As we approach dawn (Part 1)....

Again, apologies for not being consistent/on time with my blog. You have no idea what kind of stress I have been putting myself through trying to jump through societies loops. Anyway, as I began to write this post, I realized that I couldn't go in the original direction that I intended. To know where I am really coming from, I had to start from an earlier point in life. So as a fore warning, this will get dark. Very dark.


We have all made mistakes in our past. Some worse than others, but they always seem to come back and bite us if we don't do something about it, whether its something good, or bad. For me....it could have been extremely bad...


Most of my life, I hid my depression from the world. I never quite fit in, but if I could pretend, maybe no one would notice it.  All I had to do is follow exactly what other people, more specifically, my gender did. I tried, and the more I forced myself to act the part, the more difficult it became. It ate away like some sort of infection. Just tearing away little by little, until nothing was left. Eventually, it just became a numbing sort of sensation. I honestly felt dead inside. Which in part, made life a tiny bit more tolerable. Eventually though, that wasn't even enough anymore.


For years I felt depressed, trying to figure out why I felt out of place. Yea, I was the smart kid, the nerd, geek in elementary and part of middle school. I had no guy friends. Yet, I did have friends who were girls, and I seemed to get along with them a lot easier than I did with some of the guys. Scratch that, most of the guys. Of course, when social norms began to divide the boys from the girls, I couldn't help but be forced with the guys. I tried to fit in to the best of my abilities.....but couldn't. Always got picked on, not just for being intelligent, but also because of hanging out with the girls/never being manly enough. Ugh....


Even when I got older, and started to figure out how to be "manly" I still could not shake off my depression. Nothing I would do seemed to fix it. The only thing that did seem to fix it, at least temporarily was me crossdressing. Just wearing female clothes seemed to help me feel....like me. Its very difficult to even try to describe what I felt, since very few people can even begin to comprehend what kind of pain one goes through when they are trapped in a body that isn't their own. Eventually, in high school, I would always seem to find something to wear, that was hidden from public, that would help me survive another day. Whether that item was a sock, or even a bracelet that I took from my sister (sorry sis!), I ended up having some sort of feminine article on my person, or in my bag. All of that did help calm me...at least for a time being.


Honestly, I did not quite understand why that would help me back then. Most of the time, I felt dead, except when I had a female article of clothing or accessory. It felt like I was connected to it, like I was meant to have it. Even now, I still have trouble even trying to describe what I felt. I always returned it, and apparently no one was ever the wiser. Eventually though....that started to fade away. Once again...I felt empty....


The earliest I remember wanting to end everything, not just wondering how life would be without me, was around my sophomore year in high school. That's when I really could not stand it anymore. Life felt dead to me, I was just going through the motions. Started losing my energy to do anything really, and even my grades started to slip a little. Of course it wasn't all of a sudden, it was more of a gradual slope. I began to have no motivation, but still tried my best to hide it. The more I tried to go through the motions, the more I thought to myself, "What's the point?" Nothing really mattered, there wasn't a real point to life, if I couldn't be happy with who I wanted to be.


From that point on, things started going from bad, to worse. By the end of my junior year, I had stopped crossdressing because it began to make me really angry that I was a male, and I would never be a girl. I was masculine, and it showed. I was no longer feminine looking. Why did life, why did God make me like this? Why was I wrong? WHY COULDN'T I BE HAPPY!!!??? Everyone else is happy, or at least seem to be living a happier life....why couldn't I just be a girl.....That summer is when I first attempted suicide....


Until next time,


~Ellie