soon, because I am now starting to have a difficult time with my debit card/Identification. Apparently people think I'm using my brother's stuff. Find a new job in Seattle within the next 6 months. CLEAN. MY. APARTMENT. Deal with bills on top of bills. Find a new place to live for when I move to Seattle. Visit and talk with friends/family more. Pray that my grandfather will be alright, and that my mother can make it to Mexico safely. Remember to take my pills on time every day, and not forget about it for like 4 hours. Figure out why I keep finding jerks to date. Continue tossing out my old clothes (or donating them) and get new clothes. All this translates to....STRESS STRESS STRESS!!! SO MUCH TO DO! 


I love it.


For the first time in years, I feel normal. I feel like living, I feel alive! I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I feel more like I don't have to hide, and can be myself. I have lost about 80 lbs trying to be myself. Yes, there are some rough spots, but life is slowly but surely getting better with each passing day. I love myself, and am happy to finally be me, and feel like no one is judging me (well more than everyday normal thoughts :P) and even if they do, who cares? I now see what most people have been telling me for a while. I am a strong person. I have been through a lot, and now have the confidence to fight back if need be. Fight for everyone's right to be themselves. Strong for those who still are frail and finding their path through life. I am more than just happy. I am finally free, to be myself and to embrace life with everything it has to offer.


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie


P.S. So yea....kind of a funny story with my bosses. I was able to talk to them about using the correct pronouns and it went better than expected. Granted, it bothers me hearing them calling me he instead of she, but lately I've had to explain to some new employees because of this situation. Apparently they wonder why they call me a man when I clearly look female. The explanation I have to give them is that my parents picked out a boy's name, and really wanted a boy. But it turned out I was a girl. So legally I have a boys name. And since that was the case, the bosses always saw my legal name and assumed I was a boy. So when they finally saw me and knew me, they realized I was female, but its still difficult for them to get used to me having a legal boy's name. Hopefully that makes sense, but yea, that's the story I told them on the spot. A little elaborate, but it gets the job done. And its not entirely a lie.... :P

Happy Thanksgiving!

Okay, so two things. 1) I stayed with this blog for a whole year and (mostly) kept writing in it. 2) I need to schedule time for myself just for this. No excuses, just because work has kept changing my schedule does not mean that I shouldn't be able to write here once a week. Also, the fact that I bought Skyrim last week has nothing to do with me putting the blog off either (insert sarcasm here). Great game....must...not....let....it.... consume me! :P

A little recap of what has been going on. Work has been hectic, but at least my hours have decreased a tiny bit. Helps with dealing with stress. Need to call a new doctor this week, since my old one has moved away. On top of that, I also gave up on dating for a while. Too many jerks to deal with. :/ Oh! Before I forget, Transgender day of Remembrance was on sunday this week (November 20). Every year this day is to remember those who we have lost, just for daring to be themselves. We even held a public event on the 17th to help spread awareness. All thanks to a friend for setting up the entire thing. :) My thanks goes out to you. I'll probably write more on this later (hopefully this week). :/ Okay. How about I give myself a deadline by saying it WILL be done. :) So, back to why I've been stressed lately. My family.

Last time I saw family, was probably last winter for a day, but in reality, its been a few years. I've always avoided them, just because I was afraid of what they would think of me if they ever discovered about me being a girl. I came out to them over a year ago, and I still worry about what they think of me. I miss my family dearly though, and want to see them again. They also want to see me, even though I am not the son they thought they had.  In short, I'm going home today (Tuesday, November 22, 2011) for thanksgiving. 3 and a half days with them. The closer its been getting the more and more I worry. The stress has been killing me just because I have no idea how things are going to play out. Most of my old friends, and none of my family from back home have seen me since my transition. I am going to be a stranger to them, a fact that I have now accepted.

Another thing that has made me worried about this week, is that I don't know how my family is going to act toward me. Its going to be awkward for sure. They say they love me no matter what, but we shall see. This is another ultimate test. Ugh! I just don't know what to think. My logical side knows that its going to be okay, nothing bad is going to happen, but my irrational side has been giving me nightmares, as well as just overall stress from this visit. Especially since I'm not just seeing my family, but my best friend's family as well, who might as well be part of the family. As well as most friends.

So many nightmares, each one worse than the last. I haven't really slept in a few days, and tonight is no different. I know I need the sleep since I'm leaving early(ish). Alright, enough with ranting about nonsense. Hope for the best but expect the worst. I need to relax...

With love, until next time,
~Ellie

A mile in their shoes...

Ugh....so yea. Made lots of money this pay check, but with being sick, and over working myself its not worth it. I can't continue to push myself this hard, and I need to start making time for myself. I have started drawing again (haven't in about 2 months) and have even come up with an idea on a webcomic. More on that later, since its still in the early stages. For now, let's get to the main subject. How other's need to respect each other, even if people don't agree with each other's point of view.


The LGBT community, and those of other minority groups have always had difficulty trying to make a stance for themselves, and basic human rights. We are all the same, we have desires, dreams, a longing for someone to love us. Just because the ideas on what those might be may vary, does not mean that we aren't all wanting the same thing. The faster we start realizing this, the faster we start working toward a common goal: Advancing the human race through the arts, politics, sciences, etc. Helping each other, instead of breaking each other.


The reason on why I'm writing about this, is because of the current issue happening here in this town. For a few months I've seen a few cars possessing a "straight pride" sticker. I could never decide if it was intentionally trying to fight against gay rights, or if it was just them being left out or something. I just let it be. This week though, there has been a group on campus starting to push their "beliefs" more and more. They apparently have fliers posted, and are trying to recruit, even started making t-shirts with the words "straight pride" on them and selling them.


From what I have gathered, this group is essentially a derogatory movement by a majority trying to stop other movements that are caused by minorities. I'm not saying that being straight is a bad thing. This group is trying to get a movement going, and be acknowledged as something big. They even want a "straight pride month". The problem with this is that it hasn't had the experiences that all the other movements had to deal with. They haven't experienced being singled out for not fitting into the social norm. They haven't had hate crimes against them, basic human rights removed, or even killed for being different. Honestly, have you ever heard of a straight couple being called names, or even attacked just because they were straight or looked normal? No, because that is the social norm. Being straight, and I hate to say it, but as well as being white is the norm in American society. Although we have come a long way, apparently there is still some hate. You shouldn't judge by how people look, or even by who they love. Remember, we all have the same desires as everyone else.

So yes, what this group is trying to accomplish is wrong. Stopping immigration, diversity, and anything that has to do with gay rights, and only promote the norm is wrong. But that is what they want to believe. They just seem to be a little ignorant. I have plenty of friends who were like that before, and after finding out about me, they realized that the world isn't as black and white as it seemed before. In fact, a few of my closest friends were homophobic until I explained my situation.


You can't change people by brute force. Sometimes it's necessary (not talking about violence, just something that stands out, like protesting) to just get their attention. Once you have it, all you can do is educate them with a clear and concise argument showing your point of view. Now that the LGBT community is becoming more known, and bigger, we are not such a minority anymore. So we all need to stand up, and not be stupid about our ideals. We need to be the bigger people, and show respect. After all, we are fighting for our rights and to be respected, right? Just because this group is being ignorant, doesn't give us the right to act like jackasses in front of them just to prove that our point is "right". Here's the kicker, our point isn't right. It's just another view. We are fighting for equal rights for all. Straight and non straight alike. So let us all show a little respect, and educate others when we can. Not everyone is going to want to listen right away, but given time, I believe we will all learn from each other, and respect each other a little more. We need to try and walk a mile in each others shoes for a bit...

Until next time, with love,
~Ellie

P.S. I hope this made sense. It was a small rant on both parties being a little less than respectful, and plus I'm a little drugged at the moment. This cold is not gonna win! I shall be victorious! More drugs please! :) Okay...maybe not, maybe a cup of orange juice will suffice! :) Okay, done now. I think.

Lesser of two evils....

Lately I've been fighting with myself. A lot. People say they want one thing with me, then say they aren't ready, or just send mix signals. On top of my already stressful job, this hasn't helped me. In fact, it has made me almost ten times more stressed. Which, in turn, has weakened my body enough to catch whatever is going around. Everything just seems so overwhelming now. Not a single good sign is to be found this last week. So, with stress, and feeling everything, going from being super happy, then all of a sudden really frustrated, and just a cascade of overwhelming emotions. From depressed, to extreme happiness. Trying to find a way to control it, and find a balance.


Welcome to being a girl.


Many of my friends have said this to me. Yea. I chose this path, and I knew it was going to be difficult, and bumpy, but wow.... I really feel like life is sending me something good, just to take it away right away. I just sometimes wish it was easier. So many things keep coming up, to knock me down, and although I'm still getting up, I feel like I'm close to being knocked out. Is it because this town is too small for me? Am I not interesting enough? Are people really that selfish? I really do not know.


I guess I'm just getting mixed signals from everyone. It feels like they are just playing games with my heart/mind.  "You look beautiful, have a wonderful personality, and are plain amazing!" Different people have said this to me (either one part, or all of them) yet most of them have ended in "I can't date you", "I'm in love with my ex still", "I have some baggage I need to figure out still", or best of all, just end up being creeps who only want one thing. These are just the people I've gone on dates with. Everyone else I meet, it feels to me that they also give me mixed signals. :/


Like I said, maybe its just me.


So why do I chose to be like this if it seems to make me miserable, and a bit crazy? Why am I dealing with being over emotional and everything seeming to fall apart? Simple. I hated being a boy.


It was worse for me, dealing with being fake, not being myself, and just feeling wrong. Depressed, and suicidal, I didn't want to deal with that anymore. Everything would make me angry. There was no hope of a better life in anyway it seemed like. Instead of taking a quick way out, I decided to explore the unknown options. Yes, I felt like a girl, and felt like my body was wrong, so before actually taking full action on that one thing, I decided to figure things out. Turns out, I'm a better person as a girl, then I ever was as a guy.


So my new life is still slowly being built. I can't have a stable life until my foundation is set. Slowly the pieces are falling into place, and yes, I'm a little impatient at times. When things aren't going my way, I tend to feel terrible and cry. It just comes with the new life. I need to keep reminding myself that good things will come to those who wait. As of now though, I think I'll keep crying for a little bit longer. It at least makes me feel a little relieved.


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie


P.S. Eventually I'll get on an actual topic again. For now though, I think I just need to write my thoughts, especially since they are all over the place, and I need to figure out a way to organize them. :/

Chaos and discord....

Apologies for not posting the last two weeks.....and I was doing so well too! The last month has been both a blast, and a painful month. Lots of things happening in my life. Although most of them being good, the one bad thing that has happened was effective enough to give me nightmares every night, torment me during work, and wanting to just be anti social. That will be another story for another day, if I decide to write about it to the public. For now, the good stuff. :) And well.....I guess I will write this in chronological order. Yes, it took me almost 20 minutes to figure out if I should do it that way, or with related subjects....I am such a dork. >.<

We last left off talking about how I had a date going for Friday, September 30th was my first date with a boy. Ever. And my first one in over a year. It turned out to be great! Walked and talked mostly. He seemed quiet enough, and well, it went well. Our second date though (two days later) not so much. Essentially, he had some things to figure out first. Which is ok, because he ended up bringing something up that had been hidden away in my mind for quite a while. Called things off right away, before things got too complicated. :/ At least I've been feeling better since. :)

Now, the weekend of the 7th of October was a great time. This was the Vandal Homecoming, in which Alumni   return to play together again in Marching band. I was welcomed by everyone, including people who hadn't been informed about my transition yet. We marched, played, drank, and had a great time reminiscing about the past, and catching up with old friends. Overall a very fun experience. Definitely going to return next year!

Work, work, work. More stress and its just becoming more and more difficult of a job. Mostly because my social life feels like its pretty much gone if I don't schedule anything, and no one can sub for me if need be really. Its a terrible feeling, just being either at work, or alone in the apartment most of the time. With new hires, hopefully this will change soon enough.

Now....I've been dealing with my "bad thing" and can at least stand, and be strong again (still not going to write about it :P ).  On the bright side, someone ended up contacting me Sunday night via online. We ended up pretty much chatting, and talked about many, many things. On the third day (Tuesday), we ended up having an impromptu first date with coffee and a bagel. I told her about me, and we have been pretty much 100% honest with each other so far. Talked over IM from 2 pm till about 5 pm, in which I then went to meet her for our date. We stayed up until about 3 am just talking. I haven't done that in so long. And there were very few, if any, awkward pauses during our conversation. Today we hung out for a bit once again. This weekend will be hectic, but we will keep in touch it seems. She seems to like me, a lot, and although we both are thinking of leaving this place in late May, early June, we said that we'll just see where things will take us. :) Hopefully it'll be a good place!

Until next time, with love,

~Ellie

P.S. I'm so exhausted....sleep. now. I think I'll finally be able to sleep well once again.

Dawning of a new era....

So. Interestingly enough, this week has been pretty terrible, but I kept my hopes up. Not sure what changed in me, but I'm out of that stupid rut that I have been in for a few weeks now. Well, at least I got out of it a few weeks ago. Moaning and groaning about it seemed to make it worse. I truly gave up on complaining and instead, just lived life.

I just kind of went with the flow, stressed and all, but knowing who I was, and what I wanted to achieve kept helping me through it. Even when I ended up getting oil from one of the fryer vats land on my face last Sunday, I kept going. Yea it hurt, but I needed to keep pushing. So glad that I was able to stop most of it, and wipe most of it off my face. Very lucky. On top of that, I have also injured my back. Probably with the lifting of heavy objects. It's pretty much been one bad thing after another. >:(

There is something that has changed recently though, a little ray of hope. Well two things. 1) The weather. :) Yes, its gotten colder, and it has actually rained recently. I always prefer it to rain over sunny days. Besides, cold weather just makes it better for cuddling. :P And 2) I have a date!!!! ^.^

Okay. So I pretty gave up on trying to find someone. I really didn't have time to go out to the bars or parties to even meet people. Especially when working full time, and then trying to hang out with friends and running errands on my days off. It just wasn't working. So I joined a dating site, a free one, because I didn't want to pay money for something I didn't think I was going to use very often. Well, to my surprise, on my first day, someone contacted me. We've been messaging and texting back and forth since. We just talked about whatever really. Getting to know each other. Talked about where we are from, dating, relationships, thoughts on things, you know, basics. Finally yesterday, I was wondering if he was going to ask me out. Nothing was happening......so I took a chance....and fumbled a little...but the words went through. I was so nervous for the answer. He said yes!!! ^.^

He seems really nice, and sweet. I can't wait for our date, and we shall see how things go. I must be careful since this is my first date in over a year, and well....I've never been in a relationship where I was truly happy with myself. Plus I've never dated a guy, so we shall see how everything goes. One step at a time. To start things off though, I wanted to be completely honest with him. Starting off anything with a lie is bad, so I told him about myself. That I've only been on hormones and living full time as a woman for 4 months now. I used to be a boy, but have always felt like a female. That I am a girl, nothing less, and all that jazz. He completely understood my situation, and was still willing to go out with me! I guess it helps that he's bi. :) I hope things work out, and of course I will have to be careful along the way. He is still a stranger, no matter how nice he seems, for now. I'll keep everyone posted though on what happens. Now, time to go rest because my back is killing me! At least life seems to finally be getting better. :)

Until next time, with love,
~Ellie

P.S. I was so not expecting my post to fit so well one after another. I thought it would take a few weeks, but wow, things are changing faster than I though! ^.^

Darkest before dawn...

Lately, life hasn't been so great. Things keep popping up in places where you might not expect to, and can hit you without warning. Money. Work. Friends. Relationships.  All of these have been adding stress to my life, that I really do not need in this transition. Having to worry about everything, including myself? Ugh! Too much!


Money. Bills, bills, and more bills. I save a  little bit from each paycheck just so I can continue to change my wardrobe. Now that I finally have a decent amount of clothes for summer, fall has started, and winter is right around the corner. Its hard to keep up! And its expensive if you want to look good. :P The one good thing about the bills though? My doctor bills are paid in full. Stress- a gazillion billion or something. Lost count. Relief-1. At the very least lol.


Work. Wow....talk about thankless. Really. Prime example. We raised our prices of cheeseburgers to 1.19. 1.27 after tax. Our owner/higher ups did not tell us about this change. Not even a warning. So what happens next? We get customer after customer blowing up at us. It happened for about a week and a half. Yea. We have control over our prices. On top of that? Drama. Lots of it. People need to grow up honestly. Only good thing with work? I have a job, income, and I've made some good friends there. On top of that, they are okay with me being me. Stress......still pretty high. At least relief is starting to come back.


Friends. Its tough to say. I know they will be there when I need them, and are willing to hang out. I also understand that they are busy and have a busy schedule/life. It just feels like I might not be too important in their life. I've been pretty anti social most of my life, only socializing with people I actually know and want to be with. Parties? Yea right. I avoided them as much as I could. Point is, being alone, and with no one to hang out with, make me think about bad things. Especially now that I want to be more social. I'm comfortable enough with myself now, that I want to just be with people for a change. Good thing? Well, some people, have pushed around their busy schedules just to actually talk to me, or be with me. There are a few people trying, and I appreciate everything they do. I'm not angry at my friends or anything like that. Not at all, just would be nice to see people again. :)


Relationships. Non existent. Seriously. I haven't been asked out, or anything in over a year. Its as if no one seems me, I'm not interesting or anything. It is a terrible feeling! I'm here! Please someone ask me out! I promise I'm not intimidating! Anyway. Yea so its non existent. But you know? Its okay. I had a lot of growing up to do, and I had to make sure I was truly happy, not just sort of happy with myself. I needed to love myself, and be happy with what I was becoming. Since starting to transition, I've always had doubts. Will I pass? What if something bad happens? Am I dressed appropriately? Tons and tons of questions. All going through my head at once. I need to know me, and be happy with myself before getting into anything serious. Good thing here? Actually, really isn't one. But at least I'm not upset or depressed about it! :)


So I've actually started to look at more positives lately. I'm by no means an optimist. I'm more of a realist. So why am I so cheery with things seeming to go wrong, or at least not my way? Simple. I don't know. :)  It has been a rough ride, and there are still many bumps in my future. All I can say is that I began to feel all my stress hitting me at once last week. It felt like I couldn't do anything about it. No one to help me, no one. Finally, I decided to stop holding my breath, and closed my eyes. Deep breathe, in, then out. I began to listen to everything. Not words, but surroundings. Feel everything. Smell, taste, then see. I......something snapped in me. 


Well, it was more of a realization. When things seem at its worst, there is always hope. I was letting everything that was going wrong in my life get to me. Granted, nothing really was/is going my way, but that's not the point. Just don't let it get to you. With this, I was able to make great progress in my transition. For the first time ever, I actually can fully admit that I pass. I PASS. No, better than pass. I am me. A girl, a person. 


Instead of looking down when I walk, I look up, and smile. People look at me, and smile back. Lately, my thoughts of "OH GOD CAN THEY SEE STRAIGHT THROUGH ME AND REALIZE I'M NOT A GENETIC FEMALE" have gone to more of a "He's cute, I think he's checking me out!" And that can be replaced with she as well. :P Just in the past few days, more flirting from my end has even happened. I don't always realize I do this, but my friends sure do. I even started to stop trying to dress like one thing or another, and just dressed how I like with what I like. Yea pea coat, military hat, and batman belt buckle! :P I'll have to post a picture of that sometime. I just wore it cause I like it, but I did overhear a group of girls talking while I walked by, glancing in my direction. At first they were quiet, but then I heard them say, "Is she really wearing that?" Of course my first thought was "oh god...just keep walking before something bad happens." but then they said, "How can she pull that off, its cute but it really shouldn't be."  "She looks so confident" Another one said. I think I also overheard something about them being a little jealous. I quickly glanced around, and there wasn't any other girl near me. They were talking about me. I went inside this little bar/restaurant, listened to some great music, and all was well. :) Maybe it was just me, overthinking things, again, but in a positive manner. Or maybe I did hear it correctly. Either way, I felt good. Although I know some doubt will always linger, Much of it has been eliminated. I am confident. I don't really care what the world thinks of me anymore. I like me, and that's what's important


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie
P.S. Yea, this is kind of a two parter, but eh, its pretty much what happened this week, and I really didn't want to split it up! :)

A Brotherhood So Strong....

A while back I did a quick recap of when I came out and where I was. I mentioned a fraternity.

My fraternity.

Phi Mu Alpha is a music fraternity that promotes music in America. Its wonderful. Lots of singing, and many great friends that I've made with my experience there. Not friends, Brothers I should say. They were with me through the rough times, as well as the great times. Everyone has their own experience with the group, and although mine was a bit.... unorthodox, one thing is always the same. A strong bond is formed.

Yes, when I was in college I decided to join a fraternity. Yes, a fraternity, not a frat. It was my second year here, and a few people were still trying to convince me to join since my freshman year. "Well, I do like music, and I do need to start socializing more" I thought to myself, still trying to figure out if this would be the right path for me. Although it took me a while to decide, I went for it. One of the best decisions I've made to date.

Although I was with the group for three years with no one ever knowing about my secret, I still felt a sense of belonging with the group. Not only did we do our weekly meetings and whatnot, but we all hung out with each other outside of meetings and events. Of course it wasn't until April of my last year in college when I went to Tacoma for a small fraternity event when I finally broke down....

April 27-28

It wasn't anything big. Three of us from the Beta Sigma chapter decided to go over to visit another group of Phi Mu Alpha members in Tacoma. Fun times all around. This thing though....in the back of my head keeps nagging me, telling me I should come here, and start a new life. It would be easier and no one would ever have to know. I started feeling trapped again. This isn't who I am, this is a fake person. I shook it off, trying not to think about it. I'm a man.....just have to keep reminding myself of that. Back at the hotel, that feeling just kept pushing and pushing more and more. I just wanted to cry. I was having a breakdown, and it was going to be my worst one yet. I can't cry in front of my fraternity brothers though, what would they think of me? Okay. We are enjoying a few beers now. Sharing? Okay. Maybe I should tell them about me, and what I've been feeling. What if they won't understand? I can't stand it anymore! I NEED TO TELL SOMEONE! No.....need to be strong. Need to stay strong.....bed....yes, maybe sleeping will help.

On the trip back....things did not get easier. It was eating inside of me. I texted a few people about how I felt. Once home, I broke down. For hours. I couldn't lie to the world anymore, or myself.

From that day I began realizing who I am. Found some help, talked with many people, and slowly began to come out.  The day I ended up telling the fraternity (a few Brothers already knew at this point) was the first time I fully understood the meaning of brotherhood. I was nervous when I told them, scared too. I didn't know how they would react. Shaking with fear, and my throat tightening up, I was able to make the words come out of my mouth. Yes, some of them were in shock, while others weren't really that surprised. But they all got up and hugged me. I was still a part of the group, a part of them, and I would still be the same person no matter what. They accept me for who I am, not what I look like.

I took a year off from seeing anyone really. Friends or brothers. Even family. I needed to try to figure out my path in life and becoming who I need to be. I'm far from there, but now I'm at the point where I feel comfortable enough with who I am. Enough to pick up where I had left everyone. As the new me.

I've reconnected with old friends and my Fraternity just within these last few months. I am going to attempt to make more meetings and events with my Brothers. They have always been close to my heart, and always will. I've only gone to one small meeting, that was more of an ice breaker for potential members. Most people were confused, given the situation, its understandable. For those who knew me back then though, welcomed me. They didn't really treat me any different. It was a wonderful feeling, feeling welcomed and feeling like if I never left. Most don't even call me Brother anymore, but Sister without even asking me, which always seems to put a smile on my face. The only tough thing I had to deal with was when we sang. I always had trouble hitting those low notes, even as a tenor I. Since I've been practicing my voice, and pretty much using a higher voice, its easier to hit the higher notes, but almost impossible to hit those pesky low ones! :P Thank you Brothers, for keeping me in your life, and allowing me to keep you in mine.

Until next time, with love,
~Ellie
OAS AAS LLS

P.S. Yes, that quick flashback was pretty much me rambling to myself in my head. I do that a lot. Still.

Fear of change....

People never change. I hold this truth close to my heart. Maybe its my realist side (or for you optimists out there, my pessimistic side :P ) or maybe its something else. Either way, this is what I see. A big reason why I'm always cautious when meeting new people. They may appear to be kind, and friendly at first, but soon will show their true colors when you least expect them to.

I'm not saying everybody who appears to be a good person will become an evil psycho or anything like that. Not at all. There are things we as humans do tend to change. We want everyone to like us (in general), so we hide our bad traits. Then, without really thinking, our "bad" or at least more annoying traits tend to rise up into view. A good example of this is when you talk to someone for a few weeks, they seem like a great person, you know, kind, caring, helpful, etc, when after that week, you notice them trying to control more and more things. Or you might notice them being lazy, or a little neurotic, or whatever. The point is, you will never know their true colors right away. It takes time to actually know, and understand a person. Even when they are hiding a secret, those closest to them will know and be understanding when the time comes.

So. People never really change. At least not overall. Their likes tend to be the same, same quirks, same humor. When people actually change, its because of a very traumatic experience they may have had. So what about someone like me? My body/gender is changing, so my personality is as well right? Am I becoming a completely different person?

Its complicated.

Yes, things are changing in my life, and to some extent, my personality is receiving more of a tweak, than a complete tune-up/change. For those who may have known me as a casual acquaintance, or just a regular friend, would never have picked up my true personality. Only the more important ones. Love of music, video games, snowboarding, sci fi, overall a nice and helpful person. Unlike people who would see me everyday, interact with me on a more personal level, like my closest friends, would actually get a chance to see the more real me. Like my sensitivity, and more feminine characteristics. All in all, my personality hasn't really changed. I'm still that geek, still love what I do, all that fun stuff. I haven't had a traumatic experience that has made me want to change. So why do people think I'm different now?

Well, for one, I'm more outgoing. The more comfortable I get in my own skin, the better I feel, which makes me want to be social. I hated putting myself out there, but now I do it almost daily. I'm more confident in everything I do. My sad/depressed moods (the super intense ones) are gone. I feel like myself. In coming out, I've been able to embrace my best characteristics, and just enhance them.

People never really change. Same goes for myself. My likes and personality are the same, nothing has changed. This new person isn't that much different from who she was. She's just happier, energetic, and way more social, and you know what? I like her this way. Maybe its not so complicated. People do tend to over complicate things. Maybe the answer is just, simple. :)

Until next time, with love,
~Ellie

Keeps on turning...

Life goes on.


No matter what we may or may not do to try and slow it down, it will keep on going. Sometimes its wonderful, and other times we tend to just hit the rough spots. For me it feels like I'm missing something. Something that should be there, something that I desire, that I need in my life. More than just something, I need someone.


A special someone.


Don't get me wrong, I'm doing really well, I'm super happy! Nothing can be better in my life right now! :D Okay....so maybe that's a little lie. With every new, good thing that happens in my life, a terrible one seems to show up. Lately its just been with relationships. It has been a year and a week since I've been in a relationship, and even longer since I've been on a date really. It has been a terrible few weeks. I need someone by my side, someone to love, and to hold me, to be there when I need them to be. I have tried looking for it once again, only to be cast aside, like if what I feel didn't really matter. Either the people I seem interested in, find someone else, or flat out tell me that they really don't want to do anything with me. You know, typical stuff. It just seems to hurt worse because of my situation. As if somehow, people don't want anything to do with me because they might see me as a freak. These kind of ideas keep replaying in my head over, and over again, making me doubt myself a little, and never being sure whether I should go for it, or just keep my mouth shut.


In all honestly, yea it doesn't make me feel good, but luckily I have a few projects to keep me distracted in the mean time. At least to not think about it as often as I could. With gaming, setting up vent and minecraft servers, drawing, and writing in my blog, those tend to help. Even this project that my roommate has dubbed Project: Eve has helped a lot. I have claimed the writer position and am having a grand time building and creating this universe full of history, society, politics, and much, much more. Being creative really tends to distract you from real life. It is a completely different world, and you are giving it life. An amazing feeling.


Speaking of distractions....I seem to have gotten off topic a little. Back to the story. :P


Life is life. It keeps moving forward no matter what we try to do. When we trip, we have to pick ourselves back up. When we feel like everything is working against us, we need to push back and be strong. When we  feel like we can't do it, too exhausted and feel like giving up, we need to lift our heads, stand up and walk. Yeah, life is terrible at times, its what we do with those rough patches that make us strong. A few wise words that my roommate has said is this:


Life goes on, whether we want it to or not.


And its true. Life doesn't care if we are happy or not. It doesn't have the choice to do that. We do. We can choose to look at the positives, to be happy, even when its at its darkest. To enjoy the little things that happen. It is a lesson that everyone has to learn. Including me. I'm not perfect, and never will be. I have had doubts in my mind on why people don't seem interested in me. That's not true though. I've had guys that have come in through the drive through a few times, and chatted with me for a bit. Others, tend to talk a little longer than usual. Sometimes, just being out in public, guys actually seem to at least be friendly. This has never happened to me. I always wonder if I'm passing, since people tend to stare at me sometimes. Lately though that has changed. Especially because a coworker was really surprised at how many people wanted my number after going through the drive-thru :P




Until next time, with love,
~Ellie


P.S. I hate change sometimes, especially with technology, because I had to rewrite this again. Since i didn't want to try the new look for the dashboard yet, it glitched and posted without words. I couldn't even edit the post afterwards!  >: (  I think I'm better though, now that I'm not trying to strangle inanimate objects. :P

The Real Me....

Finally! A day off tomorrow! X(


Alright, so long and terrible couple of weeks so far. Just with work, people quitting, not doing their job, lots of arguing, me being used as a filler because i can actually *do* my job, etc. Its been rough to say the least.

Good things so far? Passing. Feeling good about myself. Still have some doubts, but overall, can power through them. People see me as female, and only female, no questions asked. Even on my worst days (rushed to do makeup, and my voice isn't hitting in my normal range) they see and hear female. Hormones are finally balancing out (at least it seems like it) and I feel, I guess normal. I feel my full range of emotions (although at times they do seem to be intense) and I'm appearing more feminine each passing day. Starting to feel normal finally. 


There is a question that people seem to ask quite frequently though. Why am I choosing this difficult lifestyle? Can't I just be happy the way I am? You don't have to change yourself to be happy.


Good question. And you are correct! In a sense.


I am happy the way I am. I am a girl, and I always have been. This is me, not changing my personality or anything. I'm just slipping out of my costume, and it feels great to not pretend.


When I was "him", I always felt the need to pretend. To act like I like the things other boys do. To rough house, to be a man. Forced to live in a society of men. Pretended to be someone who I'm not. Every time I looked in the mirror, that boy, man, always stared back. An empty shell. Every picture taken was of him trying to sell a fake smile. He was dead inside, just a shell. An old costume that people enjoyed seeing, but never got to know the history, nor the actress behind it. She was inside, yearning to show her real face, her true identity. Everyone knew the character, but not the person portraying it.


Its a very painful feeling, and most will never experience it, or never understand. Some can relate, but only in a small way. It is a very difficult idea to grasp. How can one be expected to smile, when their true colors are hidden? When one feels like they are looking at a person who clearly exists, but it isn't them? You see a person in the mirror, and it isn't you. Where are you? You don't even know what you look like...


It is a terrible feeling. And even after coming out, it was (still is) difficult to see that other person at times. With time though, they will transform. Your inner self will begin to gain strength, and shine through the darkness. The shadow, the dark past will begin to fade, it will be lost, but it will never be forgotten.


Honestly? Our past is full of secrets that most of us will never want to share, or even remember. I, for one, chose not to forget. It is what makes us whole. Without it, we have no future.  We may dislike parts of our past, but we would not be the same person we are today if it wasn't for the past.


So, back to the question. Why am I changing? I'm not. I'm still the same person. This girl is a gamer, snowboarding, loves ninjas, is a giant (and I mean GIANT) geek, that can still hang with the guys, but still has her feminine side. After a few months, I finally began to see her through the costume. She is strong, stronger than I thought possible, more outgoing and the person who I really am. And you know what? She fits me better.


I am me.

Until next time, with love,
~Ellie


P.S. ~Afterthought~


Every time I see an old picture of me, I just see another person. Yes, it was my past, but it wasn't me. He is a different person, although I will miss him. It is a little strange though, I do seem to feel a little bit sad. Its as if a close friend/family member has passed away, never to be seen again. Memories of his life are left in tact, but did he really exist? It is a very strange feeling. I bet this is what some friends/family might be feeling toward my situation. His memories will live on though. Huh....Seriously interesting feeling I can't even explain it, at least not yet. New point, new feeling. Must reflect and meditate on this. More on this later, if I figure it out.

Together we are strong...

So I've been pretty busy lately, and will keep being busy, so I'm trying to keep up with my blog. And for those of you who actually know me, no....its not because I'm addicted to Pokemon: Diamond! Lol. No, I've been working more these last two weeks, and this upcoming week, I work for 6 days straight. Already I can feel myself getting exhausted! That's beside the point though. Last Saturday night (August 13th) I had friends come visit me for the weekend. I gotta say it was a blast! My friends (both old and new) loved each other, and it was just overall fun.


To be more specific, there was a Drag show that evening, and one of my friends was curious about being trans. He is definitely feminine, but doesn't really know too much past that. Helped convince him to at least come out, and hang out, and if he wanted to dress up, it would be a safe environment.


So he did.


And you know what? I've never seen him open up as much as he did. He was really happy, talkative, and really fun to be around. People kept asking us if he was a girl or a guy! Awesome. My friends were able to transform him, with little difficulty, and he seemed to enjoyed this, hidden side of his. He's been a good friend of mine for...I want to say about 8 years, if not more. Only recently have we've gotten really close. Helping him with information, tips, anything really. I did tell him though, that this is his choice, and he needs to see how things work out. Hopefully he'll be able to see someone (with an actual degree in psychology, of course) to help him on his way. As well as he now has a support network to help him too, every step of the way. Good luck finding your own way through life! I'll be here for ya, no matter what you decide!


Only downside of that night, was the bouncer did not believe that was my ID. Awesome. Good news, and bad I guess hehe!


Lots of fun, drinking, dancing, and socializing. I really needed that in my life right now. :)


That's it for now. Like I mentioned before, been pretty busy, but really didn't want to leave everyone just waiting a whole week. Time to relax, on my one day off....


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie
P.S. My other friend, who wore a spirit hoodie, even in drag, was amazing. If I can get pictures, I'll try to post em! Hope to see them again real soon!

A rose by any other name...

A name is just an identification system that we receive when we are younger to be able to individualize us throughout our life. Once we are given this tag, which could have a certain meaning at the time, we then, ourselves develop it into something wondrous. We individualize the name, and ourselves into a unique being, a life that no one else has experienced. Their own memories, experiences, no one can take those away. But what about some of us who never quite fit the mold? Our name never quite fit our personality, our way of life?


When growing up, I loved the name Israel. It was a wonderful,  powerful name. It just wasn't me. Half of the time, if someone called me that, I wouldn't even turn. My nickname (one of many to come) though, I liked, felt more like me. Izzy, as I came to be known to my friends, teachers, and family. Somehow though, it still, wasn't quite me. It still had a piece missing.


It wasn't until I came out, and started thinking of my name, when I started to feel more whole. As my female self, Izzy, finally seemed to work, but only those closest to me (partly because they would have a very difficult time to remember me by a different name >.< ) would use that. Eventually, I started to be known as Ellie. Now, most people call me Ellie, and It feels like its my true identity.


Most trans people that I've seen (not all, but many) seem to pick out their name by simply choosing their female counterpart. If that works for you, then by all means, do it. Not for me. I wanted it to have a deeper meaning. Isabelle was my choice for middle name for two reasons. 1) Isabelle-Israel so people can still call me Izzy, and 2) I thought it was pretty. My first name, was for a completely different reason.


Elena. Yes, its a simple, yet elegant name. Reason for choosing this name? My mother.


She has always shown strength, even in the darkest of hours. Always had confidence in everything she has done. Yes we've had our spats every once in a while, but what mother/child hasn't? Even now, I know she feels like she's losing a son. Yet she still supports me, worries for my safety, and makes sure I'm okay. We used to be very close when I was younger, but I pushed myself away from her. Afraid that I would be rejected, afraid of what would happen to my family, if the world found out about me. I needed to stay away to protect them. I was wrong. I needed them more than ever.

I told my mom about me last September. Back then she definitely thought this whole thing was a phase, although I've thought about it all my life. I'd only recently been out to close friends at that point as well. The more we talk though, the better it gets. She still doesn't fully agree with what I'm doing, but she sees that I'm happy, for the first time in years, I'm actually happy. You may be losing a son, but you are gaining a daughter. Someone who has always been there, and will always be there. She is full of life, and needs your caring guidance. Please love her. Help her blossom to who she is suppose to be. You are her mother first and foremost. I'll never forget that, and I hope you don't either. 


She continues to support me, even through this whole transition.  I chose her middle name, because it shows her strength and character. I want to show that same strength and character in everything I do. I want her to be close to me, always

Laura Elena, I will love you, now and forever. Thank you for everything.


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie

Two months...

Its been just over two months since I've started my hormone therapy. Although I began to have doubts that this was for me, it has gotten a lot better. No longer have I felt angry or depressed or felt the need to hide myself. Of course there are the occasional spurts of depression when life keeps throwing curve balls at you, but I've gotten over those rather quickly. Best part about it? No more suicidal thoughts.

Growing up, because I didn't know what I was, or why I felt the way I did, I kept thinking I was a freak of nature. With my family being religious, that did not help. I mostly tried just focusing on my school work. A few times I did wonder what would happen if I was never around. High school was the more serious time, when I tried to figure out how I could do it, and almost went through with it. Another story for another time though. Glad things got better.

Sometimes I do feel like a freak, or doubt myself in my ability to pass, but when that one person says Ma'am or gives me a compliment on how pretty I look, all my doubt seems to melt away. Surprisingly, that's been happening more often now. Almost exponentially. With each passing day, I feel better and better about myself. More confidence, and more outgoing. I never knew life could be like this. It has been an amazing few months. Well sorry that this blog post isn't too much longer, but I'll make up for it with pictures. :)

The new me. As of July 31, 2011. Just over two months of therapy, still getting in shape, and finally being truly happy with who I am. :) Best feeling in the world!

Asking roommate to take pictures, but wasn't ready for it. Oh well, look cute anyway! :)

As of January

As of July 31. Finally it feels right.

So the last two, comparison of the change from January to July. 6 months. Still not there yet, but getting better. I'll just have to keep it up!

Until next time, with love,

~Ellie

P.S. I have a tumbler now, where I'm writing a few short stories about my friends DnD campaign, fantasy, and scifi or whatever. If interested here's the link:  A few short stories, of not so everyday life And yes, the title is a work in progress. I even have the link up in my profile for future reference. Update everything. New me, new style. Hope you enjoy! :)

A world full of....

Hate. Pain. Everywhere there is suffering. People hurting others, and fighting. Nothing good can ever come out of violence. Especially when the violence is instigated by hate.

Many of you may not have heard about the terrorist attacks in Norway. It was a real tragedy, and my heart goes out to all the families it has affected. If you would like to learn more about this, here is a  link to the most up to date news:

http://www.cnn.com/2011/WORLD/europe/07/22/norway.explosion/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

Hate is everywhere. People will get angry and get violent when they see something strange or they don't agree with it. We appear to be a violent species. Always destroying to get our way. Not just terrorists, racists, homophobes, etc., but ourselves. We destroy and rebuild everything the way we want to, whether its the environment or ourselves. There are radicals everywhere, it doesn't matter if its religion, or just one's beliefs. We always seem to slow down the  progress of humanity.

We don't need to hate each other because we aren't the same. We are all different, and we must accept that. Forcing ourselves to only know one thing, and never wanting to see everything and learning about everything is to stop progress. There are radicals on both sides. Yes there are some evil men out there as well, but that's not the point. We need to lead by example. We need to help others when they are in need. Support them no matter what they believe. There is so much hate in the world, and it feels like I can do nothing about it.
 
If you see someone being attacked for no reason on the street or in the store, would you do anything about it? If there's a chance you could be hurt, would you save another life from certain death? There have been people to just stand there and watch while bad things happen. Heck a few months ago there was an attack on a young transwoman, for no reason other than being herself. No one helped her, and in fact, employees watched and recorded the whole thing while it happened. So what can I do to help? Surly I, a young transwoman cannot possibly do anything to change the world, or help those in need right?

I can be me.

Everyday, I keep becoming happier and happier because of my transition. I'm passing more, and becoming more outgoing. With this, I can help others in need. Whether its helping a customer find something they would like, listen to a friend when they are in need, or even wave hello to a complete stranger to brighten up their day. If someone needs assistance on the street, I will be there. We need to support our fellow human beings. It doesn't matter if they are of a different race, religion, or whatever. If they need it, we should help. It doesn't matter if they hate trans people, or anything. Yes there are dangers involved in this, but we cannot be afraid all of our lives. We are the ones who will shape our future. We are the ones who the younger generations will look towards. The world will keep turning, but we are the ones who have to fight for whats right. Equality, acceptance, understanding. Three simple words that together will help power our future, improve all relations, help make a world we can all live in.

I know I can't fix the world, but I sure can make it a better place.

Until next time, with love,
~Ellie

P.S. Love for Norway, and those who have been lost. Let us never forget.