The Real Me....

Finally! A day off tomorrow! X(


Alright, so long and terrible couple of weeks so far. Just with work, people quitting, not doing their job, lots of arguing, me being used as a filler because i can actually *do* my job, etc. Its been rough to say the least.

Good things so far? Passing. Feeling good about myself. Still have some doubts, but overall, can power through them. People see me as female, and only female, no questions asked. Even on my worst days (rushed to do makeup, and my voice isn't hitting in my normal range) they see and hear female. Hormones are finally balancing out (at least it seems like it) and I feel, I guess normal. I feel my full range of emotions (although at times they do seem to be intense) and I'm appearing more feminine each passing day. Starting to feel normal finally. 


There is a question that people seem to ask quite frequently though. Why am I choosing this difficult lifestyle? Can't I just be happy the way I am? You don't have to change yourself to be happy.


Good question. And you are correct! In a sense.


I am happy the way I am. I am a girl, and I always have been. This is me, not changing my personality or anything. I'm just slipping out of my costume, and it feels great to not pretend.


When I was "him", I always felt the need to pretend. To act like I like the things other boys do. To rough house, to be a man. Forced to live in a society of men. Pretended to be someone who I'm not. Every time I looked in the mirror, that boy, man, always stared back. An empty shell. Every picture taken was of him trying to sell a fake smile. He was dead inside, just a shell. An old costume that people enjoyed seeing, but never got to know the history, nor the actress behind it. She was inside, yearning to show her real face, her true identity. Everyone knew the character, but not the person portraying it.


Its a very painful feeling, and most will never experience it, or never understand. Some can relate, but only in a small way. It is a very difficult idea to grasp. How can one be expected to smile, when their true colors are hidden? When one feels like they are looking at a person who clearly exists, but it isn't them? You see a person in the mirror, and it isn't you. Where are you? You don't even know what you look like...


It is a terrible feeling. And even after coming out, it was (still is) difficult to see that other person at times. With time though, they will transform. Your inner self will begin to gain strength, and shine through the darkness. The shadow, the dark past will begin to fade, it will be lost, but it will never be forgotten.


Honestly? Our past is full of secrets that most of us will never want to share, or even remember. I, for one, chose not to forget. It is what makes us whole. Without it, we have no future.  We may dislike parts of our past, but we would not be the same person we are today if it wasn't for the past.


So, back to the question. Why am I changing? I'm not. I'm still the same person. This girl is a gamer, snowboarding, loves ninjas, is a giant (and I mean GIANT) geek, that can still hang with the guys, but still has her feminine side. After a few months, I finally began to see her through the costume. She is strong, stronger than I thought possible, more outgoing and the person who I really am. And you know what? She fits me better.


I am me.

Until next time, with love,
~Ellie


P.S. ~Afterthought~


Every time I see an old picture of me, I just see another person. Yes, it was my past, but it wasn't me. He is a different person, although I will miss him. It is a little strange though, I do seem to feel a little bit sad. Its as if a close friend/family member has passed away, never to be seen again. Memories of his life are left in tact, but did he really exist? It is a very strange feeling. I bet this is what some friends/family might be feeling toward my situation. His memories will live on though. Huh....Seriously interesting feeling I can't even explain it, at least not yet. New point, new feeling. Must reflect and meditate on this. More on this later, if I figure it out.