Sweet Dream, or a Beautiful Nightmare? Pt. 2- Hope

So last post was pretty dark. And Luckily I don't get as many nightmares as I used to. I think it may be in part to me coming out, and finally being more and more comfortable with myself. I'm not entirely sure though. Well, as I promised, here's a dream that has occurred to me a few times now. Never have I had a dream repeat itself, but with minor changes to the story. Anyway, here we go.

I'm very excited for Saturday night to arrive. I haven't been a girl long, started hormones a few months back, and definitely looking more feminine, as well as going to school full time. But at least I've been a girl long enough to finally start being accepted by society. My society. High school society. The prom was merely days away, and everything was going well. I had an amazing red dress all picked out, hair appointment set up, a ride and everything. Even my friends and family were excited for me. Everything was going well except one thing. No date. Its understandable though for who would want to ask the "queer" out. All was going well though, most of my remaining friends were still there, and we were all going to go as a group.

During school, I still went as the real me. It wasn't without consequences though. Everyday it was the same thing, luckily the physical abuse had deterred and now it was mostly verbal, like queer, and fag. This week was different though. Although the verbal abuse has now shifted from the norm, to prom related insults, I wasn't letting anything get to me. No sir, no way. Saturday was going to be the best night ever no matter what.

The big day had finally arrived. I had just gotten home from having my hair done, and my friends and I were heading over to the prom site. We needed to set up, we were on the prom committee after all. The theme was interesting. Most high schools were doing exciting and fantasy style themes like a James bond style, or a magical night full of fairy tale dreams. We decided to go a different direction. It was more in the style of a classic spanish soap opera (don't ask why, I honestly have no idea). The room was gorgeous. Roses everywhere, ivy climbing pillars, trees, and everything. Marble stairwells, and floors. It really looked like we were outside on a balcony.

Everything was set up, and we started getting ourselves ready. I was the last one to finish. Nervously, I walked outside of the room I was getting ready in, and people just turned, looked at me, and everything got quiet. Real quiet. I was nervous enough as it is, and the silence really worried me. I didn't know what to do. I just looked down, covered myself as much as I could with my harms, turned and was about to run back in the room and cry... and then a voice shattered the silence.....

You look gorgeous.

I stop. Look up. And there it was. A reflection of my real self. All the flaws I worried about, trying to make sure I still passed, they weren't there. All I could see is a beautiful girl, with wavy black hair. Her dress was a beautiful shade of red, that seemed to just flow with her curves, with subtle, chic black heels, that seemed almost invisible. I really couldn't believe my eyes. It really was me! All my doubts, all my worries seemed to just, disappear at that point.

Everyone started talking about how amazing my transformation has been. But most importantly, a close friend of mine, came up to me, and once again said "You really do look gorgeous." We've known each other for a while, and he's been very supportive of my situation. But then he said something that I never expected him to say. "Will you go to the prom with me?" I just looked up at him, turned to my friends, who were all nodding excitedly, looked back at his deep blue eyes, and with tears in my eyes and a huge grin on my face, I quietly said yes, and let him hold me.

The rest of my night was beyond perfect. An amazing dinner, met his family, who apparently loved me, although my past was never brought up, and then the dance. The night was amazing. It was a dream come true.

The end of the night was nearing. We had just finished dancing, and we both went outside to get some fresh air. We talked about how the night was going, and how much fun we were having. Then I asked him why he asked me to go to prom with him. I really was hoping that I wasn't a last minute choice, or worse, a pity date. We started talking about our past, and how unhappy I was growing up, having to hide. He jokingly said that I didn't hide my feminine side very well, because he always saw me more as a girl, than a boy. And although he's not attracted to males, he did wonder what he would do if I was a girl. I just turn to him and ask what with a smirk. He turns, holds me in his arms, looks deeply in my eyes, and just says "This".

He kissed me.

All I could do was kiss back. I was pretty sure I was attracted to girls still....but this....this seemed right. The kiss seemed to last forever, and my heart was racing. I was melting as tears of joy started rolling down my cheeks. The night was indeed, perfect.

I've had this dream a few times now. Twice it was with the same guy, and once with a girl. In reality, I am attracted, physically, more to girls. But honestly, I have to say I fall more in love with personality than anything else. So I could end up with anyone honestly. And here's a secret. I have gone to prom twice, but I've always dreamed of going to prom as the real me, even back then. Although that time has passed for me, it doesn't mean that I will never have a magical night like this happen to me in real life. And hope I shall! :D

Until next time, with love,
~Elle

Sweet Dream, or a Beautiful Nightmare? Pt. 1- Darkness

We all have dreams. Sometimes, its what you look forward to at the end of a long day. Other times, dreams can make you wish you never had to sleep again. I'm the type of girl who seems to remember quite a bit about their dreams. On top of that, I tend to feel, very distinctly I might add,  every emotion that happens in said dreams, as well as every "physical" one. I only know of a few people who this happens to as well. Most seem to just forget their dreams all together. For others, like me, it can mark, or even scar, their vision of the real world.

First part- Nightmares...

So although some nightmares that I have are just, well, nightmares, I do tend to get some that involve me yearning to be the real me. These usually end up in me getting into terrible situations. Fears that I still have honestly. Although some, of course aren't very realistic, others do have the potential, can, and have happened to others. From being beat, to actually ending in death. Only because people dare to be the real them. The most memorable one, is actually one of the last one's I've had. And it was before I've gone out in the real world, daring to be myself. Okay, enough stalling. Remember that this is also a nightmare, so none of it actually happened, and its just a glimpse of my twisted mind playing games with me. Our story begins in a little place called......

Portland.

Yes, Portland, Oregon. Although I've personally never been there (yet I've been all over the northwest and whatnot) its where my mind took me. After years of struggling, and trying to find myself, I found myself deciding to move to Portland. I've finally come out of my shell, and was able to live part time as me in this little town, but it wasn't without consequences. People in my old town would pick on me, call me a freak, occasionally beat me up, and plus my ex had just recently broke up with me, but kept playing games with my head. I took most of my belongings, and decided to start a new life, as the girl I've always dreamed of being. Didn't say any goodbyes, didn't even look back. I just got up and left.

Did all the typical things of finding a new job, a new place to live, and all that good stuff. And after a while, things started settling very well. Started making friends, living life and loving it. Had a great job, which everyone liked me there. No one knew about my past, or my secrets and it was perfect.

Too perfect.

6 months have passed, and I was out and about with some friends having lunch and shopping. When my phone went off. It was my ex. I quickly hung up, and hoped that nothing more would come of it. From there, I kept getting messages, phone calls, texts, etc. for the next few days. She wanted to know how my life was going, and how things were. If people knew my big secret and if she could come "visit" for a few days. I told her to stay away, and to never call again. She cannot control me any longer, and she needs to get out of my life. She did not take this very well at all.

A few days had passed, and I didn't hear from her. Everything seemed back to normal, until I saw my ex, talking to some of my close friends there. She turned to me, and smirked, while my friends seemed to be shocked. She had been telling everyone about who I really was. No one was taking it well. Soon, everyone started shunning me, calling me a freak, or a pervert, or worse. I lost my job, lost my apt, and the whole town started to turn against me. People started to throw stuff at me, and hit me when they got the chance. I wasn't safe. Angry mobs were everywhere, and people soon started to hunt me. I tried to run and hide, with no effect. I was quickly apprehended and struck down. I started going in and out of conscious. When I came to, I was bleeding, my clothes were torn, and my face was so swollen, that I could hardly see. I was being dragged somewhere. Angry mobs were everywhere, yelling and throwing things toward the pervert. I kept screaming, with what little strength I had left, "I AM A GIRL! PLEASE! Stop....I am a girl....JUST LOOK AT ME! I am a girl...." No one even flinched. Finally we stopped at the town center. I was lifted up, and tied to a wooden post. I looked around, and saw thousands of people, angry at me. For what I was. A man stood up next to me, raised his arm high, and I screamed as loud as I could, "NO! PLEASE STOP! I'm human! I'm a girl!" He had a torch. And with it held high, he turned, and dropped it in front of me.

The world began to burn.

Flames were everywhere. I felt pain everywhere. I tried screaming, but felt the air trying to suffocate me. Helpless, and in pain, I began to cry. And through the tears, I saw only one thing. My ex, with her arms crossed, and with a smirk.

Fear can do a lot to one's cognitive thinking. Even twist reality. Although there is no way this could actually happen, doesn't mean that you shouldn't be cautious. Fear is there for a reason, and thats to keep you safe. But you shouldn't live in fear, you should learn to control it, and use it to your advantage. There really are dangers out there, and although I haven't really come across anything I can't handle, there is still the possibility.  So be careful out there. Go with a group of friends, never walk alone, but don't let fear keep you down.

I'm just glad I haven't had a terrible nightmare like this in a few months. And although this post was a little dark, don't worry. The next post will really be, a sweet dream. :)

Until next time, with love,
~Elle

The ride so far...

The past month and a half has been full of adventure and wonder. Aka busy like none other. And I feel terrible for not being able to even find a few minutes to post anything. But I have not forgotten about the blog, and now that things are settling down again, I should be able to keep it up. Hopefully.

So, I've been pretty busy with trying to figure out finances and how to deal with work, and figuring out how in the heck i'm going to be able to move to Seattle. Long story short, I can't move to there. Moving is expensive, especially if you don't have a job lined up for when you get there. I will get there, eventually, but for now, its not going to be possible. The opportunity for Seattle isn't gone, its just out of reach for now. Which has opened other possibilities for the time being.

Now that I'm stuck here in this college town for a little while longer, it has made me look for some Doctors to help me out. Surprisingly, there are some. Which, of course, I need to get a hold of this week. So I should be able to start hormones relatively soon, which I'm both scared and excited for. And an electrolysis specialist too. Although i'm definitely not looking forward to all that pain.  :/

Best part though of not moving to Seattle quite yet? Well, I've been able to start living more fulltime lately. Going out to bars, restaurants, and even shopping as the real me. Even hanging out with friends I'm the real me. Only real place left that I haven't been me is at my work. Although most people know about me there, they haven't seen the real me. Not only that, but the store owner is very, VERY conservative. Luckily for me, I ended up having a nice talk with the Store Manager about me wanting to move away, NEEDING to move to a bigger city so I can finally be me. I told her how I've been planning on leaving, but really cannot afford to right now. She ended up smiling and letting me know that I don't need to move to be able to be me. Most people at the store know about me, and will support me. And although it would be awkward at first, people will get used to it, and that she will even try her best to help me at the store. She will talk to the owner about my situation, and all that good stuff. She let me know, that I don't have to hide anymore. That was just the greatest news that I could have heard from anyone. I honestly tried to not cry right then and there. :)

Long story short, I'm staying for a little while longer in this town, getting a promotion at work, and starting to definitely live full time. As well as beginning to start a full transition. Being able to express who I am has made me feel free, and that is the greatest feeling anyone can have.

Until next time, with love, 

~Elle