Sorry!

Sorry everyone! I am such a terrible person for not finding the time to post anything here! Just a quick update....I know....you all deserve better. I really haven't had time. :( I have literally spent the last month cleaning, packing, moving, and unpacking. I'm still unpacking and trying to find space for everything! I didn't have a vehicle, or enough money to rent one for help. At least I had friends helping me, and now the internet is up and running. Soon though....I keep saying that, I know, but I mean it! This week, you shall have a new post! :D

Update in progress: 90% complete...

So I'm finally getting out of that stupid writer's block and being overly stressed. In fact, I spent the last day or two just updating and rearranging some things. Making it look a little nicer, and just update it so it won't stay stale. Things are definitely going swell! ^.^ Yea, I ran into a few hiccups, but with a little HTML editing, and a friend's help, things worked out. Thank you Karl! :D


Although the sight is pretty much the way I want it, the one thing that I'm still working on, is the archive page. We both are still trying to figure out how to take the widget off the side, and make an archive page. If anyone wants to help with that, please, please, PLEASE let me know! I really don't want to link and adjust everything one by one.


Things are going pretty well though, although I have hit a few rough patches. I won't get into details (yet), but I did hit a bad low, then an incredible high. Again, you'll just have to wait. :)


Oh! And last, but not least, I just wanted to let you guys know that you should check out my friend's page! If you really love technology, computers, websites, and even video games, check out his page here!


 Electronics Fanboy


On top of that, you should definitely read it, because you will also see a few article's from yours truly! :) Mostly about video games, but sometimes other tech stuff. So this is just another project I was helping with while I was figuring out my writers block. :)


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie


P.S For those of you wondering about that picture with the header, it is definitely a picture I drew of a water bender. Yea....it's suppose to be me. :P Don't make fun! I love the Avatar mythology! Here's the full pic!

A tropical water bender. :)

At least it looks like I'm getting better at drawing! :D

Upon a star....

Ah to be optimistic. Wishing, waiting for one's future to get brighter. To find friendship, romance, acceptance. Always wishing, and knowing life will get better. Everyday we will become happier with who we are, and love everything about ourselves. Life will end up being perfect. You know what though? It does not.

Life just isn't fair.

Yes, I know that sounds very cynical of me. Sadly though it's mostly the truth. Things won't happen magically, or change just because you wish or pray for it. It's a truth that most of us seem to refuse to believe.  I spent a good portion of my childhood, even my teenage years believing that everything in life would be perfect. That I would be able to be myself, I would have no worries, and I will just be happy with everything. Life seems to have a way to drain that optimism out of people. Including myself.

It got so bad in college that I was mostly became a cynical jerk. Always angry, complaining about life. Nothing made me happy. Yes, part of the reason why I was like that was because I was still struggling with my identity. Mostly though, it was because no matter how much I wished for something, whether it was for a good relationship, less stress with bills, roommates, whatever, it never came true. I started to just give up on life, and became very, very bitter.

One of the things I've learned from all the pain and misery I've experienced, is that wishing for anything doesn't help, and dreams don't come true. People, and life, will do whatever it takes to make you miserable. Very few will try and make life less miserable. Life will just keep tearing at you, bit by bit, and it feels like you can't do anything about it. Slowly though, what you may not realize, is with all that pain and misery we experience, you seem to get stronger after every experience.

Life's funny that way.

We just have to realize this little idea of us getting stronger each and every day.  If we work hard, we will achieve anything. Wishing and praying for everything never made me happy, just made me very cynical. It wasn't until I finally came out, and worked hard to make myself happy, that I finally began to enjoy life. Yes, it's difficult, and sometimes you just want to do nothing more than just give up. You can't though, it really is worth it. There will still be some hard times, and you won't always have a positive attitude, but you cannot just give up. Slowly it will become more tolerable.

I've worked hard to be where I am today. Not just in my physical appearance or emotional state, but also in my debt, and way of living. I still have a long way to go, in order to stop being so stressed, and of course, I can already see that I will become more stressed in the future, but I just remind myself that if I continue to work hard, it will be worth it. You can wish all you want, but the only way dreams come true, is if you go after them yourself. :)

Until next time, with love,
~Ellie

A different perspective...

Alright, so far, doing well on posting more consistently. Granted it's pretty much every two weeks. At least it's something right? :) I definitely feel better, and so far, I'm in the clear of not being depressed anymore. I just have to keep trying to be positive, be around friends, and not worry about the little things. :)


As I've been going through this whole transition, I've always worried about how others view me. When someone looks at me, I always wonder if I stand out, or if I even pass. It doesn't matter if I'm in a public place, or somewhere more private. It's a fear that I believe I will more than likely have for the rest of my life, if not, at least for a very, very long time. Even as I continue this journey, and gain more confidence, I always have that little voice in my head trying to tell me I don't pass. I definitely look female, and people seem to think so too, but maybe some might not., I can't read minds so I don't know for sure. A few weeks ago though, I did notice something. A change in society, towards myself.


I might be at a store looking for something, and people will come up to me to try to help me find it. At first I thought it was just them doing their jobs. No big deal right? Then I thought maybe that they realized I didn't pass, and felt sorry for me. And because of the second one, panic mode sometimes sets in. Luckily, that one turns out to be very unlikely. Either way, people started to seem very friendly towards me, both at stores and restaurants, and I guess just in general. I didn't even start noticing this until a few weeks ago I decided to go buy a game I've saved up for.


As I got off work (and not even looking my prettiest or even dressed nicely) I decided to buy Diablo 3 (yea. super nerdy, I know) with a friend. We walked around and talked a bit, like we always do, and we looked for someone to help us. They seemed to have found us, were very polite, and sent someone to help me find the game. The guy had to check in the back for a copy, since none were available up front. After about 5 minutes, he came back with nothing. I just told him that it was okay, that I could come back later. It's not that big of a deal. He responded with "Don't worry about it, I'll find it." As he left again, I really was wondering why he was being so helpful. He came back again just to make sure I didn't leave (did this about 2 or 3 times), and eventually went to go find associates to help him. After about 25 minutes, he came back and had found the game. I really was grateful, and of course thanked him. When I got back up front, the other guys assumed that it was my friends. I said it wasn't for him.....they kind of were shocked. Still were very happy to help and talked about how I'm going to love the game, then we were on our way back home. 


Since that day, I've been keeping an eye out just to see if that was a fluke or not. It was not. I've been losing weight, and on top of that hormones have been doing wonders. I don't look too fat (although I can still lose some pounds) and people have noticed me more and more. More friendly, helpful, and well even though it's mostly men, there are some girls as well. I shouldn't worry too much about the world instantly knowing I'm trans. I just just go with the flow, and relax more. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I'm noticing more and more that people seem to treat you differently as a girl. A pretty girl nonetheless. :P


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie

One year....

It has been one whole year. One year since I've decided to take the path to a happier life. One year full of challenges, strength, as well as full of fears. It has been both an incredible, and tragic journey. Simply, amazing. One full year since I have started living full time as me, and even started hormones.


Looking back, it's easier now to see all of the changes that have happened. There are things in my past that I may have never noticed before,  and even the incredible strength and courage I have shown throughout this whole process, even if I still doubt myself sometimes. Even my friends can see how much I've changed in the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual ways. I definitely am more outgoing, I stand up for myself, more caring, and most importantly, I'm enjoying life. Real life. Here's a quick recap of my states of being:


Physically, it has become more difficult for people to think I'm a guy. Every once in a while, I think I hear someone call me sir, but I think that has to do more with paranoia. My facial and body hair has been reduced extremely, yet I still hope to find some money so I can get laser or electrolysis done. Getting thinner, more curves, overall getting smaller. Hormones are magic. :) There are still many steps for me to continue on this journey, but I feel like I have at least hit a good milestone.


Spiritually, even though I don't really follow religion, I've become more in tune with other religions. Easiest way to put it, I still follow the Catholic ways, but add Buddhist philosophies to that. Essentially learn from other religions to find my own way through life. Other than that, I've learned to live more in the present, than the future. Learn to slow down, and enjoy nature. Find peace within yourself to help you enjoy life better. We are all so worked up with the future, and keeping up with this extremely on-the-go lifestyle, that we tend to forget the important things in life. Friends, family, and especially yourself.


Emotionally, I feel, well, everything! I'm still getting used to it, but it has gotten easier. If I need to cry, and don't want to, my body will make me. I feel really good after a good cry now too. :) Yes I still get depressed sometimes, but other times, I just feel happy. Something I've never really noticed in my life before. In general, I was content. if anything. Now, I enjoy things, I feel so ecstatic about how my life has been going. I have friends that want to hang with me more now, because I'm myself, and not hiding anything.


And mentally. For years it felt like my psyche was breaking down. Now, I know, that it was the real me trying to get out. As far as my old friends and best friends from back home have noticed, they saw this coming. They just assumed I'd come out as gay, didn't think I'd be this far even though they knew how feminine I was at times. Others who knew me pre-transition and even throughout this whole process thus far, have definitely noticed a change the way I act. Not necessarily personality, but definitely other things. I am more outgoing, more courageous, and just more fun to be around. Good things eh?


Yea there have been some downsides as well....I've had to defend myself and luckily I've had friends and family to help me. Thank goodness I haven't been alone yet when something bad happens. I hope it never will. The other downside....I started to realize a few months ago that he is gone. Forever. It's a little difficult to explain. Yes that was my past, but I don't see him in my past. He's a different person. It feels as though I ended his life....Because of this though, I was able to realize how my friends and family must have felt when I came out and began to transition. In a way, that did help with me talking to them about me coming out, and transitioning. Gave me a way to sympathize. I don't know. It so darn difficult to explain. Maybe I'll find the words sometime in the near future.


Anyway I guess that's all for now. I will definitely keep posting though, I'm not down yet! And I leave you with a little gift. A picture of him, and of one as of 2 months ago. :) And before anyone asks....yes, those are real..... >.< Once again, hormones are magic.

Before transition or even coming out. March 16, 2010

And me. As of 2 months ago. I couldn't decide between the last two pictures. I even shocked myself looking at these! March 24, 2012

There you have it. It is possibly to transition no matter how you think you looked like in your past. Maybe I'll make a transition collage in the near future as well. :P Here's to many more years and adventures to come!

Until next time, with love,

~Ellie

Once lost....

Hi everyone. Yes, it has been forever since I've last posted. I've been in an incredibly stressed out situation financially, emotionally, and socially. Nothing feels worse than when you are being kicked while you are already down.  What's worse is when no one can or is even willing to put forth the effort to try and help. Even if that help was just for someone to be here, when I was crying.


Most of the things I've been dealing with have been about finances, and my transitioning. Although I consider myself transitioned from male to female, I still feel like I can transition further. To continue my transition, I need more money, but I can't find a better job, or a better place to live, until I do other things that involve my transition, which in turn I need money to do so, etc, etc.


After about 3 months feeling this way, and having each day feel worse than the last, a few people decided to tell me that I do not pass..... After coming out 2 years ago, and overcoming so many obstacles, it has been an extreme challenge to even start to like myself. Everyday I look in the mirror, I hate what I see. Although some friends tell me there's no trace of my old boyish look, I can still see every flaw. After months, I've learned to not be so critical of myself. Started to even realize how pretty I've become. I was finally beginning to get comfortable with my preferred gender. Until one person told me that they could tell that I wasn't a girl....then another...and yet another still.....After 10 months of living full time and taking hormones, why was it that just now were people telling me that I don't pass? Was it because I had too much confidence (which I did not), or was it because I never really passed in the first place? Either way, having about 5 people within the same week tell me that they could very easily tell knocked me back a few notches.....all that hard work, destroyed within moments.


How does something that people can work on for weeks, months, even years be destroyed so easily? Why is it that our psyche can be so easily damaged simply by saying a few words? It really hurt me and made me doubt myself for months. Again. It was more than that though....not just doubting my looks and ability to pass....but doubting my decision to become a girl.


I've tried talking to some people about it. Read online about some people who go through all the alterations and surgeries and regret every decision they have ever made. What if I become like that? Am I making the right decision? What if....what if I really don't feel this way, and it's just because of some silly little idea that I thought was the inner me? There are lot's of irreversible alterations that have to be done to my body to be who I need to be.  So if I am making the wrong decision......then I would be screwed, and would need to learn to live life with the results of my bad decision making. This is something that has occurred to me of course, before starting this journey, but only recently has it hit me hard.


Months of soul searching, and only having a handful of days that I was happy with who I was. It does seem that I have been happier each and every day that I don't worry about passing, but there still is a lot of stress that I have to deal with. Maybe it's just the stress of making sure I look okay? Or maybe because of all the legal and medical requirements to be able to be myself? Maybe it will get easier, maybe not. It took me a while to figure out if I really was happy, and the only way I could do this was to look at my past once more. See how far I've come and how much my life (both physically and mentally/emotionally) has changed.


My blog has helped me with discovering more about myself. It showed my thought process as I became the real me. After this, I looked at pictures of my past that I didn't delete. They also showed a story of my life and how I used to be. Doing this, I continued my research by looking into a box of my old high school life earlier this week. It contains both photos, as well as trinkets with significant meanings behind them. I even found a page from an old journal that I used to keep. The only page that I kept....a drawing. I forgot that I tried to doodle in high school, and I was no good so I gave up. It was enough to make me realize who I was meant to be. It was a boy, crying, feeling trapped and useless. Next to it, it said....I wish I could be a girl.....I wish I was me....


I couldn't believe it. I completely forgot about keeping a journal about me, and desiring to be open with myself. Sadly, I had to destroy it, only because I forgot it at school one day, and I feared that it would fall into the wrong hands. I saved the one page I knew it was important, just in case I needed to be reminded to be myself in the future. It wasn't much, just a small saying, and a drawing. Hard to make out because  of wear and tear, but enough to help me. Maybe I'll touch it up and post it soon.


Well, here I am. Ready to take on the world, again. No more falling into a state of depression and thinking that the whole world is out to get me and I'll never be me. No more doubting myself because of other people. I am who I am. Not a man, not a child, not a freak. I am a woman, and I'm only beginning to explore the world I live in, as well as learn about my true self.


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie


P.S. Apologies again for taking so long to post. I really needed to figure things out. So I will start slow, and hopefully I can get into a groove again quickly. Also, apologies for seeming to jump around a lot and having it be such a long post. I just mostly needed to vent, and writing does help me think things through. :) Oh, and I started this post almost a month ago, but it wasn't until tonight when I could actually write most of it, and finally feel good about it as well. :)

A family that cares....

So that hiatus helped, and well, I said I would write something soon and whatnot, but of course things come up,  stress occurs, and life happens. I guess here's to updating, still being alive, and figuring out life...


Well, this weekend I got to see another one of my best friends get married. And for those of you who don't know, I have like 10 best friends, all male. And yes, they are all still really good friends with me, and support me, even if they don't understand, and feel awkward about it a little. Anyway, he got married, and it was a grand time held by all. I got to see old friends, my family, and even others that really surprised me on how accepting they were. Such a nice time. :) All my stress seemed to fade away. Once I came back to my apartment, 4 hours away, all that stress started to come back. I did some financial calculations, and well....it would be nearly impossible for me to move out of here for about 3 years...


I am paying way too much in bills and barely make enough for me to survive. The current job I'm at, even with the raises, can barely support myself. I've weighed the pros and cons, and it looks like, even if its for a few months, moving back home with my parents (or possibly friends) would be the best bet. If I move back, the minimum wage is higher than my current pay rate, and I'll save some money on rent. With that, bills would take me down from over 600 dollars a month, to about 300. Well then, looking at it that way, it really does seem like a better deal. Yes it's going to be rough living there, but I think its the best thing I could do for myself. Less rent, less bills, at least for a few months. On top of that, it would be a stepping stone for my journey toward living in Seattle. :)


Anyway, long story short, I'm moving back home. My parents are being really supportive of me now, as well as my second family. I love all my friends and family, and thankfully they are still in my life. I can't do this alone, and I'm realizing this. My transition isn't just about finding out who I am, it's also about my family and friends discovering who I really was. How we all interact with each other, and trust. I have a good support network here, but now that my family is involved, I think I'll give them another chance. At least for a little while. :)




Until next time, with love,
~Ellie

Update...

So yea....I know, I was going to update this week. And after writing that last post, the very next day, I got sick. SICK!!!! Out of all the things that could happen, I happen to fall ill.... So now, its more stress.....One vicious cycle that I cannot seem to break free off. :( This week though. And at least I do get to go get my name changed this Monday. Just crossing my fingers that the paper work goes through! :)


~Ellie

Hiatus

Sorry folks. Many things have come up, and I've been stressed beyond belief. What's new right? With new things happening at work, my schedule being switched up (once again), bills, and with name change paperwork. UGH! So much stuff for a girl to deal with!  On top of that, failed dates again, and friends all wanting for me to hang out with them.


Sorry for not letting anyone know that I decided to take a small hiatus these past two weeks. It was good for me to try and realign myself, and figure out life. All that done, I should be back to writing this upcoming week. :) Hope everyone didn't miss me too much! :P


~Ellie

Well deserved day....

With all of the stress I've had to deal with lately, I needed to do something to blow off steam.  With bills, work, and hardly being able to do anything for myself, I was really starting to feel stressed. One of the best things I know that helps me relax is snowboarding. So I saved up a bit, just to go today. :)

And it was worth it.

Granted, I haven't been up there in almost 2 years. Since the changes with hormones, and losing lots of weight, as well as missing a season, I essentially had to reteach myself. After a few runs though, I was blasting through them. Still not at the skill level I was at, but definitely getting there. :)

The mountain was gorgeous. Good amount of long runs, great black diamond challenges, and best of all, it was sunny. Not too warm to freeze everything, just sunny and beautiful. People usually wish to have a day like that. Great snow and sun. I ended up having to get rid of a lot of layers though. :P

Anyway, the best part was, I didn't sleep last night. I closed, which meant I got home around 2 or 230 am, and then had to make sure I had everything for the trip. Tried to sleep, but got about an hour before my alarm went off. I seemed to have survived though. When I got home, I just crashed. I wanted to go dancing, but seeing as I had no sleep, and I feel incredibly sore from today, I think it was a great decision. :)

Alright. Short, sweet, and to the point. I just got up because I was really thirsty, decided to write this, and now, back to passing out. :)

Until next time, with love,
~Ellie

Doubts...

Everyone has doubts or fears throughout their lives. Sometimes they are small, other times, big things. It can range from a variety of things, from family, relationships, but more than likely, about ourselves. In the end, we all have to remember, that they usually aren't that big of a deal. I know I still have to remember that...

So far, my life has been a roller coaster of emotions, and events. I've experienced many things, and gone through many obstacles to become who I am today. And although I seem confident enough to go out in public as my true self, I still have my own doubts of passing. Especially when I meet someone new, or go to a new place. There's always that little nagging voice in the back of my head telling me all of the little things that stick out, and every little quirk that I do incorrectly, which could possibly out me.

I know that I do pass, even my friends and family know this. Very few people can actually see the flaws, if only because they knew my old self for a long time, or I have pointed out the flaws to them. Still, that little voice just keeps eating at you. No matter how much you seem to pass, it will keep eating at you.

At least that's my experience with it.

Sadly, almost anything can set it off. Sometimes you just have a small fit of a panic attack out of nowhere, or maybe you see someone who reminds you of a flaw. For example, say you are out with friends and you are having a great time. When all of a sudden, you see another girl with a smaller waist, or better make up on her face, all of a sudden, you start feeling unpassable again. It is a little worse sometimes because biological girls usually when they see that, they do kind of get a little jealous. But those of us who weren't so lucky, makes us feel more than just inferior. It reminds us all of our pasts that most of us would rather forget, or at the very least not be reminded of it constantly.

So, sometimes, biological girls trigger it for us. Other times, when we discover another trans person out in the real world it could be just as bad. Either they pass extremely well, and you feel like you don't, or worse. They might not be able to pass as well, and you still feel that because they can see them, they could discover you as well.

All these little things can make us feel really inferior as a group. It doesn't seem to matter if you are only starting your transition, or if you have been fully transitioned for years it seems like. All we can do is just remember that we do have a difficult journey ahead of us. Luckily though, we have friends and family to help us along the way, no matter at what age, or what part of transitioning one might be at. I know I need to remember that all my little flaws aren't as noticeable as I might think.

Until next time, with love,

~Ellie

P.S. I might have to go and rewrite this later. It feels like I mostly just slammed it out, without thinking about it too much. Or maybe its the lack of sleep that has been going on this week. Who knows. :/ Maybe a day or so of having it posted will help me out. 

We must face our own fears (Part 2)....

Yes, you read last week's post correctly. The first time was that summer, at least of knowing that I could not keep forcing myself to live life as that person. And as you can see, I never went through with it, thank goodness. Here's the story....


It was the summer of 2005. I had recently told (well about a month or so prior) my significant other of the time about how I cross dressed. First time I've ever told anyone in my entire life. No one knew, or even had the slightest idea about my secret life, so by telling her, you can see how much she meant to me/how much I trusted her. She seemed okay with it to say the least. Looking back though, maybe she really wasn't. She started to kind of drift away from me since that day. Long story short, lets fast forward to the summer. Late july, I want to say around the 20th....


So, my family had left to visit relatives over in mexico. Yes, my entire family left without me. I was somehow able to convince them to let me stay here alone. To house sit or something, I really don't remember how I did it, just that I did. So they were gone for a month. It was fun, living by myself for once, and not worrying about family and whatnot. Had friends visit sometimes, had a job, and was still with my significant other of the time. At that point, I was still trying to just live my life as much as I could bear. Then my closest friends left on a two week vacation. Almost simultaneously. Still, nothing too bad. I still had my significant other. :) We always spent time together, talked about everything, and pretty much everything you can think of that a high school couple does. After 8 months, even a little before, we had began talking about getting married after high school. Yea. Marriage....I fell for her. She kept saying all the right things, but most importantly, I finally was able to be myself around her. I could trust her with my deepest secret. Maybe she could be the one? Maybe not.


After telling her many of my secrets, and her telling me her fears and secrets as well (of course I will not exploit any of them), we were incredibly close. Then, from out of nowhere, it seemed like she started to push away a little. As if after telling her a little bit about my secret truth, it unnerved her. Or maybe it was something else. It could have been any number of reasons really. The point is, around July 20th, I figured that maybe I should tell her about my biggest secret of all. At least so I could have someone to talk to. Sadly, I never got the chance to do so, since she broke up with me.


Devastated, and alone, I had no one to turn to. On top of being heartbroken and alone, part of my deepest secret was at risk of being revealed to the entire school, when school got back in session of course. This is the first time that life felt hopeless....and that I just couldn't continue to live a lie...especially if what was ahead for me was more loneliness and heartbreak. For about four or five days, I stopped eating. All I did was start to plan different ways to commit suicide. I believe I came up with about 26 different plans or so on how to do it. Some extreme, others more subtle. It ranged from me bleeding out, to jumping from a high point, to even making it look like an accident. Only thing I really felt was that this wasn't my life, and that the body I was in was already dead. Growing up, I was quiet and depressed. This time, I felt empty. No real emotion, just empty.


So, I could not bear this life anymore. I told people different things about what happened that week, and why I seemed to have changed. I told them stories from I didn't do anything, just really depressed, to I prayed and found God in my life. Honestly, that wasn't true. That was when I wondered even more if he really was up there. So what did I do for my great suicidal escape? I tried overdosing on meds.


I don't know how or what happened, but I woke up in the middle of my living room just fine. A little dizzy, but fine nonetheless...Maybe I didn't take enough? Or maybe I threw some up. I honestly cannot remember. All I know is that I was still alive, and that I was passed out for a good day or so. Within the next few days, people started returning home, and wanting to hang out. And within the week, my family had returned as well, a little ahead of schedule. I still felt empty, but I began to think that maybe since I already feel dead inside, maybe I could survive for a while longer. I never got a chance to be alone like that again, and it was a good thing too. Since that day, my depression had gotten worse, the feeling of being empty was unbearable, and to top it all off, I eventually started getting addicted to certain pills (in college, not high school). Had to take a few every day, or at least tried to, to feel something, anything, other than emptiness.


Throughout college, I came up with a few different plans, got addicted to painkillers, and started to figure out a way to push everyone away. Having all those different plans kept me sane though. Knowing that if it became too unbearable once again, I could possibly turn to a plan. Apparently I did a pretty good job of hiding this side of me, because very few people even knew about how I felt. Maybe if I had found help earlier for not being who I really am could have helped. The only time I even felt remotely alive, and like myself was when I wore women's clothing. Eventually that even started to fade, mostly because I didn't have anywhere to do it, and well, I was afraid to come out, or of people finding out about me not wanting to be male. Anyway, after pushing family, and most friends away, by not keeping in contact, I was hoping to finally attempt suicide once again, and succeed this time. Luckily I had friends around to keep me from doing that, even if they didn't know about it. 


Many break downs later, including the worst one I had in my life, I finally came out and started telling people about how I really felt inside. From there, a psychologist came to play, I started reconnecting to everyone, and I finally quit lying to myself. I would like to say as well, that I ended up throwing away all those suicidal plans, which I ended up having about 43 as soon as I started to become happy. Which was around the time when I started to find my true self, and eventually, began to live full time, as the real me. :)


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie

P.S. It took me about a week to write this. It still affects me to this day, so its very difficult to talk about it. It needed to be said though. I even noticed that while writing, my brain would still try to avoid the subject, but I got through it. Talking with a professional really does help.

As we approach dawn (Part 1)....

Again, apologies for not being consistent/on time with my blog. You have no idea what kind of stress I have been putting myself through trying to jump through societies loops. Anyway, as I began to write this post, I realized that I couldn't go in the original direction that I intended. To know where I am really coming from, I had to start from an earlier point in life. So as a fore warning, this will get dark. Very dark.


We have all made mistakes in our past. Some worse than others, but they always seem to come back and bite us if we don't do something about it, whether its something good, or bad. For me....it could have been extremely bad...


Most of my life, I hid my depression from the world. I never quite fit in, but if I could pretend, maybe no one would notice it.  All I had to do is follow exactly what other people, more specifically, my gender did. I tried, and the more I forced myself to act the part, the more difficult it became. It ate away like some sort of infection. Just tearing away little by little, until nothing was left. Eventually, it just became a numbing sort of sensation. I honestly felt dead inside. Which in part, made life a tiny bit more tolerable. Eventually though, that wasn't even enough anymore.


For years I felt depressed, trying to figure out why I felt out of place. Yea, I was the smart kid, the nerd, geek in elementary and part of middle school. I had no guy friends. Yet, I did have friends who were girls, and I seemed to get along with them a lot easier than I did with some of the guys. Scratch that, most of the guys. Of course, when social norms began to divide the boys from the girls, I couldn't help but be forced with the guys. I tried to fit in to the best of my abilities.....but couldn't. Always got picked on, not just for being intelligent, but also because of hanging out with the girls/never being manly enough. Ugh....


Even when I got older, and started to figure out how to be "manly" I still could not shake off my depression. Nothing I would do seemed to fix it. The only thing that did seem to fix it, at least temporarily was me crossdressing. Just wearing female clothes seemed to help me feel....like me. Its very difficult to even try to describe what I felt, since very few people can even begin to comprehend what kind of pain one goes through when they are trapped in a body that isn't their own. Eventually, in high school, I would always seem to find something to wear, that was hidden from public, that would help me survive another day. Whether that item was a sock, or even a bracelet that I took from my sister (sorry sis!), I ended up having some sort of feminine article on my person, or in my bag. All of that did help calm me...at least for a time being.


Honestly, I did not quite understand why that would help me back then. Most of the time, I felt dead, except when I had a female article of clothing or accessory. It felt like I was connected to it, like I was meant to have it. Even now, I still have trouble even trying to describe what I felt. I always returned it, and apparently no one was ever the wiser. Eventually though....that started to fade away. Once again...I felt empty....


The earliest I remember wanting to end everything, not just wondering how life would be without me, was around my sophomore year in high school. That's when I really could not stand it anymore. Life felt dead to me, I was just going through the motions. Started losing my energy to do anything really, and even my grades started to slip a little. Of course it wasn't all of a sudden, it was more of a gradual slope. I began to have no motivation, but still tried my best to hide it. The more I tried to go through the motions, the more I thought to myself, "What's the point?" Nothing really mattered, there wasn't a real point to life, if I couldn't be happy with who I wanted to be.


From that point on, things started going from bad, to worse. By the end of my junior year, I had stopped crossdressing because it began to make me really angry that I was a male, and I would never be a girl. I was masculine, and it showed. I was no longer feminine looking. Why did life, why did God make me like this? Why was I wrong? WHY COULDN'T I BE HAPPY!!!??? Everyone else is happy, or at least seem to be living a happier life....why couldn't I just be a girl.....That summer is when I first attempted suicide....


Until next time,


~Ellie