Most important thing in life...

First off, I know I promised to do a double update, but when I got back home, the internet was down. For two days. I could not believe how antsy I got just because I felt that I had no connection to the world. Kind of interesting how our lives revolve around the internet and phones and whatnot. Anyway, hopefully everyone else (at least in the states) had a great thanksgiving. :)


So, I'm glad to be back home after visiting family. I haven't seen them in almost 2 years, and on top of that, this was the first time as myself. Yes, it was ridiculously awkward. I can't even imagine another scenario that could be this awkward....at least in my life. Anyway, I haven't been able to sleep, so by the time I saw my parents I was dead tired. Already off to a bad start, without being able to organize my thoughts.


I felt torn the entire time being there. It felt familiar, yet so much has changed, and since I seem completely different now, it just felt almost surreal. As if I was just there, posing as someone else, essentially replacing him. My old self. No one really knew how to act around me, or even knew how to talk to me. Most of the time they talked with others around me, and well...I didn't know what to do. So I kept to myself. This wasn't just family though, it was also my friends. They seem to accept me, just seem more like they aren't comfortable, or still just feel awkward around me. I had mixed feelings those few days...


For those who did want to talk, I would talk, and I would not hold back (aka I wasn't too shy, since I still spoke with honesty and truth). And I thank those who did. I know it must be really difficult, both for them and for myself. It's something we all have to get over, and will get over soon enough. Hopefully.


It wasn't all bad. I mean, there were many good aspects of the few days that I was there. Even my mom tried to call me her daughter, and referred to me as a female. At least she's trying. I know I should have tried more to show that I'm comfortable like this, but it was the first time being like that around old friends and family. It'll get better with time, I'm sure of it. Another aspect of this weekend, that I wanted to mention, was my clothes. I mostly just wore jeans and a tee, but my shirts weren't always just a plain old t-shirt. Some were nicer than others. On Thursday though....I decided to wear....something nicer. My friend Sidney did mention to me something that seemed to help tons. To help convince my family and friends that my new life isn't just a phase, but who I am, I shouldn't just wear jeans and t-shirts. I should go super girly. :P Okay....so I didn't go super girly, with a skirt, heels, lipstick and all that junk. It's nice to dress like that sometimes, but for me, its too much. Maybe on special occasions. Anyway, all I decided to to was wear my flats, dress pants, and a nice long sleeve shirt that I really enjoy wearing, and basic stuff with my hair. Nothing extravagant, but I looked nice.


Well, that's when I noticed how more people started referring to me how I would rather be referred as. And things began to get less and less awkward.


After things died down, my mom and I were sitting on the couch, just chatting. She was watching tv, and I was playing a game on my DS (yes Tyler, it was Phoenix Wright :P), and I began to feel....normal with her. Comfortable really. Then she asked me something that caught me a little off guard.


Are you happy?


Well, I gave her the short, one word answer, but I really wanted to be more thorough in my explanation. So here it is, for my mom, and everyone else out there:


My life is now more hectic than ever before. More people are in my life that I could imagine. My job is horrible, and hectic, and gives me a good amount of stress. Deal with bosses still getting used to the new pronouns. Explain to customers or other employees why they referred to me as he, not she. when said bosses screw up. Need to make an appointment with a new doctor asap since my old one moved on, which is more stress. Need an eye doctor appointment too. Fix or sell my car. Some financing needs to be done. I need to start my legal name change soon, because I am now starting to have a difficult time with my debit card/Identification. Apparently people think I'm using my brother's stuff. Find a new job in Seattle within the next 6 months. CLEAN. MY. APARTMENT. Deal with bills on top of bills. Find a new place to live for when I move to Seattle. Visit and talk with friends/family more. Pray that my grandfather will be alright, and that my mother can make it to Mexico safely. Remember to take my pills on time every day, and not forget about it for like 4 hours. Figure out why I keep finding jerks to date. Continue tossing out my old clothes (or donating them) and get new clothes. All this translates to....STRESS STRESS STRESS!!! SO MUCH TO DO! 


I love it.


For the first time in years, I feel normal. I feel like living, I feel alive! I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I feel more like I don't have to hide, and can be myself. I have lost about 80 lbs trying to be myself. Yes, there are some rough spots, but life is slowly but surely getting better with each passing day. I love myself, and am happy to finally be me, and feel like no one is judging me (well more than everyday normal thoughts :P) and even if they do, who cares? I now see what most people have been telling me for a while. I am a strong person. I have been through a lot, and now have the confidence to fight back if need be. Fight for everyone's right to be themselves. Strong for those who still are frail and finding their path through life. I am more than just happy. I am finally free, to be myself and to embrace life with everything it has to offer.


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie


P.S. So yea....kind of a funny story with my bosses. I was able to talk to them about using the correct pronouns and it went better than expected. Granted, it bothers me hearing them calling me he instead of she, but lately I've had to explain to some new employees because of this situation. Apparently they wonder why they call me a man when I clearly look female. The explanation I have to give them is that my parents picked out a boy's name, and really wanted a boy. But it turned out I was a girl. So legally I have a boys name. And since that was the case, the bosses always saw my legal name and assumed I was a boy. So when they finally saw me and knew me, they realized I was female, but its still difficult for them to get used to me having a legal boy's name. Hopefully that makes sense, but yea, that's the story I told them on the spot. A little elaborate, but it gets the job done. And its not entirely a lie.... :P

Happy Thanksgiving!

Okay, so two things. 1) I stayed with this blog for a whole year and (mostly) kept writing in it. 2) I need to schedule time for myself just for this. No excuses, just because work has kept changing my schedule does not mean that I shouldn't be able to write here once a week. Also, the fact that I bought Skyrim last week has nothing to do with me putting the blog off either (insert sarcasm here). Great game....must...not....let....it.... consume me! :P

A little recap of what has been going on. Work has been hectic, but at least my hours have decreased a tiny bit. Helps with dealing with stress. Need to call a new doctor this week, since my old one has moved away. On top of that, I also gave up on dating for a while. Too many jerks to deal with. :/ Oh! Before I forget, Transgender day of Remembrance was on sunday this week (November 20). Every year this day is to remember those who we have lost, just for daring to be themselves. We even held a public event on the 17th to help spread awareness. All thanks to a friend for setting up the entire thing. :) My thanks goes out to you. I'll probably write more on this later (hopefully this week). :/ Okay. How about I give myself a deadline by saying it WILL be done. :) So, back to why I've been stressed lately. My family.

Last time I saw family, was probably last winter for a day, but in reality, its been a few years. I've always avoided them, just because I was afraid of what they would think of me if they ever discovered about me being a girl. I came out to them over a year ago, and I still worry about what they think of me. I miss my family dearly though, and want to see them again. They also want to see me, even though I am not the son they thought they had.  In short, I'm going home today (Tuesday, November 22, 2011) for thanksgiving. 3 and a half days with them. The closer its been getting the more and more I worry. The stress has been killing me just because I have no idea how things are going to play out. Most of my old friends, and none of my family from back home have seen me since my transition. I am going to be a stranger to them, a fact that I have now accepted.

Another thing that has made me worried about this week, is that I don't know how my family is going to act toward me. Its going to be awkward for sure. They say they love me no matter what, but we shall see. This is another ultimate test. Ugh! I just don't know what to think. My logical side knows that its going to be okay, nothing bad is going to happen, but my irrational side has been giving me nightmares, as well as just overall stress from this visit. Especially since I'm not just seeing my family, but my best friend's family as well, who might as well be part of the family. As well as most friends.

So many nightmares, each one worse than the last. I haven't really slept in a few days, and tonight is no different. I know I need the sleep since I'm leaving early(ish). Alright, enough with ranting about nonsense. Hope for the best but expect the worst. I need to relax...

With love, until next time,
~Ellie

A mile in their shoes...

Ugh....so yea. Made lots of money this pay check, but with being sick, and over working myself its not worth it. I can't continue to push myself this hard, and I need to start making time for myself. I have started drawing again (haven't in about 2 months) and have even come up with an idea on a webcomic. More on that later, since its still in the early stages. For now, let's get to the main subject. How other's need to respect each other, even if people don't agree with each other's point of view.


The LGBT community, and those of other minority groups have always had difficulty trying to make a stance for themselves, and basic human rights. We are all the same, we have desires, dreams, a longing for someone to love us. Just because the ideas on what those might be may vary, does not mean that we aren't all wanting the same thing. The faster we start realizing this, the faster we start working toward a common goal: Advancing the human race through the arts, politics, sciences, etc. Helping each other, instead of breaking each other.


The reason on why I'm writing about this, is because of the current issue happening here in this town. For a few months I've seen a few cars possessing a "straight pride" sticker. I could never decide if it was intentionally trying to fight against gay rights, or if it was just them being left out or something. I just let it be. This week though, there has been a group on campus starting to push their "beliefs" more and more. They apparently have fliers posted, and are trying to recruit, even started making t-shirts with the words "straight pride" on them and selling them.


From what I have gathered, this group is essentially a derogatory movement by a majority trying to stop other movements that are caused by minorities. I'm not saying that being straight is a bad thing. This group is trying to get a movement going, and be acknowledged as something big. They even want a "straight pride month". The problem with this is that it hasn't had the experiences that all the other movements had to deal with. They haven't experienced being singled out for not fitting into the social norm. They haven't had hate crimes against them, basic human rights removed, or even killed for being different. Honestly, have you ever heard of a straight couple being called names, or even attacked just because they were straight or looked normal? No, because that is the social norm. Being straight, and I hate to say it, but as well as being white is the norm in American society. Although we have come a long way, apparently there is still some hate. You shouldn't judge by how people look, or even by who they love. Remember, we all have the same desires as everyone else.

So yes, what this group is trying to accomplish is wrong. Stopping immigration, diversity, and anything that has to do with gay rights, and only promote the norm is wrong. But that is what they want to believe. They just seem to be a little ignorant. I have plenty of friends who were like that before, and after finding out about me, they realized that the world isn't as black and white as it seemed before. In fact, a few of my closest friends were homophobic until I explained my situation.


You can't change people by brute force. Sometimes it's necessary (not talking about violence, just something that stands out, like protesting) to just get their attention. Once you have it, all you can do is educate them with a clear and concise argument showing your point of view. Now that the LGBT community is becoming more known, and bigger, we are not such a minority anymore. So we all need to stand up, and not be stupid about our ideals. We need to be the bigger people, and show respect. After all, we are fighting for our rights and to be respected, right? Just because this group is being ignorant, doesn't give us the right to act like jackasses in front of them just to prove that our point is "right". Here's the kicker, our point isn't right. It's just another view. We are fighting for equal rights for all. Straight and non straight alike. So let us all show a little respect, and educate others when we can. Not everyone is going to want to listen right away, but given time, I believe we will all learn from each other, and respect each other a little more. We need to try and walk a mile in each others shoes for a bit...

Until next time, with love,
~Ellie

P.S. I hope this made sense. It was a small rant on both parties being a little less than respectful, and plus I'm a little drugged at the moment. This cold is not gonna win! I shall be victorious! More drugs please! :) Okay...maybe not, maybe a cup of orange juice will suffice! :) Okay, done now. I think.