Sparkles...

To start things off this week, I ended up finding the strength to defeat a fear of mine on Tuesday, December 20, 2011. I thought I'd never be able to do this, but with the help of my friend Tyler, I was able to get my ears pierced. :)


I've never pierced anything before, and I've always wanted to. I do happen to remember when I was younger, being a little jealous that my sister had her ears pierced, and I wanted to as well. As I grew older, of course the feeling stayed with me, but more and more fear kept settling in. One of my bigger fears though, was me being outed. On top of that, I've always been afraid of needles. So, since I was a "guy" (and back then thinking I'll never actually get to be me), I just forgot about it.


Well, now that I'm finally myself and living full time, I decided to try and go for it again. This was back in June. I ended up panicking, and backing out of it. Then I thought the same thing again in July, then August, and so on and so forth. Each and every time, I'd find a way to back out of it. Either by forgetting about it (sometimes on purpose), or just being busy. It was getting a tad bit ridiculous.


Don't get me wrong, I sincerely wanted to do it. I am just paranoid about everything in my life and over think everything. My sense of needing to know every little detail, and looking at all the possibilities tends to be more of a curse for me. Some people seem amazed at how I can see so many possibilities and whatnot. Its a little difficult to explain without an example. Luckily I have one! :P


So, essentially the more I think about it, the more paranoid I become. As a warning, this is the simple version of what goes on in my head. Usually its a lot more, but I'll keep it as simple as possible. You can skip it if you'd like. First thing that goes through my head, is the subject. This time? Getting my ears pierced. So I was wondering who I can go with? Okay, now that I got a few people, just in case some (or most) people can't make it, I at least have one. Now, where could I possibly go? Well, there's like six different places. Three places were suggested by friends. Okay, which one should I go to? Well, one has a bad rep for screwing up piercings, plus its in a public place where everyone can see me. Scratch that. Well the other two are professionals. They don't even use a gun, which I heard is more terrifying than....needles....oh god.....I hate needles! So many things can go wrong! I mean, it isn't like at the doctor where even more things could go wrong, like getting air bubbles in the syringe and killing me. Or if its someone inexperienced, can't find the vein or...wait... its okay. Different type of needle. Still, things can go wrong....what could go right? Well, let's see....everything can go well. But what if I get someone inexperienced, what if it actually does hurt, and a lot?  What if it gets infected? What do I do? Do I go to the hospital? Ugh...I hate explaining my situation to strangers especially if I don't know if they are LGBT friendly. Wait....OH CRUD! What if the place isn't friendly? They will probably ask questions, but what if they throw me out? What if people are rude, or mean there? 


It just goes on and on from there. Trying to find every single detail, and trying to psych myself into believing that things will go alright is difficult. Even when logically, things should be okay. You know what though? Everything did go better than expected. :)


Everyone was very nice, and polite. Of course, for legality's sake, I had to use my legal name, and Id. They gave me a quick glance and smiled, as if they didn't expect it, but didn't really judge. They used my preferred name, used correct pronouns, and was over all very friendly. The piercer was very friendly, and explained how it all worked, what he did, and how much pain I would be in. He knew exactly what to say as well, to help calm me down. Essentially it hurts less than when you bite the inside of your cheek or tongue. They sanitize everything (and I mean everything, including the chair). I picked out a couple of pink studs, and he jokingly said that most girls do. He told stories, joked around, coworkers shared in laughter, and well, it was a very good experience. Some of the nicest people I've ever had the pleasure to meet. Now that the worst is over, I've been thinking....maybe....just maybe...I should get another piercing. Maybe even a tattoo! :) Another fear has been conquered.


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie


P.S. I did tell my mom when I got it, and all she said was "hahaha, did it hurt? How much did you cry?" I love you too mom! :P

Back your normally scheduled program...

Well basically. At least I'm trying to get back to a normal one day a week posting, same time every week. So hectic lately, as my last post suggested, but at least it is definitely getting back to normal. Well, as normal as a life with a transgirl can be! :P And as promised, the good news from last time....


One of my closest friends from this town, who's helped me deal with some of the emotional breakdowns I've dealt with since becoming a girl, has had something wonderful happen to her. Sara and Michael, after 3 long and wonderful years, are finally engaged!


Sara and I have known each other for over a year, but really didn't start hanging out too much until about 2 months before I started living full time. Since then, we've talked and hung out all the time. Gone shopping, and just had all around fun. We have gotten really close, and well, she asked me something I really was not expecting.


She asked me to be one of her brides maids! ^.^


Now....the reason why I say this, is because I seriously did not think that I would ever be invited to becoming a brides maid. Especially by someone who has known about my past. I really don't know, but I guess its a mental block that I have on myself.


Let's see here. For the longest time, I could never see myself getting married. Always yearned for it, but I could never see myself actually getting married. At least in a tux. What is scary is that I've had dreams of myself in a wedding dress, and looking like my true self, but never as a guy. Okay, it was way more scary before I came out. Now that seems more normal. :P  Anyway, beside the point. I'm both terrified and excited to be a brides maid. I've been a groomsman, and a best man, and yes, I was always jealous of how I would never be on the other side. Now that its actually happened, I was speechless. It will be a little nerve wrecking, but it will be a good experience. Besides, I'm so happy for my friend! 


I'll probably end up panicking more when the time gets closer, but for now, I think I will be fine. Its just another reason for me to get into better shape!


Anyway, that's pretty much it for now. There were a few things though that I wanted to share with you though. Because of a friend of mine that I have recently met (and by recently I mean like 5 months ago), I've started becoming more involved in gay rights. Starting off by just reading more articles about it, but maybe soon I might be out there, showing my support. Here are a few links to articles that have made me want to be out there more. To show that these kids are not alone.


Transgender kids: Painful quest to be who they are (CNN)


Lead by a child who simply knew


Third one is mostly about the new civil rights frontier:


Trangender people: The next frontier in civil rights


Well, that's it for this week. Starting to feel good now that I am getting back on a weekly schedule, and can finally go to my group again. :)


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie

Good for the soul...

Alright, well, just another update it looks like for this week. No big topic or anything. Just another venting session/thought based post about my life thus far. Hopefully I'll figure out a topic for next week.


I'm so scatterbrained and stressed that I feel like I might break down soon. Yes, I'm loving the new me so far, but there are so many things that I have to take care of, and in so little time, I'm just beginning to feel overwhelmed. If it was possible, I would love some help, even if the only help they could give is just be there when I come home from a very long day of work, in a place where I seem to be almost unappreciated. Life has been difficult. Not in a bad way, just difficult. So many challenges to overcome.


After about a month and a half of trying to find a new doctor, I finally got an appointment with someone close by.  The original person I wanted was not available, so then I tried finding someone else. Then I found out she wouldn't be able to help me, but then finally the original doctor I was looking for became available. Although this sounds simple, it has made me more stressed than I would like to be. Because of this, I'm almost out of my medicine. I will be out for a few days before my appointment, but hopefully everything will be okay. At least I found another one.


More good news....more like good stress....my friend was accepted to the University of Washington a few weeks ago, which means that I will be moving in with him and another friend by the summer. More than likely June. Now its time to find a new apartment, and a new job within the next six months. So although this is another good thing, its still more stress than I would like.


Some bad, unneeded stress that I can definitely do without though, is dating. I've gone now on several different dates, and they all end with a bitter sweet taste. Either they end up being jerks, loving someone else and can't be with me, or aren't comfortable enough with how I am. Luckily I have made a couple of friends out of my failed dates. For now though, I need to get through this little rough patch so no more dates for a little while. No matter how cute he/she might be.


Then there's work. Like I mentioned I've felt a little unappreciated. Yet, the higher ups seem be expecting great things from me. Adding more pressure, and essentially one on one training with some of them. Sadly I cannot take a vacation now, because of the new doctor, and the move to Seattle, I will have to save up as much money as I can for the next few months. A quick side note though, as I was going to work today, I witnessed an accident. Luckily no one was hurt badly, and well, it just wasn't a great way to start my day...


And to top it all off....one of my closest friends is leaving soon....I will miss him terribly, and I just don't know how to tell him goodbye, or how much he means to me. He's been there for me when I've needed him the most, and he's been one of  the biggest influences in my life. He will be traveling abroad for a semester, but I'm afraid that I might not see him when he returns because of my plans on moving. Even if I do, it wouldn't be for long. And then who knows when the next time I'll be able to see him, since he'll be off to better and brighter things and so will I. One of the greatest people I've had the pleasure of working and being friends with. Tyler, I hope you have a great trip, and I hope, even though we will be a country apart, and eventually (hopefully) just states, that you will find a great life. I will miss you my friend. Stay in touch. :)


Now that I've vented a little (and cried a lot) I feel better. I've been feeling so emotional lately. Crying for no reason, or because I feel everything. Of course the stress doesn't help at all, but at least I can feel now. I've spent most of my life just feeling dead inside and faking everything. So yea...its annoying but at least its a good kind of annoying. Maybe its because I'm finally able to be myself, or maybe its because of the stress, or the lack of sleep. Oh god....I need to stop rambling now. Life will get better, it always seems to anyway. :)


Until Next time, with love,
~Ellie


P.S. A friend of mine asked me something last week. Something that also has brightened up my life a bit. I won't tell you until next week though. Just because I like being a pain sometimes. :P