Lesser of two evils....

Lately I've been fighting with myself. A lot. People say they want one thing with me, then say they aren't ready, or just send mix signals. On top of my already stressful job, this hasn't helped me. In fact, it has made me almost ten times more stressed. Which, in turn, has weakened my body enough to catch whatever is going around. Everything just seems so overwhelming now. Not a single good sign is to be found this last week. So, with stress, and feeling everything, going from being super happy, then all of a sudden really frustrated, and just a cascade of overwhelming emotions. From depressed, to extreme happiness. Trying to find a way to control it, and find a balance.


Welcome to being a girl.


Many of my friends have said this to me. Yea. I chose this path, and I knew it was going to be difficult, and bumpy, but wow.... I really feel like life is sending me something good, just to take it away right away. I just sometimes wish it was easier. So many things keep coming up, to knock me down, and although I'm still getting up, I feel like I'm close to being knocked out. Is it because this town is too small for me? Am I not interesting enough? Are people really that selfish? I really do not know.


I guess I'm just getting mixed signals from everyone. It feels like they are just playing games with my heart/mind.  "You look beautiful, have a wonderful personality, and are plain amazing!" Different people have said this to me (either one part, or all of them) yet most of them have ended in "I can't date you", "I'm in love with my ex still", "I have some baggage I need to figure out still", or best of all, just end up being creeps who only want one thing. These are just the people I've gone on dates with. Everyone else I meet, it feels to me that they also give me mixed signals. :/


Like I said, maybe its just me.


So why do I chose to be like this if it seems to make me miserable, and a bit crazy? Why am I dealing with being over emotional and everything seeming to fall apart? Simple. I hated being a boy.


It was worse for me, dealing with being fake, not being myself, and just feeling wrong. Depressed, and suicidal, I didn't want to deal with that anymore. Everything would make me angry. There was no hope of a better life in anyway it seemed like. Instead of taking a quick way out, I decided to explore the unknown options. Yes, I felt like a girl, and felt like my body was wrong, so before actually taking full action on that one thing, I decided to figure things out. Turns out, I'm a better person as a girl, then I ever was as a guy.


So my new life is still slowly being built. I can't have a stable life until my foundation is set. Slowly the pieces are falling into place, and yes, I'm a little impatient at times. When things aren't going my way, I tend to feel terrible and cry. It just comes with the new life. I need to keep reminding myself that good things will come to those who wait. As of now though, I think I'll keep crying for a little bit longer. It at least makes me feel a little relieved.


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie


P.S. Eventually I'll get on an actual topic again. For now though, I think I just need to write my thoughts, especially since they are all over the place, and I need to figure out a way to organize them. :/

Chaos and discord....

Apologies for not posting the last two weeks.....and I was doing so well too! The last month has been both a blast, and a painful month. Lots of things happening in my life. Although most of them being good, the one bad thing that has happened was effective enough to give me nightmares every night, torment me during work, and wanting to just be anti social. That will be another story for another day, if I decide to write about it to the public. For now, the good stuff. :) And well.....I guess I will write this in chronological order. Yes, it took me almost 20 minutes to figure out if I should do it that way, or with related subjects....I am such a dork. >.<

We last left off talking about how I had a date going for Friday, September 30th was my first date with a boy. Ever. And my first one in over a year. It turned out to be great! Walked and talked mostly. He seemed quiet enough, and well, it went well. Our second date though (two days later) not so much. Essentially, he had some things to figure out first. Which is ok, because he ended up bringing something up that had been hidden away in my mind for quite a while. Called things off right away, before things got too complicated. :/ At least I've been feeling better since. :)

Now, the weekend of the 7th of October was a great time. This was the Vandal Homecoming, in which Alumni   return to play together again in Marching band. I was welcomed by everyone, including people who hadn't been informed about my transition yet. We marched, played, drank, and had a great time reminiscing about the past, and catching up with old friends. Overall a very fun experience. Definitely going to return next year!

Work, work, work. More stress and its just becoming more and more difficult of a job. Mostly because my social life feels like its pretty much gone if I don't schedule anything, and no one can sub for me if need be really. Its a terrible feeling, just being either at work, or alone in the apartment most of the time. With new hires, hopefully this will change soon enough.

Now....I've been dealing with my "bad thing" and can at least stand, and be strong again (still not going to write about it :P ).  On the bright side, someone ended up contacting me Sunday night via online. We ended up pretty much chatting, and talked about many, many things. On the third day (Tuesday), we ended up having an impromptu first date with coffee and a bagel. I told her about me, and we have been pretty much 100% honest with each other so far. Talked over IM from 2 pm till about 5 pm, in which I then went to meet her for our date. We stayed up until about 3 am just talking. I haven't done that in so long. And there were very few, if any, awkward pauses during our conversation. Today we hung out for a bit once again. This weekend will be hectic, but we will keep in touch it seems. She seems to like me, a lot, and although we both are thinking of leaving this place in late May, early June, we said that we'll just see where things will take us. :) Hopefully it'll be a good place!

Until next time, with love,

~Ellie

P.S. I'm so exhausted....sleep. now. I think I'll finally be able to sleep well once again.