Update in progress: 90% complete...

So I'm finally getting out of that stupid writer's block and being overly stressed. In fact, I spent the last day or two just updating and rearranging some things. Making it look a little nicer, and just update it so it won't stay stale. Things are definitely going swell! ^.^ Yea, I ran into a few hiccups, but with a little HTML editing, and a friend's help, things worked out. Thank you Karl! :D


Although the sight is pretty much the way I want it, the one thing that I'm still working on, is the archive page. We both are still trying to figure out how to take the widget off the side, and make an archive page. If anyone wants to help with that, please, please, PLEASE let me know! I really don't want to link and adjust everything one by one.


Things are going pretty well though, although I have hit a few rough patches. I won't get into details (yet), but I did hit a bad low, then an incredible high. Again, you'll just have to wait. :)


Oh! And last, but not least, I just wanted to let you guys know that you should check out my friend's page! If you really love technology, computers, websites, and even video games, check out his page here!


 Electronics Fanboy


On top of that, you should definitely read it, because you will also see a few article's from yours truly! :) Mostly about video games, but sometimes other tech stuff. So this is just another project I was helping with while I was figuring out my writers block. :)


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie


P.S For those of you wondering about that picture with the header, it is definitely a picture I drew of a water bender. Yea....it's suppose to be me. :P Don't make fun! I love the Avatar mythology! Here's the full pic!

A tropical water bender. :)

At least it looks like I'm getting better at drawing! :D

Upon a star....

Ah to be optimistic. Wishing, waiting for one's future to get brighter. To find friendship, romance, acceptance. Always wishing, and knowing life will get better. Everyday we will become happier with who we are, and love everything about ourselves. Life will end up being perfect. You know what though? It does not.

Life just isn't fair.

Yes, I know that sounds very cynical of me. Sadly though it's mostly the truth. Things won't happen magically, or change just because you wish or pray for it. It's a truth that most of us seem to refuse to believe.  I spent a good portion of my childhood, even my teenage years believing that everything in life would be perfect. That I would be able to be myself, I would have no worries, and I will just be happy with everything. Life seems to have a way to drain that optimism out of people. Including myself.

It got so bad in college that I was mostly became a cynical jerk. Always angry, complaining about life. Nothing made me happy. Yes, part of the reason why I was like that was because I was still struggling with my identity. Mostly though, it was because no matter how much I wished for something, whether it was for a good relationship, less stress with bills, roommates, whatever, it never came true. I started to just give up on life, and became very, very bitter.

One of the things I've learned from all the pain and misery I've experienced, is that wishing for anything doesn't help, and dreams don't come true. People, and life, will do whatever it takes to make you miserable. Very few will try and make life less miserable. Life will just keep tearing at you, bit by bit, and it feels like you can't do anything about it. Slowly though, what you may not realize, is with all that pain and misery we experience, you seem to get stronger after every experience.

Life's funny that way.

We just have to realize this little idea of us getting stronger each and every day.  If we work hard, we will achieve anything. Wishing and praying for everything never made me happy, just made me very cynical. It wasn't until I finally came out, and worked hard to make myself happy, that I finally began to enjoy life. Yes, it's difficult, and sometimes you just want to do nothing more than just give up. You can't though, it really is worth it. There will still be some hard times, and you won't always have a positive attitude, but you cannot just give up. Slowly it will become more tolerable.

I've worked hard to be where I am today. Not just in my physical appearance or emotional state, but also in my debt, and way of living. I still have a long way to go, in order to stop being so stressed, and of course, I can already see that I will become more stressed in the future, but I just remind myself that if I continue to work hard, it will be worth it. You can wish all you want, but the only way dreams come true, is if you go after them yourself. :)

Until next time, with love,
~Ellie

A different perspective...

Alright, so far, doing well on posting more consistently. Granted it's pretty much every two weeks. At least it's something right? :) I definitely feel better, and so far, I'm in the clear of not being depressed anymore. I just have to keep trying to be positive, be around friends, and not worry about the little things. :)


As I've been going through this whole transition, I've always worried about how others view me. When someone looks at me, I always wonder if I stand out, or if I even pass. It doesn't matter if I'm in a public place, or somewhere more private. It's a fear that I believe I will more than likely have for the rest of my life, if not, at least for a very, very long time. Even as I continue this journey, and gain more confidence, I always have that little voice in my head trying to tell me I don't pass. I definitely look female, and people seem to think so too, but maybe some might not., I can't read minds so I don't know for sure. A few weeks ago though, I did notice something. A change in society, towards myself.


I might be at a store looking for something, and people will come up to me to try to help me find it. At first I thought it was just them doing their jobs. No big deal right? Then I thought maybe that they realized I didn't pass, and felt sorry for me. And because of the second one, panic mode sometimes sets in. Luckily, that one turns out to be very unlikely. Either way, people started to seem very friendly towards me, both at stores and restaurants, and I guess just in general. I didn't even start noticing this until a few weeks ago I decided to go buy a game I've saved up for.


As I got off work (and not even looking my prettiest or even dressed nicely) I decided to buy Diablo 3 (yea. super nerdy, I know) with a friend. We walked around and talked a bit, like we always do, and we looked for someone to help us. They seemed to have found us, were very polite, and sent someone to help me find the game. The guy had to check in the back for a copy, since none were available up front. After about 5 minutes, he came back with nothing. I just told him that it was okay, that I could come back later. It's not that big of a deal. He responded with "Don't worry about it, I'll find it." As he left again, I really was wondering why he was being so helpful. He came back again just to make sure I didn't leave (did this about 2 or 3 times), and eventually went to go find associates to help him. After about 25 minutes, he came back and had found the game. I really was grateful, and of course thanked him. When I got back up front, the other guys assumed that it was my friends. I said it wasn't for him.....they kind of were shocked. Still were very happy to help and talked about how I'm going to love the game, then we were on our way back home. 


Since that day, I've been keeping an eye out just to see if that was a fluke or not. It was not. I've been losing weight, and on top of that hormones have been doing wonders. I don't look too fat (although I can still lose some pounds) and people have noticed me more and more. More friendly, helpful, and well even though it's mostly men, there are some girls as well. I shouldn't worry too much about the world instantly knowing I'm trans. I just just go with the flow, and relax more. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I'm noticing more and more that people seem to treat you differently as a girl. A pretty girl nonetheless. :P


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie