Once lost....

Hi everyone. Yes, it has been forever since I've last posted. I've been in an incredibly stressed out situation financially, emotionally, and socially. Nothing feels worse than when you are being kicked while you are already down.  What's worse is when no one can or is even willing to put forth the effort to try and help. Even if that help was just for someone to be here, when I was crying.


Most of the things I've been dealing with have been about finances, and my transitioning. Although I consider myself transitioned from male to female, I still feel like I can transition further. To continue my transition, I need more money, but I can't find a better job, or a better place to live, until I do other things that involve my transition, which in turn I need money to do so, etc, etc.


After about 3 months feeling this way, and having each day feel worse than the last, a few people decided to tell me that I do not pass..... After coming out 2 years ago, and overcoming so many obstacles, it has been an extreme challenge to even start to like myself. Everyday I look in the mirror, I hate what I see. Although some friends tell me there's no trace of my old boyish look, I can still see every flaw. After months, I've learned to not be so critical of myself. Started to even realize how pretty I've become. I was finally beginning to get comfortable with my preferred gender. Until one person told me that they could tell that I wasn't a girl....then another...and yet another still.....After 10 months of living full time and taking hormones, why was it that just now were people telling me that I don't pass? Was it because I had too much confidence (which I did not), or was it because I never really passed in the first place? Either way, having about 5 people within the same week tell me that they could very easily tell knocked me back a few notches.....all that hard work, destroyed within moments.


How does something that people can work on for weeks, months, even years be destroyed so easily? Why is it that our psyche can be so easily damaged simply by saying a few words? It really hurt me and made me doubt myself for months. Again. It was more than that though....not just doubting my looks and ability to pass....but doubting my decision to become a girl.


I've tried talking to some people about it. Read online about some people who go through all the alterations and surgeries and regret every decision they have ever made. What if I become like that? Am I making the right decision? What if....what if I really don't feel this way, and it's just because of some silly little idea that I thought was the inner me? There are lot's of irreversible alterations that have to be done to my body to be who I need to be.  So if I am making the wrong decision......then I would be screwed, and would need to learn to live life with the results of my bad decision making. This is something that has occurred to me of course, before starting this journey, but only recently has it hit me hard.


Months of soul searching, and only having a handful of days that I was happy with who I was. It does seem that I have been happier each and every day that I don't worry about passing, but there still is a lot of stress that I have to deal with. Maybe it's just the stress of making sure I look okay? Or maybe because of all the legal and medical requirements to be able to be myself? Maybe it will get easier, maybe not. It took me a while to figure out if I really was happy, and the only way I could do this was to look at my past once more. See how far I've come and how much my life (both physically and mentally/emotionally) has changed.


My blog has helped me with discovering more about myself. It showed my thought process as I became the real me. After this, I looked at pictures of my past that I didn't delete. They also showed a story of my life and how I used to be. Doing this, I continued my research by looking into a box of my old high school life earlier this week. It contains both photos, as well as trinkets with significant meanings behind them. I even found a page from an old journal that I used to keep. The only page that I kept....a drawing. I forgot that I tried to doodle in high school, and I was no good so I gave up. It was enough to make me realize who I was meant to be. It was a boy, crying, feeling trapped and useless. Next to it, it said....I wish I could be a girl.....I wish I was me....


I couldn't believe it. I completely forgot about keeping a journal about me, and desiring to be open with myself. Sadly, I had to destroy it, only because I forgot it at school one day, and I feared that it would fall into the wrong hands. I saved the one page I knew it was important, just in case I needed to be reminded to be myself in the future. It wasn't much, just a small saying, and a drawing. Hard to make out because  of wear and tear, but enough to help me. Maybe I'll touch it up and post it soon.


Well, here I am. Ready to take on the world, again. No more falling into a state of depression and thinking that the whole world is out to get me and I'll never be me. No more doubting myself because of other people. I am who I am. Not a man, not a child, not a freak. I am a woman, and I'm only beginning to explore the world I live in, as well as learn about my true self.


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie


P.S. Apologies again for taking so long to post. I really needed to figure things out. So I will start slow, and hopefully I can get into a groove again quickly. Also, apologies for seeming to jump around a lot and having it be such a long post. I just mostly needed to vent, and writing does help me think things through. :) Oh, and I started this post almost a month ago, but it wasn't until tonight when I could actually write most of it, and finally feel good about it as well. :)