Dawning of a new era....

So. Interestingly enough, this week has been pretty terrible, but I kept my hopes up. Not sure what changed in me, but I'm out of that stupid rut that I have been in for a few weeks now. Well, at least I got out of it a few weeks ago. Moaning and groaning about it seemed to make it worse. I truly gave up on complaining and instead, just lived life.

I just kind of went with the flow, stressed and all, but knowing who I was, and what I wanted to achieve kept helping me through it. Even when I ended up getting oil from one of the fryer vats land on my face last Sunday, I kept going. Yea it hurt, but I needed to keep pushing. So glad that I was able to stop most of it, and wipe most of it off my face. Very lucky. On top of that, I have also injured my back. Probably with the lifting of heavy objects. It's pretty much been one bad thing after another. >:(

There is something that has changed recently though, a little ray of hope. Well two things. 1) The weather. :) Yes, its gotten colder, and it has actually rained recently. I always prefer it to rain over sunny days. Besides, cold weather just makes it better for cuddling. :P And 2) I have a date!!!! ^.^

Okay. So I pretty gave up on trying to find someone. I really didn't have time to go out to the bars or parties to even meet people. Especially when working full time, and then trying to hang out with friends and running errands on my days off. It just wasn't working. So I joined a dating site, a free one, because I didn't want to pay money for something I didn't think I was going to use very often. Well, to my surprise, on my first day, someone contacted me. We've been messaging and texting back and forth since. We just talked about whatever really. Getting to know each other. Talked about where we are from, dating, relationships, thoughts on things, you know, basics. Finally yesterday, I was wondering if he was going to ask me out. Nothing was happening......so I took a chance....and fumbled a little...but the words went through. I was so nervous for the answer. He said yes!!! ^.^

He seems really nice, and sweet. I can't wait for our date, and we shall see how things go. I must be careful since this is my first date in over a year, and well....I've never been in a relationship where I was truly happy with myself. Plus I've never dated a guy, so we shall see how everything goes. One step at a time. To start things off though, I wanted to be completely honest with him. Starting off anything with a lie is bad, so I told him about myself. That I've only been on hormones and living full time as a woman for 4 months now. I used to be a boy, but have always felt like a female. That I am a girl, nothing less, and all that jazz. He completely understood my situation, and was still willing to go out with me! I guess it helps that he's bi. :) I hope things work out, and of course I will have to be careful along the way. He is still a stranger, no matter how nice he seems, for now. I'll keep everyone posted though on what happens. Now, time to go rest because my back is killing me! At least life seems to finally be getting better. :)

Until next time, with love,
~Ellie

P.S. I was so not expecting my post to fit so well one after another. I thought it would take a few weeks, but wow, things are changing faster than I though! ^.^

Darkest before dawn...

Lately, life hasn't been so great. Things keep popping up in places where you might not expect to, and can hit you without warning. Money. Work. Friends. Relationships.  All of these have been adding stress to my life, that I really do not need in this transition. Having to worry about everything, including myself? Ugh! Too much!


Money. Bills, bills, and more bills. I save a  little bit from each paycheck just so I can continue to change my wardrobe. Now that I finally have a decent amount of clothes for summer, fall has started, and winter is right around the corner. Its hard to keep up! And its expensive if you want to look good. :P The one good thing about the bills though? My doctor bills are paid in full. Stress- a gazillion billion or something. Lost count. Relief-1. At the very least lol.


Work. Wow....talk about thankless. Really. Prime example. We raised our prices of cheeseburgers to 1.19. 1.27 after tax. Our owner/higher ups did not tell us about this change. Not even a warning. So what happens next? We get customer after customer blowing up at us. It happened for about a week and a half. Yea. We have control over our prices. On top of that? Drama. Lots of it. People need to grow up honestly. Only good thing with work? I have a job, income, and I've made some good friends there. On top of that, they are okay with me being me. Stress......still pretty high. At least relief is starting to come back.


Friends. Its tough to say. I know they will be there when I need them, and are willing to hang out. I also understand that they are busy and have a busy schedule/life. It just feels like I might not be too important in their life. I've been pretty anti social most of my life, only socializing with people I actually know and want to be with. Parties? Yea right. I avoided them as much as I could. Point is, being alone, and with no one to hang out with, make me think about bad things. Especially now that I want to be more social. I'm comfortable enough with myself now, that I want to just be with people for a change. Good thing? Well, some people, have pushed around their busy schedules just to actually talk to me, or be with me. There are a few people trying, and I appreciate everything they do. I'm not angry at my friends or anything like that. Not at all, just would be nice to see people again. :)


Relationships. Non existent. Seriously. I haven't been asked out, or anything in over a year. Its as if no one seems me, I'm not interesting or anything. It is a terrible feeling! I'm here! Please someone ask me out! I promise I'm not intimidating! Anyway. Yea so its non existent. But you know? Its okay. I had a lot of growing up to do, and I had to make sure I was truly happy, not just sort of happy with myself. I needed to love myself, and be happy with what I was becoming. Since starting to transition, I've always had doubts. Will I pass? What if something bad happens? Am I dressed appropriately? Tons and tons of questions. All going through my head at once. I need to know me, and be happy with myself before getting into anything serious. Good thing here? Actually, really isn't one. But at least I'm not upset or depressed about it! :)


So I've actually started to look at more positives lately. I'm by no means an optimist. I'm more of a realist. So why am I so cheery with things seeming to go wrong, or at least not my way? Simple. I don't know. :)  It has been a rough ride, and there are still many bumps in my future. All I can say is that I began to feel all my stress hitting me at once last week. It felt like I couldn't do anything about it. No one to help me, no one. Finally, I decided to stop holding my breath, and closed my eyes. Deep breathe, in, then out. I began to listen to everything. Not words, but surroundings. Feel everything. Smell, taste, then see. I......something snapped in me. 


Well, it was more of a realization. When things seem at its worst, there is always hope. I was letting everything that was going wrong in my life get to me. Granted, nothing really was/is going my way, but that's not the point. Just don't let it get to you. With this, I was able to make great progress in my transition. For the first time ever, I actually can fully admit that I pass. I PASS. No, better than pass. I am me. A girl, a person. 


Instead of looking down when I walk, I look up, and smile. People look at me, and smile back. Lately, my thoughts of "OH GOD CAN THEY SEE STRAIGHT THROUGH ME AND REALIZE I'M NOT A GENETIC FEMALE" have gone to more of a "He's cute, I think he's checking me out!" And that can be replaced with she as well. :P Just in the past few days, more flirting from my end has even happened. I don't always realize I do this, but my friends sure do. I even started to stop trying to dress like one thing or another, and just dressed how I like with what I like. Yea pea coat, military hat, and batman belt buckle! :P I'll have to post a picture of that sometime. I just wore it cause I like it, but I did overhear a group of girls talking while I walked by, glancing in my direction. At first they were quiet, but then I heard them say, "Is she really wearing that?" Of course my first thought was "oh god...just keep walking before something bad happens." but then they said, "How can she pull that off, its cute but it really shouldn't be."  "She looks so confident" Another one said. I think I also overheard something about them being a little jealous. I quickly glanced around, and there wasn't any other girl near me. They were talking about me. I went inside this little bar/restaurant, listened to some great music, and all was well. :) Maybe it was just me, overthinking things, again, but in a positive manner. Or maybe I did hear it correctly. Either way, I felt good. Although I know some doubt will always linger, Much of it has been eliminated. I am confident. I don't really care what the world thinks of me anymore. I like me, and that's what's important


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie
P.S. Yea, this is kind of a two parter, but eh, its pretty much what happened this week, and I really didn't want to split it up! :)

A Brotherhood So Strong....

A while back I did a quick recap of when I came out and where I was. I mentioned a fraternity.

My fraternity.

Phi Mu Alpha is a music fraternity that promotes music in America. Its wonderful. Lots of singing, and many great friends that I've made with my experience there. Not friends, Brothers I should say. They were with me through the rough times, as well as the great times. Everyone has their own experience with the group, and although mine was a bit.... unorthodox, one thing is always the same. A strong bond is formed.

Yes, when I was in college I decided to join a fraternity. Yes, a fraternity, not a frat. It was my second year here, and a few people were still trying to convince me to join since my freshman year. "Well, I do like music, and I do need to start socializing more" I thought to myself, still trying to figure out if this would be the right path for me. Although it took me a while to decide, I went for it. One of the best decisions I've made to date.

Although I was with the group for three years with no one ever knowing about my secret, I still felt a sense of belonging with the group. Not only did we do our weekly meetings and whatnot, but we all hung out with each other outside of meetings and events. Of course it wasn't until April of my last year in college when I went to Tacoma for a small fraternity event when I finally broke down....

April 27-28

It wasn't anything big. Three of us from the Beta Sigma chapter decided to go over to visit another group of Phi Mu Alpha members in Tacoma. Fun times all around. This thing though....in the back of my head keeps nagging me, telling me I should come here, and start a new life. It would be easier and no one would ever have to know. I started feeling trapped again. This isn't who I am, this is a fake person. I shook it off, trying not to think about it. I'm a man.....just have to keep reminding myself of that. Back at the hotel, that feeling just kept pushing and pushing more and more. I just wanted to cry. I was having a breakdown, and it was going to be my worst one yet. I can't cry in front of my fraternity brothers though, what would they think of me? Okay. We are enjoying a few beers now. Sharing? Okay. Maybe I should tell them about me, and what I've been feeling. What if they won't understand? I can't stand it anymore! I NEED TO TELL SOMEONE! No.....need to be strong. Need to stay strong.....bed....yes, maybe sleeping will help.

On the trip back....things did not get easier. It was eating inside of me. I texted a few people about how I felt. Once home, I broke down. For hours. I couldn't lie to the world anymore, or myself.

From that day I began realizing who I am. Found some help, talked with many people, and slowly began to come out.  The day I ended up telling the fraternity (a few Brothers already knew at this point) was the first time I fully understood the meaning of brotherhood. I was nervous when I told them, scared too. I didn't know how they would react. Shaking with fear, and my throat tightening up, I was able to make the words come out of my mouth. Yes, some of them were in shock, while others weren't really that surprised. But they all got up and hugged me. I was still a part of the group, a part of them, and I would still be the same person no matter what. They accept me for who I am, not what I look like.

I took a year off from seeing anyone really. Friends or brothers. Even family. I needed to try to figure out my path in life and becoming who I need to be. I'm far from there, but now I'm at the point where I feel comfortable enough with who I am. Enough to pick up where I had left everyone. As the new me.

I've reconnected with old friends and my Fraternity just within these last few months. I am going to attempt to make more meetings and events with my Brothers. They have always been close to my heart, and always will. I've only gone to one small meeting, that was more of an ice breaker for potential members. Most people were confused, given the situation, its understandable. For those who knew me back then though, welcomed me. They didn't really treat me any different. It was a wonderful feeling, feeling welcomed and feeling like if I never left. Most don't even call me Brother anymore, but Sister without even asking me, which always seems to put a smile on my face. The only tough thing I had to deal with was when we sang. I always had trouble hitting those low notes, even as a tenor I. Since I've been practicing my voice, and pretty much using a higher voice, its easier to hit the higher notes, but almost impossible to hit those pesky low ones! :P Thank you Brothers, for keeping me in your life, and allowing me to keep you in mine.

Until next time, with love,
~Ellie
OAS AAS LLS

P.S. Yes, that quick flashback was pretty much me rambling to myself in my head. I do that a lot. Still.

Fear of change....

People never change. I hold this truth close to my heart. Maybe its my realist side (or for you optimists out there, my pessimistic side :P ) or maybe its something else. Either way, this is what I see. A big reason why I'm always cautious when meeting new people. They may appear to be kind, and friendly at first, but soon will show their true colors when you least expect them to.

I'm not saying everybody who appears to be a good person will become an evil psycho or anything like that. Not at all. There are things we as humans do tend to change. We want everyone to like us (in general), so we hide our bad traits. Then, without really thinking, our "bad" or at least more annoying traits tend to rise up into view. A good example of this is when you talk to someone for a few weeks, they seem like a great person, you know, kind, caring, helpful, etc, when after that week, you notice them trying to control more and more things. Or you might notice them being lazy, or a little neurotic, or whatever. The point is, you will never know their true colors right away. It takes time to actually know, and understand a person. Even when they are hiding a secret, those closest to them will know and be understanding when the time comes.

So. People never really change. At least not overall. Their likes tend to be the same, same quirks, same humor. When people actually change, its because of a very traumatic experience they may have had. So what about someone like me? My body/gender is changing, so my personality is as well right? Am I becoming a completely different person?

Its complicated.

Yes, things are changing in my life, and to some extent, my personality is receiving more of a tweak, than a complete tune-up/change. For those who may have known me as a casual acquaintance, or just a regular friend, would never have picked up my true personality. Only the more important ones. Love of music, video games, snowboarding, sci fi, overall a nice and helpful person. Unlike people who would see me everyday, interact with me on a more personal level, like my closest friends, would actually get a chance to see the more real me. Like my sensitivity, and more feminine characteristics. All in all, my personality hasn't really changed. I'm still that geek, still love what I do, all that fun stuff. I haven't had a traumatic experience that has made me want to change. So why do people think I'm different now?

Well, for one, I'm more outgoing. The more comfortable I get in my own skin, the better I feel, which makes me want to be social. I hated putting myself out there, but now I do it almost daily. I'm more confident in everything I do. My sad/depressed moods (the super intense ones) are gone. I feel like myself. In coming out, I've been able to embrace my best characteristics, and just enhance them.

People never really change. Same goes for myself. My likes and personality are the same, nothing has changed. This new person isn't that much different from who she was. She's just happier, energetic, and way more social, and you know what? I like her this way. Maybe its not so complicated. People do tend to over complicate things. Maybe the answer is just, simple. :)

Until next time, with love,
~Ellie