Rise to the Challenge

So this week was amazing. Like beyond amazing. I got to meet up with my psychologist, and instead of going to his office, we decided to meet out in the real world. Not only that, but I also got to meet a friend in real life for the first time, and had dinner with her. :)


So far, I've only been able to be myself with people that I can trust, and only have gone out in public with them. Yes, I've walked to places alone, and only to meet people at a certain place, like a house, or apartment, or just out at a crossroads. Yet never have I gone somewhere and waited for someone at a public location by myself. This was definitely going to be a new challenge. Another one that will eventually let me be more comfortable as me. And yes, I did freak out and panicked for those of you wondering, but I pushed myself to do it. I was able to conquer another fear as well as another challenge.


So first, on tuesday, March 1st I met with my psychologist. Haven't really seen him since summer, and email can only do so much. Its overdue that we talked about how things are going. I did my usual prep to get ready for a day out on the town. Shave, makeup, and the right set of clothes. Off I went on my quest to become a better me. I was going to meet him at a small coffee shop downtown. The walk there wasn't too bad. No one really looked twice at me, some smiled, and well, it was all fine and dandy. Even saw my hair stylist on the way there. Good time!


Well, I got there, and there were a lot of people. A shiver began to crawl down my entire body, while self doubt began to envelop my very being. What was I doing? Am I crazy? So many people, one of them must be able to spot at least one of my flaws! Did I do my makeup right? Is my hair ok? Do I look like a boy or am I still passable as a girl? Oh gosh, what if someone points me out and yells something like pervert out loud in the middle of the shop? At this point, my mind was going like a million miles, trying to make sure everything went well, while my body ended up going in, and looking around for him. Carefully my eyes looked not only for him, but for any sign of danger. My heart dropped, he wasn't there. Casually I went outside, and sat down. Even more doubts started going through my head. Did he forget? Is he running late? I hope nothing bad happens.


And nothing bad did happen.


He showed up about 15 min later, since he decided to walk. I felt so much better. I waved at him, and well, I realized one thing. He didn't know I was going to show up as me. I forgot to mention it. Well, he saw me, and had to do a double take just to make sure. Turns out, he really did not recognize me from the summer sessions we had. :D


We ended up talking about life, love, family, and what the future holds for me. It was wonderful, and everything went well. I was referred to as ma'am by some of the customers, and it really was a great feeling. He saw how much more confidence I was gaining, and how well my life is going for me now. We even talked about starting hormones soon. After two hours of talking and planning things out, we said our goodbyes, and went on our way. With even more confidence in myself, I knew I was going to be able to do this after all. Things really do start to get easier.


And easier they got.

My friend Rose introduced me to a Transwoman a while back who is relatively close to my age. Of course I can't even imagine her as a transwoman. She is a girl. She really is, there's no doubt in my mind. :) 


Well, she wanted to meet me in person so we planned (poorly I might add) to hang out on Saturday, March 5.  We decided to go out to a local Chinese restaurant. We both love Chinese food apparently :P and well, once again, I walked there. Lots of people were around on my walk there, and once again nothing bad did happen. We met up, and went in. I was a little nervous, but it really does seem to get easier every time I go out as the real me.


Great food, and a great conversation later, I gained even more confidence. Especially when no one at the restaurant even thought twice of any of my flaws that might give me away. They were really nice too! What a wonderful week! If this is what happiness really should be, then what did I used to think happiness was? More confidence in myself, and I know that life will only get better.


But there are still risks that I have to keep an eye out for. Just because things are going really well for me, doesn't mean that nothing bad will ever happen. Some of the fears that I still have about transitioning, is that someone, somewhere might possibly notice that I'm not really who I'm trying to be. So I always have to be paying attention to my surroundings. Making sure that there's no danger, and on the lookout for any escape routes if I need them Sounds a little far fetched that something bad will happen i know, but it can happen. The world can be an ugly place.


Chances need to be taken, and they do come with risks, but in the end, its worth it. Especially when you seem to over think everything. :P


Until next time, with love,
~Elle


P.s. Its funny. Most people call me Elli or Izzy, but I don't think anyone actually calls me Elle in the real world. Am I the only one who uses that? Random though I know :P