Lesser of two evils....

Lately I've been fighting with myself. A lot. People say they want one thing with me, then say they aren't ready, or just send mix signals. On top of my already stressful job, this hasn't helped me. In fact, it has made me almost ten times more stressed. Which, in turn, has weakened my body enough to catch whatever is going around. Everything just seems so overwhelming now. Not a single good sign is to be found this last week. So, with stress, and feeling everything, going from being super happy, then all of a sudden really frustrated, and just a cascade of overwhelming emotions. From depressed, to extreme happiness. Trying to find a way to control it, and find a balance.


Welcome to being a girl.


Many of my friends have said this to me. Yea. I chose this path, and I knew it was going to be difficult, and bumpy, but wow.... I really feel like life is sending me something good, just to take it away right away. I just sometimes wish it was easier. So many things keep coming up, to knock me down, and although I'm still getting up, I feel like I'm close to being knocked out. Is it because this town is too small for me? Am I not interesting enough? Are people really that selfish? I really do not know.


I guess I'm just getting mixed signals from everyone. It feels like they are just playing games with my heart/mind.  "You look beautiful, have a wonderful personality, and are plain amazing!" Different people have said this to me (either one part, or all of them) yet most of them have ended in "I can't date you", "I'm in love with my ex still", "I have some baggage I need to figure out still", or best of all, just end up being creeps who only want one thing. These are just the people I've gone on dates with. Everyone else I meet, it feels to me that they also give me mixed signals. :/


Like I said, maybe its just me.


So why do I chose to be like this if it seems to make me miserable, and a bit crazy? Why am I dealing with being over emotional and everything seeming to fall apart? Simple. I hated being a boy.


It was worse for me, dealing with being fake, not being myself, and just feeling wrong. Depressed, and suicidal, I didn't want to deal with that anymore. Everything would make me angry. There was no hope of a better life in anyway it seemed like. Instead of taking a quick way out, I decided to explore the unknown options. Yes, I felt like a girl, and felt like my body was wrong, so before actually taking full action on that one thing, I decided to figure things out. Turns out, I'm a better person as a girl, then I ever was as a guy.


So my new life is still slowly being built. I can't have a stable life until my foundation is set. Slowly the pieces are falling into place, and yes, I'm a little impatient at times. When things aren't going my way, I tend to feel terrible and cry. It just comes with the new life. I need to keep reminding myself that good things will come to those who wait. As of now though, I think I'll keep crying for a little bit longer. It at least makes me feel a little relieved.


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie


P.S. Eventually I'll get on an actual topic again. For now though, I think I just need to write my thoughts, especially since they are all over the place, and I need to figure out a way to organize them. :/