A world full of....

Hate. Pain. Everywhere there is suffering. People hurting others, and fighting. Nothing good can ever come out of violence. Especially when the violence is instigated by hate.

Many of you may not have heard about the terrorist attacks in Norway. It was a real tragedy, and my heart goes out to all the families it has affected. If you would like to learn more about this, here is a  link to the most up to date news:

http://www.cnn.com/2011/WORLD/europe/07/22/norway.explosion/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

Hate is everywhere. People will get angry and get violent when they see something strange or they don't agree with it. We appear to be a violent species. Always destroying to get our way. Not just terrorists, racists, homophobes, etc., but ourselves. We destroy and rebuild everything the way we want to, whether its the environment or ourselves. There are radicals everywhere, it doesn't matter if its religion, or just one's beliefs. We always seem to slow down the  progress of humanity.

We don't need to hate each other because we aren't the same. We are all different, and we must accept that. Forcing ourselves to only know one thing, and never wanting to see everything and learning about everything is to stop progress. There are radicals on both sides. Yes there are some evil men out there as well, but that's not the point. We need to lead by example. We need to help others when they are in need. Support them no matter what they believe. There is so much hate in the world, and it feels like I can do nothing about it.
 
If you see someone being attacked for no reason on the street or in the store, would you do anything about it? If there's a chance you could be hurt, would you save another life from certain death? There have been people to just stand there and watch while bad things happen. Heck a few months ago there was an attack on a young transwoman, for no reason other than being herself. No one helped her, and in fact, employees watched and recorded the whole thing while it happened. So what can I do to help? Surly I, a young transwoman cannot possibly do anything to change the world, or help those in need right?

I can be me.

Everyday, I keep becoming happier and happier because of my transition. I'm passing more, and becoming more outgoing. With this, I can help others in need. Whether its helping a customer find something they would like, listen to a friend when they are in need, or even wave hello to a complete stranger to brighten up their day. If someone needs assistance on the street, I will be there. We need to support our fellow human beings. It doesn't matter if they are of a different race, religion, or whatever. If they need it, we should help. It doesn't matter if they hate trans people, or anything. Yes there are dangers involved in this, but we cannot be afraid all of our lives. We are the ones who will shape our future. We are the ones who the younger generations will look towards. The world will keep turning, but we are the ones who have to fight for whats right. Equality, acceptance, understanding. Three simple words that together will help power our future, improve all relations, help make a world we can all live in.

I know I can't fix the world, but I sure can make it a better place.

Until next time, with love,
~Ellie

P.S. Love for Norway, and those who have been lost. Let us never forget.

Informing a Social Network

This is the message I will use when I inform the world of who I am, and who I am destined to become. It is my final draft, and I think I'll post it here first. Here we go:

[A message to all my friends and family:

Before we get started, I know most, if not, all of you are pretty understanding and open about everything. If you really don't think you can be, you can stop reading right now. This is something very serious, and not to be taken lightly.

Feeling trapped and wrong has always been a problem for me. I never felt like I belonged, and an outcast. Depression was always a constant in my life. I could never see clearly, always doubted everything in my life, from my own person skills, to all my relationships. Because of this, I always tried keeping to myself, never revealing too much, always focused on other things. Finally I feel like I can breathe for the first time in my life. A secret that has finally been revealed and has allowed me to feel alive for the first time in years.

This dark secret I have been hiding from the entire world, as well as myself, for over 20 years. This secret has caused me much pain and frustration growing up, and has affected me deeply in many levels. After coming to terms with this darkness, I realized it wasn't a darkness at all. It just seemed so dark because I couldn't see the light it held. Because of me finally being able to understand and embrace it, I have finally been able to fulfill my life. I am much happier, less stressed, and life has overall  been better. The dark secret? For the longest time I've been trying to figure out why I was different, why I never fit in to any social norms. It turns out I was normal, just on the wrong side of the fence. Those closest to me already knew, at least in part, about why I was different. I'm tired of hiding it, tired of not actually be able to be me. For all of you wondering, I am transgender.

Yes, you read that right, transgender.

For those of you who don't know, the general term for transgender is someone who appear to look different from what they feel inside. Examples, girls who act and feel more like a guy, so they want to look more like guys, and vice versa. This has NOTHING to do with sexuality. It is strictly gender identity. And yes, I am one of those few people.

First off, I still am me. Same personality, same likes, dislikes, and for those of you who might be wondering, no its not contagious :P . In all seriousness though, I am no longer depressed, and no longer am I having suicidal thoughts. Finally coming to terms with this has made me feel better, given me more energy, allowed me to get into better shape, and overall, just happier. I am a girl on the inside, and will be reflecting that on the outside. I am me. I will always be me. Nothing and no one will ever change that. Just because I look different on the outside than I do on the inside at the moment, doesn't change who I was meant to be.

I think that's all I'm going to say in this note. Simple and to the point. You probably have many questions about this, and if you are open to it, I would love to answer those questions. I do also have a blog up and running, as well as a new account. If you would like links to any of these, please send me a private message and I will link them. I probably will not be using this account much anymore, if at all, so if you still want to be in contact, or still want to be friends, you should definitely message me. If not, I hope you have a wonderful life and find your own happiness.

Thank you for reading, and thank you for your time.]

There. I've been working on what I really wanted to put into it, how much detail, etc. After a few weeks of writing, and editing, I think I finally got it down. Not going to post it up to my old profile yet, until I make a few more calls to family members. It would be a little strange for that to show up on my old facebook, and make family wonder why I didn't inform sooner. This will be the easiest way to inform all my friends who I've known for a while, but can hardly contact because of distance, phone numbers, etc. Hopefully I can post it sometime this week though. It is the last thing I need to do before I'm 100% out with no worries. Anyway, I thought I'd share it here first so everyone can see. If anyone has any comments, please let me know. :) 

Until next time, with love,
~Ellie

P.S. We are on Facebook now!

Sentimental

Double update? No Wai!

I've actually been wanting to do this for a while, and well, why not tonight? Its as good as any! And all my readers deserve it :)

So I have a few things that I care deeply for. First item, a pair of bracelets.

These bracelets were made by a friend of mine and I loved what she told me about them. The blue one represents my past, and the purple one represents my future.

Each one is very important in my life, and together it represents me. Without my past, I do not have a future. 

Even though I would like to erase my past, its still what makes me, me. I feel like I've been through a few hardships, especially one's I would love to forget. But I do know that each event has formed my life in a very unique way. Even the bad ones will turn out to be good if you look at it closely enough. Never forget where you came from, and you will always continue to move forward.

Until next time, with love,

Ellie

P.S. So no matter what, everyone spells my nickname Ellie, I guess i'm starting to like that. We shall see if it sticks. :)

Breathing....

Water. Water keeps falling, more and more. A flash of light, silence....then a deep groan. Trickling, dripping, everything's wet. Feels....new. Fresh. There's a thunderstorm outside, and I've always loved those.

The rain has always been special to me. When I'm depressed, or stressed, and it rains, it always feels soothing, as if it was washing away all of my pain and sorrow.  Refreshing the world as one might say.  Always ready to start a new day, a new beginning.

This time....things seem to be different.

Trying to keep a positive view on life is pretty difficult given my situation. Learning how to control emotions and (some) minor pain caused by hormones, dealing with some people not understanding that you are a girl, not a gay guy in drag, hiding part of your past, and being extremely careful when meeting someone new. So much to deal with, and trying to balance everything is a challenge. When you finally think you figure something out, another curve ball is thrown. Then another, and then another.

Some of the best advice I have received was actually during my first "time of the month".  A coworker/friend said that I should learn to center myself. Meditate, Yoga, anything to help keep yourself in balance. If you keep doing it and doing it right, it will help throughout life. I have started to meditate, and already things are starting to seem okay. Not great, just....better.

So yes, this time things seem different. Although I still believe that the rain will help with washing away all the pain of yesterday, a big part still depends on ourselves and believing that we will be happy. I know its hard, and I know I still have to work on this myself, but believe it, relax, and breathe. Everything will be okay.

Until next time, with love,

~Elli

Is there anyone out there?

So it has been a while since I've written anything for my blog. Honestly, I'm not so sure how many people actually like to read it, or even read it. Just having doubts in all areas of my life lately. Not that I've been depressed or anything, life's actually been pretty good to me. Just, I'm not sure...

First of, it just seems difficult to actually know who is out there receiving my message. Hopefully at least someone out there this blog is helping them. At the very least, I should just write more often for my sake, since writing does tend to help me figure out life.

As far as everything is going, I have officially been on hormones about a month and a half, and been living full time since. No one has really judged, and only 3 people have either not been understanding (by not actually seeing that I'm not a "sir" or asking if i was a guy in drag or a girl). Not bad for being the real me everywhere now. :) So yea, life has been pretty good to me. Can't really complain right? Not so sure.

Mostly just been feeling kind of bleh lately. Trying to figure out where my life is going, where I want it to go, how I want it to go, and on top of that, helping others with their problems. Life actually seems to be back to normal for me, just with me being the real me. Essentially, I'm helping everyone with their stress whether it comes from financial problems, relationships, work, etc. Its just becoming more and more difficult because no one seems to really care or see too much that I would like to vent also, or would like some help.

When people talk about how they've been single, and no one likes them, and they have (insert self esteem issue here) and no one likes that, and so on and so forth, its just frustrating. You have problems, but aren't the only one. At least everything about you is real, physically. I still have to hide tons. Just because I'm passing, doesn't mean I pass. Plus emotional problems, and relationships? I can guarantee that it is more difficult for me, period. I need to at least make sure everything is in check.

I've started to get really nit picky about everything. My makeup, clothes, hair, everything. It feels like everything I'm doing isn't working, or makes me stick out. Basically, I'm getting really frustrating with myself. Friends have been there saying things work, or don't work, etc. Friends have a biased for me, as well as I do with myself. And I can't just ask a random stranger. That could turn really ugly really quick. The one thing that I know for a fact would help, is if someone finally did ask me out, boy or girl.

I guess I'm also just tired of being single. Lately, I've been wanting a relationship. Boy or girl, since I am bi, but leaning towards a guy. Being me though, I won't put myself out there. Too afraid I guess and its starting to just make me frustrated with myself. If a random guy wants a legit relationship with me, and even is completely okay with me, it would help remove all my doubts. At least in my mind it would. Or at least care less what the world thinks. Not depressed, but not too terribly happy. Just bleh.

Hopefully things will start looking up soon. Its been far too long since I've even been on a date. I'm finally learning to love myself for who I am, and who I like. So why can't I seem to find anyone who'll love me too?

Until next time, with love,

~Elli