A rose by any other name...

A name is just an identification system that we receive when we are younger to be able to individualize us throughout our life. Once we are given this tag, which could have a certain meaning at the time, we then, ourselves develop it into something wondrous. We individualize the name, and ourselves into a unique being, a life that no one else has experienced. Their own memories, experiences, no one can take those away. But what about some of us who never quite fit the mold? Our name never quite fit our personality, our way of life?


When growing up, I loved the name Israel. It was a wonderful,  powerful name. It just wasn't me. Half of the time, if someone called me that, I wouldn't even turn. My nickname (one of many to come) though, I liked, felt more like me. Izzy, as I came to be known to my friends, teachers, and family. Somehow though, it still, wasn't quite me. It still had a piece missing.


It wasn't until I came out, and started thinking of my name, when I started to feel more whole. As my female self, Izzy, finally seemed to work, but only those closest to me (partly because they would have a very difficult time to remember me by a different name >.< ) would use that. Eventually, I started to be known as Ellie. Now, most people call me Ellie, and It feels like its my true identity.


Most trans people that I've seen (not all, but many) seem to pick out their name by simply choosing their female counterpart. If that works for you, then by all means, do it. Not for me. I wanted it to have a deeper meaning. Isabelle was my choice for middle name for two reasons. 1) Isabelle-Israel so people can still call me Izzy, and 2) I thought it was pretty. My first name, was for a completely different reason.


Elena. Yes, its a simple, yet elegant name. Reason for choosing this name? My mother.


She has always shown strength, even in the darkest of hours. Always had confidence in everything she has done. Yes we've had our spats every once in a while, but what mother/child hasn't? Even now, I know she feels like she's losing a son. Yet she still supports me, worries for my safety, and makes sure I'm okay. We used to be very close when I was younger, but I pushed myself away from her. Afraid that I would be rejected, afraid of what would happen to my family, if the world found out about me. I needed to stay away to protect them. I was wrong. I needed them more than ever.

I told my mom about me last September. Back then she definitely thought this whole thing was a phase, although I've thought about it all my life. I'd only recently been out to close friends at that point as well. The more we talk though, the better it gets. She still doesn't fully agree with what I'm doing, but she sees that I'm happy, for the first time in years, I'm actually happy. You may be losing a son, but you are gaining a daughter. Someone who has always been there, and will always be there. She is full of life, and needs your caring guidance. Please love her. Help her blossom to who she is suppose to be. You are her mother first and foremost. I'll never forget that, and I hope you don't either. 


She continues to support me, even through this whole transition.  I chose her middle name, because it shows her strength and character. I want to show that same strength and character in everything I do. I want her to be close to me, always

Laura Elena, I will love you, now and forever. Thank you for everything.


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie