A quick recap of life, and how I came to be. Since, well, its been over a year since I've come out fully to the world. :)
I came out on April 27-28 (it was late at night, then mostly the 28th). At that time I was actually with two friends, going to a fraternity thing over in Tacoma, WA. I've always had these depressive states, that I can barely describe as feeling trapped and wrong. I never really understood it. When I finally got home from this trip, I had my worst breakdown to date. I just got home, and started to cry...I couldn't handle it anymore.
I had no idea what was wrong or even why I felt so trapped. All I knew is that I've never felt comfortable in my own skin. Every time I saw myself in the mirror, I never liked the person who looked back at me. He was ugly, dirty, and just someone else. A made up character. I knew that all my life I've tried to be someone I'm not, but what I never realized was how much it was killing me inside. Usually when I doubted myself, I'd distract myself, and shrug it off, as if it wasn't that big of a deal. Always pushing pain and emotions away. Not a very good thing to do. Because of it, every few months (sometimes once a month) I would just break down, and cry. I just felt so trapped.
When I was younger, I thought it was just because people didn't like me. Then, as I grew up, I started to realize that I never really fit in. Of course, the outside world didn't see this. And I did have friends. I just didn't feel right. Only time I did feel right, was when I was secretly wearing womens clothing, or just hanging out with friends, who happened to be girls, especially in high school. We would always just talk about typical girl stuff. You know, relationships and such. And jokingly (although they did say this a lot), they would say, you are such a good friend! If we didn't know any better we'd think you were a girl! Honestly I loved that. Wasn't sure why at the moment, but just did.
When I got to college, I thought it was going to be a fresh start for me. New people, new city, new everything. But the depression didn't go away. I was more myself, and I made friends easily at this point. Got invited to hang out everywhere, but something in the back of my mind kept telling me something was wrong. The feeling of being trapped and uncomfortable kept getting worse and worse throughout my college life. It ended up getting so bad, that I had trouble forcing myself to go out and hang out. I worked, and went to school to keep my mind off things, always working, never socializing. I shouldn't say never, but honestly, not that much.
I did some research on trans people, to see if I fit in, tried asking my friends about it (carefully not to reveal myself) and even in relationships that I was in. People seemed to laugh it off, or not care, or talked badly about that. No help at all. And "nightmares" at the time of me being the opposite sex and being happy, but always ending in bloodshed. Everything I seemed to find on the internet, almost seemed to make trans people look evil or wrong. I just began to worry more and get scared of "being that way".
No one I knew was like me. I couldn't talk to anyone, and felt like if I talked to someone, like a counselor or a psychologist, they would tell me one way or another, without even listening to me.
I just felt trapped, felt uncomfortable in my own skin. Hated myself. Ate for comfort. I ended up weighing almost 295 lbs. This made me not want to go out at all. Still had relationships though. Not sure how that worked out.
Eventually I started to pray. A lot. Prayed to keep me strong, to help me through this, and figure it out. Prayed to Him to make me right, to make the pain go away, to be ok.
No answer.
I got really angry with Him. Why would He make me unhappy and feel wrong? Why do people say that God hates gays? Why would he make me like this!? But I kept praying and researching....
When I got home from a fraternity trip April 28th, I got home and cried. I needed help. I can't get through this alone. I ended up telling some people. A few close friends, and an ex of the time (she's very close to me now) helped me that night. The next day I went to make an appointment with the psychologist for May 6th, 2010. That's when my journey truly began to change. For the best.
He was very helpful. More of a friend, than a doctor really. He helped, and listened. Asked me about life, and what I thought, and helped figure things out with me, not for me. Gave me some reading material, and allowed me to make my own choices, and here we are.
A year later.
No longer am I constantly depressed. No longer do I feel like I don't fit in. I know who I am finally. And the strange part? I never really changed. Yes my physical appearance is changing. I'm becoming more comfortable with who I am, making me more social. I have currently lost 75 lbs and counting. I have closer friends than ever. Although I haven't told everyone about me yet, I'm well on my way to telling them. I hardly live as a boy now, living more and more as the real me. Going to work, and even going out dancing. People don't recognize me (most of the time) or even question my gender. They truly see a girl. It still shocks me how well I can pass now, and looking better everyday. On top of that, I am starting hormones really soon. Within the month soon. Mostly for me, to feel a little more feminine, and make me a little bit more comfortable in my own skin. Now every time I look in the mirror, I don't see that ugly boy there. I am beginning to see the beauty of a hidden girl. A happy girl. The real me.
Until next time, with love,
~Elena Isabelle Nunez
Aka
Elli, as my friends call me, or Elle as I usually sign my name :)
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