This was the beginning of finding my true self.
Like I've mentioned I've only been testing the waters up to that point. Seeing if I'd be comfortable as myself, and if this is really what I wanted. And to see if I was.....well, passable. Because its me, I see every flaw, every strand of hair out of place, every piece of mis-matched clothing. I start doubting myself because I think everyone else can see every flaw in and on my physical body. So one of the first times I went into a public area was to get my hair done at a salon with a few friends. Luckily I also knew the hair stylist, so it wasn't too terrible. And well, everything went well. Despite me having my own doubts. I went and hung out with these friends for a bit, and it was a good time. Then another friend wanted me to hang out that night, so I went with her and another friend. It was good, until they wanted to go to the bars. Panic attack insued.
I've never done anything like this before. Going out in a very public place, where I would have to SHOW my ID that STILL SHOWS THE OTHER ME?! I thought i would die of embarrassment, or worse. Would the bouncers kick me out? Would they refuse to serve me? What would happen?
After a small panic attack, my friends convinced me to head out. To my surprise, the bouncers didn't even think twice, and best part, no one seemed to care. Ended up having a blast with friends, and just having a good time in general! Met some new friends, and it was wonderful. This was definitely the confidence booster that I needed. I figured they were just being nice, and could really tell who I really was. It was great to finally be able to be myself! It really is the greatest feeling of all!
Well, the best part is, one of the new friends that I ended up making, was told about my past by another friend. Not in a bad way, just wanted to see if people could tell. It turns out, she didn't even think twice of me. She sees me as a girl, and just that, a regular girl. Can't even comprehend me being male! And everyone else thought so too, even though they weren't told about my past! Its so wonderful being able to be me!
With this new confidence, this past month I've gone out and have been myself constantly. I've gone out to a few fast food places, walked around, and even gone to the mall. Its beginning to get to the point where I am starting to feel way more awkward going out in "boy mode" and not in "girl mode". Even having to dress up for work feels terrible. Eventually it will be great to not have to "hide" the real me. Especially when people already say "thank you ma'am" over the intercom! Although they do still get confused when they get up to the window. :P
So for all of those out there who still have doubts (not just trans people, but people who want to be themselves in general) there is hope. Go out there, be you! It is seriously one of the greatest feelings anyone can experience! And I have to give a special thanks to my friend Rose for helping me get over that difficult hump. If it wasn't for you, i'd still be closeted pretty much. Great friends can help you overcome anything! So be you, show the world what you can do!
Until next time, with love
~Elle
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