Happy Thanksgiving!

Okay, so two things. 1) I stayed with this blog for a whole year and (mostly) kept writing in it. 2) I need to schedule time for myself just for this. No excuses, just because work has kept changing my schedule does not mean that I shouldn't be able to write here once a week. Also, the fact that I bought Skyrim last week has nothing to do with me putting the blog off either (insert sarcasm here). Great game....must...not....let....it.... consume me! :P

A little recap of what has been going on. Work has been hectic, but at least my hours have decreased a tiny bit. Helps with dealing with stress. Need to call a new doctor this week, since my old one has moved away. On top of that, I also gave up on dating for a while. Too many jerks to deal with. :/ Oh! Before I forget, Transgender day of Remembrance was on sunday this week (November 20). Every year this day is to remember those who we have lost, just for daring to be themselves. We even held a public event on the 17th to help spread awareness. All thanks to a friend for setting up the entire thing. :) My thanks goes out to you. I'll probably write more on this later (hopefully this week). :/ Okay. How about I give myself a deadline by saying it WILL be done. :) So, back to why I've been stressed lately. My family.

Last time I saw family, was probably last winter for a day, but in reality, its been a few years. I've always avoided them, just because I was afraid of what they would think of me if they ever discovered about me being a girl. I came out to them over a year ago, and I still worry about what they think of me. I miss my family dearly though, and want to see them again. They also want to see me, even though I am not the son they thought they had.  In short, I'm going home today (Tuesday, November 22, 2011) for thanksgiving. 3 and a half days with them. The closer its been getting the more and more I worry. The stress has been killing me just because I have no idea how things are going to play out. Most of my old friends, and none of my family from back home have seen me since my transition. I am going to be a stranger to them, a fact that I have now accepted.

Another thing that has made me worried about this week, is that I don't know how my family is going to act toward me. Its going to be awkward for sure. They say they love me no matter what, but we shall see. This is another ultimate test. Ugh! I just don't know what to think. My logical side knows that its going to be okay, nothing bad is going to happen, but my irrational side has been giving me nightmares, as well as just overall stress from this visit. Especially since I'm not just seeing my family, but my best friend's family as well, who might as well be part of the family. As well as most friends.

So many nightmares, each one worse than the last. I haven't really slept in a few days, and tonight is no different. I know I need the sleep since I'm leaving early(ish). Alright, enough with ranting about nonsense. Hope for the best but expect the worst. I need to relax...

With love, until next time,
~Ellie