Most important thing in life...

First off, I know I promised to do a double update, but when I got back home, the internet was down. For two days. I could not believe how antsy I got just because I felt that I had no connection to the world. Kind of interesting how our lives revolve around the internet and phones and whatnot. Anyway, hopefully everyone else (at least in the states) had a great thanksgiving. :)


So, I'm glad to be back home after visiting family. I haven't seen them in almost 2 years, and on top of that, this was the first time as myself. Yes, it was ridiculously awkward. I can't even imagine another scenario that could be this awkward....at least in my life. Anyway, I haven't been able to sleep, so by the time I saw my parents I was dead tired. Already off to a bad start, without being able to organize my thoughts.


I felt torn the entire time being there. It felt familiar, yet so much has changed, and since I seem completely different now, it just felt almost surreal. As if I was just there, posing as someone else, essentially replacing him. My old self. No one really knew how to act around me, or even knew how to talk to me. Most of the time they talked with others around me, and well...I didn't know what to do. So I kept to myself. This wasn't just family though, it was also my friends. They seem to accept me, just seem more like they aren't comfortable, or still just feel awkward around me. I had mixed feelings those few days...


For those who did want to talk, I would talk, and I would not hold back (aka I wasn't too shy, since I still spoke with honesty and truth). And I thank those who did. I know it must be really difficult, both for them and for myself. It's something we all have to get over, and will get over soon enough. Hopefully.


It wasn't all bad. I mean, there were many good aspects of the few days that I was there. Even my mom tried to call me her daughter, and referred to me as a female. At least she's trying. I know I should have tried more to show that I'm comfortable like this, but it was the first time being like that around old friends and family. It'll get better with time, I'm sure of it. Another aspect of this weekend, that I wanted to mention, was my clothes. I mostly just wore jeans and a tee, but my shirts weren't always just a plain old t-shirt. Some were nicer than others. On Thursday though....I decided to wear....something nicer. My friend Sidney did mention to me something that seemed to help tons. To help convince my family and friends that my new life isn't just a phase, but who I am, I shouldn't just wear jeans and t-shirts. I should go super girly. :P Okay....so I didn't go super girly, with a skirt, heels, lipstick and all that junk. It's nice to dress like that sometimes, but for me, its too much. Maybe on special occasions. Anyway, all I decided to to was wear my flats, dress pants, and a nice long sleeve shirt that I really enjoy wearing, and basic stuff with my hair. Nothing extravagant, but I looked nice.


Well, that's when I noticed how more people started referring to me how I would rather be referred as. And things began to get less and less awkward.


After things died down, my mom and I were sitting on the couch, just chatting. She was watching tv, and I was playing a game on my DS (yes Tyler, it was Phoenix Wright :P), and I began to feel....normal with her. Comfortable really. Then she asked me something that caught me a little off guard.


Are you happy?


Well, I gave her the short, one word answer, but I really wanted to be more thorough in my explanation. So here it is, for my mom, and everyone else out there:


My life is now more hectic than ever before. More people are in my life that I could imagine. My job is horrible, and hectic, and gives me a good amount of stress. Deal with bosses still getting used to the new pronouns. Explain to customers or other employees why they referred to me as he, not she. when said bosses screw up. Need to make an appointment with a new doctor asap since my old one moved on, which is more stress. Need an eye doctor appointment too. Fix or sell my car. Some financing needs to be done. I need to start my legal name change soon, because I am now starting to have a difficult time with my debit card/Identification. Apparently people think I'm using my brother's stuff. Find a new job in Seattle within the next 6 months. CLEAN. MY. APARTMENT. Deal with bills on top of bills. Find a new place to live for when I move to Seattle. Visit and talk with friends/family more. Pray that my grandfather will be alright, and that my mother can make it to Mexico safely. Remember to take my pills on time every day, and not forget about it for like 4 hours. Figure out why I keep finding jerks to date. Continue tossing out my old clothes (or donating them) and get new clothes. All this translates to....STRESS STRESS STRESS!!! SO MUCH TO DO! 


I love it.


For the first time in years, I feel normal. I feel like living, I feel alive! I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I feel more like I don't have to hide, and can be myself. I have lost about 80 lbs trying to be myself. Yes, there are some rough spots, but life is slowly but surely getting better with each passing day. I love myself, and am happy to finally be me, and feel like no one is judging me (well more than everyday normal thoughts :P) and even if they do, who cares? I now see what most people have been telling me for a while. I am a strong person. I have been through a lot, and now have the confidence to fight back if need be. Fight for everyone's right to be themselves. Strong for those who still are frail and finding their path through life. I am more than just happy. I am finally free, to be myself and to embrace life with everything it has to offer.


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie


P.S. So yea....kind of a funny story with my bosses. I was able to talk to them about using the correct pronouns and it went better than expected. Granted, it bothers me hearing them calling me he instead of she, but lately I've had to explain to some new employees because of this situation. Apparently they wonder why they call me a man when I clearly look female. The explanation I have to give them is that my parents picked out a boy's name, and really wanted a boy. But it turned out I was a girl. So legally I have a boys name. And since that was the case, the bosses always saw my legal name and assumed I was a boy. So when they finally saw me and knew me, they realized I was female, but its still difficult for them to get used to me having a legal boy's name. Hopefully that makes sense, but yea, that's the story I told them on the spot. A little elaborate, but it gets the job done. And its not entirely a lie.... :P