Ghosts of Our Pasts: Part 2- Discovery

So on to the second part.


I've known about me not being the "norm" since about 4th grade. The only difference is, I didn't really realize who I was, or even wanted to know. Only because society is what I kept following, and who I seemed to be, didn't really fit.


As I mentioned before, I grew up in an area where the man had to be, THE MAN. Not the woman. And I've always felt out of place. When I was little, I've always liked playing with some of the girls toys, including my sisters. Usually I got to play with them too, but as I grew up, they started to let me play less and less. Then it got to the point where I learned that it was wrong to play with anything pink. Plus girls wouldn't let me play with them anymore, and when I could, they always wanted me to be "the husband". I was a boy, and I had cooties.  But I couldn't be with the guys either, they always picked on me, and played rough. I did not like that. I mean why would people like to wrestle each other during recess? That makes no sense to me.


Then came sex ed. This is actually when I started to realize that I was different. The sad thing? I realized I could never have a child. I mean, I can never birth one. At that time I was curious on how I was going to be when I'm older. I though I'd have a family, and have kids that I could take care of. But of course I didn't know how babies were made, so when I saw the video....I didn't freak out, I didn't laugh, i just....well, cried. I learned that I had to try to hide my real self  if there was any chance of living a normal life. I knew I had to be a guy now.


Okay, so maybe I didn't really think that. But I did realize that I was a boy, and will always be a boy, and nothing can change that. I mean I was a kid after all, and kids follow trends, and can't think with that much complexity :P


So for years, I learned to study, and act more like one of the guys. I've always been very good at analyzing and studying. That's why I was labeled as the smart kid for a very long time. But most people didn't realize that I used this ability to learn about society. And because I learned to act like a guy, I started making friends. Many guy friends. Some of them I've even been friends with since like 6th grade too, and yes, they are still my best friends. And I though that I will now be normal.


Wrong. Dead wrong.


One secret that no one, and I mean like no one ever knew about me, is that I started to experiment by crossdressing. First time was in 6th grade and I've always tried to do it in secret. I was never caught, but did come close a few times. Wouldn't that have been super embarrassing. I don't know what I would have done if I was caught. And honestly, I didn't know why I would do it either. All I knew is that it felt more comfortable to do it. It seemed better to do it, and honestly, more normal. I did have an understanding of what looked good together, and what didnt. It just felt right. The longest (before coming out) I've ever stayed in girl clothes was a whole weekend. It was awesome. I was so happy, even though I couldn't share it with anyone.


Still, I kept hiding for fear of what people would do if they ever found out. I mean, I usually was around jerks who made fun of the LGBT community, and although it ticked me off, they kept doing it. I did share my distaste for it, but they didn't care. Well, some didn't care. Other's didn't make fun of them. Either way, it made me distrust people and not want to come out at all. I've heard stories, as well as seen videos, and even read stories about members of the LGBT community and the downside of it. So I stayed under the radar instead.


Last thing for today. I do consider myself catholic, with many other philosophical beliefs, including buddhism. So i'm more spiritual than religious. I do believe there is a God out there, and He has a plan for me and everyone around us. So this also affected me on wanting to come out. Always hearing that God hates "F***" and Queers are going to hell. Right before I came out I started to ask people why God hates people if the bible says he loves everyone. All they could come up with was "Its says it in the bible!" But that's an argument for another time. :P Okay so maybe for next time. We'll see :D


In short, this is basically me and how I came to be. Mostly hiding, and always being scared of what could happen. And you know what? I like that I'm out. Its made me less cynical, and angry at the world. I'm more happy with myself than I've ever been in my entire life! And a word of advice to everyone reading, be true to yourselves. You'll never be happy with your life until you're happy with yourselves. Be you! Be who you want to be! Challenge yourselves to become a better you than you could ever imagine! If you can't do that, you'll just end up unhappy for the rest of your life. And no one wants a grumpy pants in their life! :P


Until next time, with love.
~Elle

Sick

So, I've been trying to work on my new post. Sadly I can't really concentrate on it for I am sick. So here's a drawing of a sad person. I'll be alive and back up whenever I can breathe again. And have no fever. And when the room stops to spin. And yes, it took me like 20 sec to draw. Be back soon! Hopefully.

Ghosts of Our Pasts: Part 1-Family

Alright, here we go again. This time, how I grew up. As a warning, not all this stuff will be fun to read, but it will help in knowing how I came to be. I'll try to be as light hearted as possible though! :) First part: family.

I come from small city of about 80,000 people. Born and raised there. Yea, its small, especially when considering larger cities like LA, Seattle, or Portland. I come from a family where it was pretty strict on gender roles. The man worked outside of the home, and was tough, while the woman must stay at home and tended to the man. And it was like that for a while. At least for a few years until I was about 6 or 8. My mother got a job teaching, and life was still good. Of course my father wasn't too terribly happy, and well...most of my life there was a lot of fighting and arguing going on.

So overall, I want to state that yes, my family has problems, but its still a family. I have only recently come out to them, and yes, both my mother and father know. They still love me, even though they are having a difficult time understanding why I want to go through with this. Or why I'm like this for that matter.

Back to the story. My mother. She is a very strong woman. She has currently graduated from college and got a degree in teaching math. Although we butt-heads sometimes, I still love my mommy! She's always been there for me when I truly needed her!  :D

My father on the other hand,  was never a real role model for me. He would always yell, and tell me that I'm doing things wrong in my life. Yet he would never tell me how to correct it. It was terrible. Throughout my life he would try to teach me more manly things (like cars) but then he would get frustrated with me. We had different views on many things.

Its....well...to let you know, I still love my father, and we are talking. But it wasn't always like that. Yes, he did things that wouldn't have been approved by anyone...and yes....he was an alcoholic. But he is doing better now. He's even trying to get involved in my life, and has made great strives to better himself as a person. He had a very rough childhood himself, so I understand why he treated us in such a harsh way sometimes. And I forgave him a long time ago.  So, an example of how he used to be, and how he used to treat me in my past can be wrapped up in one memory.


I wasn't more than 4 years of age when this happened. I loved going to the park with my dad when he had a soccer game. When we got there, I'd watch for a bit, then go play in the toys. It was a wonderful playground. And this park was pretty big, but I've done this plenty of times before. This time was different though.


When I noticed that the game was done, I started running back to my dad. I was excited to hear if they won (I always thought they won) but when I got back to the field, I couldn't see my dad anywhere. I started to panic, when I noticed his car driving off. I chased after him as fast as I could, but no success...I was abandoned. (*This was accidental for those of you who think otherwise*) I didn't know what to do, I started to cry...


Two men walked up to me, and luckily I recognized them as some of his best friends. They were always over at our house so I knew I could trust them. They gave me a ride home.


When I got back, my mom was so relieved that I made it back safe and sound. I was happy that I was going to keep on living! Then he got back....


He wasn't relieved, or happy to see me back. Instead, he reached for his belt....and well....yea. Not good. As I cried...I tried to apologize. He just kept swinging, and saying I shouldn't have left, and shouldn't be crying... And at this point, all my mom could do, was watch.


Its a terrible thing that had happened. And throughout my childhood things like this happened a lot. Things that weren't my fault, but he made me believe that they were. Some were worse, while others not so bad. Eventually I was able to stand up to him though. And because there was a point where I ended up not talking to him for almost 2 years, I think that helped him realize that he needed to change.


My childhood had many downs, but at least when I had good times, they were beyond good. And I do want to add that I am happy on how things turned out, for if these events never happened, I wouldn't be who I am today! :D


Part 2 will be posted within a week, if I can finally figure out how I'm going to say things. :) Love you all!


~Elle

Delay

So I'm still around...and still working on the blog. Just thought I'd let everyone know. The next section I have been working on for two weeks now, is still not the way I want it. Its about my past, and although it wasn't the greatest, I don't want it to sound too terrible. It'll probably be in two parts too. In the mean time, I hope that everyone had a great thanksgiving! I know I had a blast with good food and great friends! Only thing that could have been better was seeing my family again.

What the future holds...

So I've described a little about the current me. How about where I see myself in life? That should be fun right? :)

I have finished college, now its time for me to continue life. I always wanted to go into law enforcement of some kind. Like a sheriff, or just a regular police officer. I pretty much knew this since I was 4. I really do hate all the injustice that I see in the world, and I want to help fix that. Things need to be fair, and just, but in this world, we'd be lucky enough to catch a break. I've seen people get away with so much, what's worse is I've seen other law enforcement types abuse their power. NOT COOL. The world is a very unfair place to live in, I just hope I can make a small difference to this world, even if its only for one person.

I really can't wait to become a police officer! I know its nothing like the movies or television, but I know it's where I'll be the happiest in my life! Especially because of how I want things to be fair for everyone. But there is a catch....

Should I go as the current me? Or the person I want to be?

I've done some research on it, and its tough...I can't seem to really find anyone who's MtF. I've found a few about FtM's, but still. Not only that, Which place will be the most accepting of me? And should I try to hide myself (be a female and tell everyone that I am one) or start as a male, and make the switch in the middle? It's a very tough choice, and there's advantages and disadvantages to both sides. I need to find a place where they would be accepting no matter what. Because of this dilemma, I've pushed back wanting to go to the Police Academy. I don't even have a state in mind, so I feel stuck until I figure that out. If anyone finds anything, I'd be glad to hear about it! :)

Well. that's the career I would like to get myself into. As far as for how I want to live? Simple. A girl :)

Ok, so not so simple. As I previously stated, it will be difficult to pass myself off in a situation like that. I still think it'll be nearly impossible. I believe that eventually I would love to live full time as a woman, but at the same time, I really wish people didn't judge that a guy should act and look like a guy or a girl should act and look like a girl. It isn't fair to the rest of us. I do plan on growing out my hair, although it'll still be short. Maybe shoulder length? Still haven't decided. Another thing that I plan on doing, is removing hair. Can't pass if I have stubble right? I so hate having facial hair. Only reason why I kept it throughout my life is so I can look like a boy. Different story for another time. The last thing that I do want to do for sure, but is still a little scary, hormones.

They won't guarantee that they'll make all the changes one could want, but it sure will help. Of course, I would want to work on getting rid of stubble before changing anything else. It would make the transition process go smoother. This part of my life, hopefully will only take a few years. There are other decisions that I still have to make, like upper and lower surgery. But I think, for now, those decisions could be made with my future partner. I'd like them to be a part of this too. :) And of course, that won't be for many, many years. It is such a big change, and there's so many risks, not to mention the price, I definitely would not want to make it alone.

In my near future, all that I know is I need to get out of this town. I like the friends that I have made here, but it is definitely not a place for me. I need to get out more and explore. A big city would be best. So why am I still in this little town? Fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the big city, fear of being alone. I do have a few places in mind, and I would love to leave by next summer, but fear is still holding me back.

That's all for now, until next time!

~Elle

Note to self: Put up pictures soon  >.<

New girl on the block

Hi everyone! Well, at least all of you who currently know that started a blog. I figured a good way to start this was to describe myself a little.

For those of you who don't know, I am a transgender. MtF to be more exact. Just going to put it out there. It is usually a very big umbrella term, but for me specifically, it fits me best. I was born a male, but never really felt like I really was one. Never fit the mold. Yes I'm still more interested in girls, so it also doesn't make me fit into a normal "transsexual" persona where they become female, but like males still. They are becoming straight, and in a sense, I'm becoming "gay" myself. And I can't fit the typical Transvestite definition for two reasons: 

1) The term to me doesn't sound good, and 
2) I would rather pass as a full girl, not just seem like a male. 

So I'll stick to being Transgender. Or trans for short.  But also remember that all these definitions are different to different people. This is just my view.

I am a major geek. I love video games, Sci fi, comics, etc. I love playing my saxophone, and creating interesting pieces of music, although I haven't finished a full composition yet. I also like playing with pets, being outside (most of the time), and Snowboarding.


I do love getting to know people, although I am shy when I am around new people. If people want to get to know me, all they have to do is start a conversation. I tend to open up quicker if someone talks to me.


So I guess that's a small part of me. A very small part, just to get things going. I don't know how often I'll post, but hopefully at least once a week. We'll see how things work out, and yea. I will be as open as possible with this.

~Elle