So it has been a while since I've written anything for my blog. Honestly, I'm not so sure how many people actually like to read it, or even read it. Just having doubts in all areas of my life lately. Not that I've been depressed or anything, life's actually been pretty good to me. Just, I'm not sure...
First of, it just seems difficult to actually know who is out there receiving my message. Hopefully at least someone out there this blog is helping them. At the very least, I should just write more often for my sake, since writing does tend to help me figure out life.
As far as everything is going, I have officially been on hormones about a month and a half, and been living full time since. No one has really judged, and only 3 people have either not been understanding (by not actually seeing that I'm not a "sir" or asking if i was a guy in drag or a girl). Not bad for being the real me everywhere now. :) So yea, life has been pretty good to me. Can't really complain right? Not so sure.
Mostly just been feeling kind of bleh lately. Trying to figure out where my life is going, where I want it to go, how I want it to go, and on top of that, helping others with their problems. Life actually seems to be back to normal for me, just with me being the real me. Essentially, I'm helping everyone with their stress whether it comes from financial problems, relationships, work, etc. Its just becoming more and more difficult because no one seems to really care or see too much that I would like to vent also, or would like some help.
When people talk about how they've been single, and no one likes them, and they have (insert self esteem issue here) and no one likes that, and so on and so forth, its just frustrating. You have problems, but aren't the only one. At least everything about you is real, physically. I still have to hide tons. Just because I'm passing, doesn't mean I pass. Plus emotional problems, and relationships? I can guarantee that it is more difficult for me, period. I need to at least make sure everything is in check.
I've started to get really nit picky about everything. My makeup, clothes, hair, everything. It feels like everything I'm doing isn't working, or makes me stick out. Basically, I'm getting really frustrating with myself. Friends have been there saying things work, or don't work, etc. Friends have a biased for me, as well as I do with myself. And I can't just ask a random stranger. That could turn really ugly really quick. The one thing that I know for a fact would help, is if someone finally did ask me out, boy or girl.
I guess I'm also just tired of being single. Lately, I've been wanting a relationship. Boy or girl, since I am bi, but leaning towards a guy. Being me though, I won't put myself out there. Too afraid I guess and its starting to just make me frustrated with myself. If a random guy wants a legit relationship with me, and even is completely okay with me, it would help remove all my doubts. At least in my mind it would. Or at least care less what the world thinks. Not depressed, but not too terribly happy. Just bleh.
Hopefully things will start looking up soon. Its been far too long since I've even been on a date. I'm finally learning to love myself for who I am, and who I like. So why can't I seem to find anyone who'll love me too?
Until next time, with love,
~Elli
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