And thus, a new life begins...

So, I missed a week. Yea I know, trying to stay caught up and everything, but this time I missed it on purpose. The reason is:

I started hormones! :D


Tuesday, May 24th, 2011 at 2:45 pm was my appointment with my doctor. I've been doing my fair share of research about what I needed to take, what I didn't need to take, and what I could afford. Insurance is funny like that, since they won't pay for some things, even if we need them to. Lucky we figured out a way for it to not be too expensive. So I have officially started my full transition. It feels really good! My dream is now becoming reality!


So, here's a quick back track. At work, I've been going there more and more as the real me. Even with people who had no idea about my "real self", were shocked to find out, but weren't really surprised. In fact, they supported me. Being me at work, although stressful, its made me happier. I just feel really good about it, and feel comfortable. Yeah I still worry about making sure my makeup looks right, that I look feminine, and all that jazz. The only thing is, it just feels right, and that's the important thing, right? And now, when I'm stuck in drive through, greeting the customers, and taking money, no one even questions my gender. They hear a female, and see a female. No more being made fun of. Examples of things customers would say while I worked as a male:


"He must be gay".
"I thought you were a chick! WTH Man?"
"F**."
"What are you, queer?"
"See I told you it wasn't a chick! He's a queer! F**!"


Yea. Not fun. At all. Luckily now, no one has said anything. Apparently, there's no question about it in their minds now. Everyone at work knows, even the General Manager knows, and really liked that I was being professional about the whole situation. Supports me, as long as there's now problem. As good as it will get.


Not only is work going well, but life is as well. One of the things I've been stressing about the most is how I'm going to tell all my best friends. I told a few of them throughout coming out to the world, and other really close friends. My best friends grew up together. We've known each other since sixth grade. That would make us best friends for.....wow, just about 12 years now! With a friendship this strong, I'm not sure why I doubted so much I really was afraid that things would change for the worse. I told the last of my best friends this past Sunday. In fact, they didn't seem too surprised of me coming out. One of them even said, "Well, that makes sense. No surprise there." They joked like always telling me that I was more feminine anyway. They all supported me, and know that my personality isn't changing. I'm just becoming my real self.


So, back to the doctor's office. The staff there is amazing. They are all friendly, and accepting, and just wow. I really could not believe it. The nurses have even said how lovely I looked today, and how well I pull things off. Even my doctor said, that she is very impressed with how I already look without hormones. She is a wonderful doctor, and I couldn't have found her without the help of one close friend here. :)


Hormones are a big step in my transitioning, and although the pills themselves aren't the ones making me happy, it is making me feel more comfortable with myself. Looking more like how I should look, giving me more confidence, and with confidence, being happy with who I am. Always be happy with who you are, and be comfortable with yourself. Even if you have to tweak it a little. :P


Until next time, with love,
~Elle 

It Only Gets Better From Here...

A quick recap of life, and how I came to be. Since, well, its been over a year since I've come out fully to the world. :)

I came out on April 27-28 (it was late at night, then mostly the 28th). At that time I was actually with two friends, going to a fraternity thing over in Tacoma, WA. I've always had these depressive states, that I can barely describe as feeling trapped and wrong. I never really understood it. When I finally got home from this trip, I had my worst breakdown to date. I just got home, and started to cry...I couldn't handle it anymore.

 I had no idea what was wrong or even why I felt so trapped. All I knew is that I've never felt comfortable in my own skin. Every time I saw myself in the mirror, I never liked the person who looked back at me. He was ugly, dirty, and just someone else. A made up character. I knew that all my life I've tried to be someone I'm not, but what I never realized was how much it was killing me inside. Usually when I doubted myself, I'd distract myself, and shrug it off, as if it wasn't that big of a deal. Always pushing pain and emotions away. Not a very good thing to do. Because of it, every few months (sometimes once a month) I would just break down, and cry. I just felt so trapped.  

When I was younger, I thought it was just because people didn't like me. Then, as I grew up, I started to realize that I never really fit in. Of course, the outside world didn't see this. And I did have friends. I just didn't feel right.  Only time I did feel right, was when I was secretly wearing womens clothing, or just hanging out with friends, who happened to be girls, especially in high school. We would always just talk about typical girl stuff. You know, relationships and such. And jokingly (although they did say this a lot), they would say, you are such a good friend! If we didn't know any better we'd think you were a girl! Honestly I loved that. Wasn't sure why at the moment, but just did.

When I got to college, I thought it was going to be a fresh start for me. New people, new city, new everything. But the depression didn't go away. I was more myself, and I made friends easily at this point. Got invited to hang out everywhere, but something in the back of my mind kept telling me something was wrong. The feeling of being trapped and uncomfortable kept getting worse and worse throughout my college life. It ended up getting so bad, that I had trouble forcing myself to go out and hang out. I worked, and went to school to keep my mind off things, always working, never socializing. I shouldn't say never, but honestly, not that much.

I did some research on trans people, to see if I fit in, tried asking my friends about it (carefully not to reveal myself) and even in relationships that I was in. People seemed to laugh it off, or not care, or talked badly about that. No help at all. And "nightmares" at the time of me being the opposite sex and being happy, but always ending in bloodshed. Everything I seemed to find on the internet, almost seemed to make trans people look evil or wrong. I just began to worry more and get scared of "being that way". 

No one I knew was like me. I couldn't talk to anyone, and felt like if I talked to someone, like a counselor or a psychologist, they would tell me one way or another, without even listening to me.

I just felt trapped, felt uncomfortable in my own skin. Hated myself. Ate for comfort. I ended up weighing almost 295 lbs. This made me not want to go out at all. Still had relationships though. Not sure how that worked out.

Eventually I started to pray. A lot. Prayed to keep me strong, to help me through this, and figure it out. Prayed to Him to make me right, to make the pain go away, to be ok.

No answer.

I got really angry with Him. Why would He make me unhappy and feel wrong? Why do people say that God hates gays? Why would he make me like this!? But I kept praying and researching....

When I got home from a fraternity trip April 28th, I got home and cried. I needed help. I can't get through this alone. I ended up telling some people. A few close friends, and an ex of the time (she's very close to me now) helped me that night. The next day I went to make an appointment with the psychologist for May 6th, 2010. That's when my journey truly began to change. For the best.

He was very helpful. More of a friend, than a doctor really. He helped, and listened. Asked me about life, and what I thought, and helped figure things out with me, not for me. Gave me some reading material, and allowed me to make my own choices, and here we are. 

A year later. 

No longer am I constantly depressed. No longer do I feel like I don't fit in. I know who I am finally. And the strange part? I never really changed. Yes my physical appearance is changing. I'm becoming more comfortable with who I am, making me more social. I have currently lost 75 lbs and counting. I have closer friends than ever. Although I haven't told everyone about me yet, I'm well on my way to telling them. I hardly live as a boy now, living more and more as the real me. Going to work, and even going out dancing. People don't recognize me (most of the time) or even question my gender. They truly see a girl. It still shocks me how well I can pass now, and looking better everyday. On top of that, I am starting hormones really soon. Within the month soon. Mostly for me, to feel a little more feminine, and make me a little bit more comfortable in my own skin. Now every time I look in the mirror, I don't see that ugly boy there. I am beginning to see the beauty of a hidden girl. A happy girl. The real me.

Until next time, with love,

~Elena Isabelle Nunez

Aka

Elli, as my friends call me, or Elle as I usually sign my name :)