Keeps on turning...

Life goes on.


No matter what we may or may not do to try and slow it down, it will keep on going. Sometimes its wonderful, and other times we tend to just hit the rough spots. For me it feels like I'm missing something. Something that should be there, something that I desire, that I need in my life. More than just something, I need someone.


A special someone.


Don't get me wrong, I'm doing really well, I'm super happy! Nothing can be better in my life right now! :D Okay....so maybe that's a little lie. With every new, good thing that happens in my life, a terrible one seems to show up. Lately its just been with relationships. It has been a year and a week since I've been in a relationship, and even longer since I've been on a date really. It has been a terrible few weeks. I need someone by my side, someone to love, and to hold me, to be there when I need them to be. I have tried looking for it once again, only to be cast aside, like if what I feel didn't really matter. Either the people I seem interested in, find someone else, or flat out tell me that they really don't want to do anything with me. You know, typical stuff. It just seems to hurt worse because of my situation. As if somehow, people don't want anything to do with me because they might see me as a freak. These kind of ideas keep replaying in my head over, and over again, making me doubt myself a little, and never being sure whether I should go for it, or just keep my mouth shut.


In all honestly, yea it doesn't make me feel good, but luckily I have a few projects to keep me distracted in the mean time. At least to not think about it as often as I could. With gaming, setting up vent and minecraft servers, drawing, and writing in my blog, those tend to help. Even this project that my roommate has dubbed Project: Eve has helped a lot. I have claimed the writer position and am having a grand time building and creating this universe full of history, society, politics, and much, much more. Being creative really tends to distract you from real life. It is a completely different world, and you are giving it life. An amazing feeling.


Speaking of distractions....I seem to have gotten off topic a little. Back to the story. :P


Life is life. It keeps moving forward no matter what we try to do. When we trip, we have to pick ourselves back up. When we feel like everything is working against us, we need to push back and be strong. When we  feel like we can't do it, too exhausted and feel like giving up, we need to lift our heads, stand up and walk. Yeah, life is terrible at times, its what we do with those rough patches that make us strong. A few wise words that my roommate has said is this:


Life goes on, whether we want it to or not.


And its true. Life doesn't care if we are happy or not. It doesn't have the choice to do that. We do. We can choose to look at the positives, to be happy, even when its at its darkest. To enjoy the little things that happen. It is a lesson that everyone has to learn. Including me. I'm not perfect, and never will be. I have had doubts in my mind on why people don't seem interested in me. That's not true though. I've had guys that have come in through the drive through a few times, and chatted with me for a bit. Others, tend to talk a little longer than usual. Sometimes, just being out in public, guys actually seem to at least be friendly. This has never happened to me. I always wonder if I'm passing, since people tend to stare at me sometimes. Lately though that has changed. Especially because a coworker was really surprised at how many people wanted my number after going through the drive-thru :P




Until next time, with love,
~Ellie


P.S. I hate change sometimes, especially with technology, because I had to rewrite this again. Since i didn't want to try the new look for the dashboard yet, it glitched and posted without words. I couldn't even edit the post afterwards!  >: (  I think I'm better though, now that I'm not trying to strangle inanimate objects. :P

The Real Me....

Finally! A day off tomorrow! X(


Alright, so long and terrible couple of weeks so far. Just with work, people quitting, not doing their job, lots of arguing, me being used as a filler because i can actually *do* my job, etc. Its been rough to say the least.

Good things so far? Passing. Feeling good about myself. Still have some doubts, but overall, can power through them. People see me as female, and only female, no questions asked. Even on my worst days (rushed to do makeup, and my voice isn't hitting in my normal range) they see and hear female. Hormones are finally balancing out (at least it seems like it) and I feel, I guess normal. I feel my full range of emotions (although at times they do seem to be intense) and I'm appearing more feminine each passing day. Starting to feel normal finally. 


There is a question that people seem to ask quite frequently though. Why am I choosing this difficult lifestyle? Can't I just be happy the way I am? You don't have to change yourself to be happy.


Good question. And you are correct! In a sense.


I am happy the way I am. I am a girl, and I always have been. This is me, not changing my personality or anything. I'm just slipping out of my costume, and it feels great to not pretend.


When I was "him", I always felt the need to pretend. To act like I like the things other boys do. To rough house, to be a man. Forced to live in a society of men. Pretended to be someone who I'm not. Every time I looked in the mirror, that boy, man, always stared back. An empty shell. Every picture taken was of him trying to sell a fake smile. He was dead inside, just a shell. An old costume that people enjoyed seeing, but never got to know the history, nor the actress behind it. She was inside, yearning to show her real face, her true identity. Everyone knew the character, but not the person portraying it.


Its a very painful feeling, and most will never experience it, or never understand. Some can relate, but only in a small way. It is a very difficult idea to grasp. How can one be expected to smile, when their true colors are hidden? When one feels like they are looking at a person who clearly exists, but it isn't them? You see a person in the mirror, and it isn't you. Where are you? You don't even know what you look like...


It is a terrible feeling. And even after coming out, it was (still is) difficult to see that other person at times. With time though, they will transform. Your inner self will begin to gain strength, and shine through the darkness. The shadow, the dark past will begin to fade, it will be lost, but it will never be forgotten.


Honestly? Our past is full of secrets that most of us will never want to share, or even remember. I, for one, chose not to forget. It is what makes us whole. Without it, we have no future.  We may dislike parts of our past, but we would not be the same person we are today if it wasn't for the past.


So, back to the question. Why am I changing? I'm not. I'm still the same person. This girl is a gamer, snowboarding, loves ninjas, is a giant (and I mean GIANT) geek, that can still hang with the guys, but still has her feminine side. After a few months, I finally began to see her through the costume. She is strong, stronger than I thought possible, more outgoing and the person who I really am. And you know what? She fits me better.


I am me.

Until next time, with love,
~Ellie


P.S. ~Afterthought~


Every time I see an old picture of me, I just see another person. Yes, it was my past, but it wasn't me. He is a different person, although I will miss him. It is a little strange though, I do seem to feel a little bit sad. Its as if a close friend/family member has passed away, never to be seen again. Memories of his life are left in tact, but did he really exist? It is a very strange feeling. I bet this is what some friends/family might be feeling toward my situation. His memories will live on though. Huh....Seriously interesting feeling I can't even explain it, at least not yet. New point, new feeling. Must reflect and meditate on this. More on this later, if I figure it out.

Together we are strong...

So I've been pretty busy lately, and will keep being busy, so I'm trying to keep up with my blog. And for those of you who actually know me, no....its not because I'm addicted to Pokemon: Diamond! Lol. No, I've been working more these last two weeks, and this upcoming week, I work for 6 days straight. Already I can feel myself getting exhausted! That's beside the point though. Last Saturday night (August 13th) I had friends come visit me for the weekend. I gotta say it was a blast! My friends (both old and new) loved each other, and it was just overall fun.


To be more specific, there was a Drag show that evening, and one of my friends was curious about being trans. He is definitely feminine, but doesn't really know too much past that. Helped convince him to at least come out, and hang out, and if he wanted to dress up, it would be a safe environment.


So he did.


And you know what? I've never seen him open up as much as he did. He was really happy, talkative, and really fun to be around. People kept asking us if he was a girl or a guy! Awesome. My friends were able to transform him, with little difficulty, and he seemed to enjoyed this, hidden side of his. He's been a good friend of mine for...I want to say about 8 years, if not more. Only recently have we've gotten really close. Helping him with information, tips, anything really. I did tell him though, that this is his choice, and he needs to see how things work out. Hopefully he'll be able to see someone (with an actual degree in psychology, of course) to help him on his way. As well as he now has a support network to help him too, every step of the way. Good luck finding your own way through life! I'll be here for ya, no matter what you decide!


Only downside of that night, was the bouncer did not believe that was my ID. Awesome. Good news, and bad I guess hehe!


Lots of fun, drinking, dancing, and socializing. I really needed that in my life right now. :)


That's it for now. Like I mentioned before, been pretty busy, but really didn't want to leave everyone just waiting a whole week. Time to relax, on my one day off....


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie
P.S. My other friend, who wore a spirit hoodie, even in drag, was amazing. If I can get pictures, I'll try to post em! Hope to see them again real soon!

A rose by any other name...

A name is just an identification system that we receive when we are younger to be able to individualize us throughout our life. Once we are given this tag, which could have a certain meaning at the time, we then, ourselves develop it into something wondrous. We individualize the name, and ourselves into a unique being, a life that no one else has experienced. Their own memories, experiences, no one can take those away. But what about some of us who never quite fit the mold? Our name never quite fit our personality, our way of life?


When growing up, I loved the name Israel. It was a wonderful,  powerful name. It just wasn't me. Half of the time, if someone called me that, I wouldn't even turn. My nickname (one of many to come) though, I liked, felt more like me. Izzy, as I came to be known to my friends, teachers, and family. Somehow though, it still, wasn't quite me. It still had a piece missing.


It wasn't until I came out, and started thinking of my name, when I started to feel more whole. As my female self, Izzy, finally seemed to work, but only those closest to me (partly because they would have a very difficult time to remember me by a different name >.< ) would use that. Eventually, I started to be known as Ellie. Now, most people call me Ellie, and It feels like its my true identity.


Most trans people that I've seen (not all, but many) seem to pick out their name by simply choosing their female counterpart. If that works for you, then by all means, do it. Not for me. I wanted it to have a deeper meaning. Isabelle was my choice for middle name for two reasons. 1) Isabelle-Israel so people can still call me Izzy, and 2) I thought it was pretty. My first name, was for a completely different reason.


Elena. Yes, its a simple, yet elegant name. Reason for choosing this name? My mother.


She has always shown strength, even in the darkest of hours. Always had confidence in everything she has done. Yes we've had our spats every once in a while, but what mother/child hasn't? Even now, I know she feels like she's losing a son. Yet she still supports me, worries for my safety, and makes sure I'm okay. We used to be very close when I was younger, but I pushed myself away from her. Afraid that I would be rejected, afraid of what would happen to my family, if the world found out about me. I needed to stay away to protect them. I was wrong. I needed them more than ever.

I told my mom about me last September. Back then she definitely thought this whole thing was a phase, although I've thought about it all my life. I'd only recently been out to close friends at that point as well. The more we talk though, the better it gets. She still doesn't fully agree with what I'm doing, but she sees that I'm happy, for the first time in years, I'm actually happy. You may be losing a son, but you are gaining a daughter. Someone who has always been there, and will always be there. She is full of life, and needs your caring guidance. Please love her. Help her blossom to who she is suppose to be. You are her mother first and foremost. I'll never forget that, and I hope you don't either. 


She continues to support me, even through this whole transition.  I chose her middle name, because it shows her strength and character. I want to show that same strength and character in everything I do. I want her to be close to me, always

Laura Elena, I will love you, now and forever. Thank you for everything.


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie

Two months...

Its been just over two months since I've started my hormone therapy. Although I began to have doubts that this was for me, it has gotten a lot better. No longer have I felt angry or depressed or felt the need to hide myself. Of course there are the occasional spurts of depression when life keeps throwing curve balls at you, but I've gotten over those rather quickly. Best part about it? No more suicidal thoughts.

Growing up, because I didn't know what I was, or why I felt the way I did, I kept thinking I was a freak of nature. With my family being religious, that did not help. I mostly tried just focusing on my school work. A few times I did wonder what would happen if I was never around. High school was the more serious time, when I tried to figure out how I could do it, and almost went through with it. Another story for another time though. Glad things got better.

Sometimes I do feel like a freak, or doubt myself in my ability to pass, but when that one person says Ma'am or gives me a compliment on how pretty I look, all my doubt seems to melt away. Surprisingly, that's been happening more often now. Almost exponentially. With each passing day, I feel better and better about myself. More confidence, and more outgoing. I never knew life could be like this. It has been an amazing few months. Well sorry that this blog post isn't too much longer, but I'll make up for it with pictures. :)

The new me. As of July 31, 2011. Just over two months of therapy, still getting in shape, and finally being truly happy with who I am. :) Best feeling in the world!

Asking roommate to take pictures, but wasn't ready for it. Oh well, look cute anyway! :)

As of January

As of July 31. Finally it feels right.

So the last two, comparison of the change from January to July. 6 months. Still not there yet, but getting better. I'll just have to keep it up!

Until next time, with love,

~Ellie

P.S. I have a tumbler now, where I'm writing a few short stories about my friends DnD campaign, fantasy, and scifi or whatever. If interested here's the link:  A few short stories, of not so everyday life And yes, the title is a work in progress. I even have the link up in my profile for future reference. Update everything. New me, new style. Hope you enjoy! :)