Darkest before dawn...

Lately, life hasn't been so great. Things keep popping up in places where you might not expect to, and can hit you without warning. Money. Work. Friends. Relationships.  All of these have been adding stress to my life, that I really do not need in this transition. Having to worry about everything, including myself? Ugh! Too much!


Money. Bills, bills, and more bills. I save a  little bit from each paycheck just so I can continue to change my wardrobe. Now that I finally have a decent amount of clothes for summer, fall has started, and winter is right around the corner. Its hard to keep up! And its expensive if you want to look good. :P The one good thing about the bills though? My doctor bills are paid in full. Stress- a gazillion billion or something. Lost count. Relief-1. At the very least lol.


Work. Wow....talk about thankless. Really. Prime example. We raised our prices of cheeseburgers to 1.19. 1.27 after tax. Our owner/higher ups did not tell us about this change. Not even a warning. So what happens next? We get customer after customer blowing up at us. It happened for about a week and a half. Yea. We have control over our prices. On top of that? Drama. Lots of it. People need to grow up honestly. Only good thing with work? I have a job, income, and I've made some good friends there. On top of that, they are okay with me being me. Stress......still pretty high. At least relief is starting to come back.


Friends. Its tough to say. I know they will be there when I need them, and are willing to hang out. I also understand that they are busy and have a busy schedule/life. It just feels like I might not be too important in their life. I've been pretty anti social most of my life, only socializing with people I actually know and want to be with. Parties? Yea right. I avoided them as much as I could. Point is, being alone, and with no one to hang out with, make me think about bad things. Especially now that I want to be more social. I'm comfortable enough with myself now, that I want to just be with people for a change. Good thing? Well, some people, have pushed around their busy schedules just to actually talk to me, or be with me. There are a few people trying, and I appreciate everything they do. I'm not angry at my friends or anything like that. Not at all, just would be nice to see people again. :)


Relationships. Non existent. Seriously. I haven't been asked out, or anything in over a year. Its as if no one seems me, I'm not interesting or anything. It is a terrible feeling! I'm here! Please someone ask me out! I promise I'm not intimidating! Anyway. Yea so its non existent. But you know? Its okay. I had a lot of growing up to do, and I had to make sure I was truly happy, not just sort of happy with myself. I needed to love myself, and be happy with what I was becoming. Since starting to transition, I've always had doubts. Will I pass? What if something bad happens? Am I dressed appropriately? Tons and tons of questions. All going through my head at once. I need to know me, and be happy with myself before getting into anything serious. Good thing here? Actually, really isn't one. But at least I'm not upset or depressed about it! :)


So I've actually started to look at more positives lately. I'm by no means an optimist. I'm more of a realist. So why am I so cheery with things seeming to go wrong, or at least not my way? Simple. I don't know. :)  It has been a rough ride, and there are still many bumps in my future. All I can say is that I began to feel all my stress hitting me at once last week. It felt like I couldn't do anything about it. No one to help me, no one. Finally, I decided to stop holding my breath, and closed my eyes. Deep breathe, in, then out. I began to listen to everything. Not words, but surroundings. Feel everything. Smell, taste, then see. I......something snapped in me. 


Well, it was more of a realization. When things seem at its worst, there is always hope. I was letting everything that was going wrong in my life get to me. Granted, nothing really was/is going my way, but that's not the point. Just don't let it get to you. With this, I was able to make great progress in my transition. For the first time ever, I actually can fully admit that I pass. I PASS. No, better than pass. I am me. A girl, a person. 


Instead of looking down when I walk, I look up, and smile. People look at me, and smile back. Lately, my thoughts of "OH GOD CAN THEY SEE STRAIGHT THROUGH ME AND REALIZE I'M NOT A GENETIC FEMALE" have gone to more of a "He's cute, I think he's checking me out!" And that can be replaced with she as well. :P Just in the past few days, more flirting from my end has even happened. I don't always realize I do this, but my friends sure do. I even started to stop trying to dress like one thing or another, and just dressed how I like with what I like. Yea pea coat, military hat, and batman belt buckle! :P I'll have to post a picture of that sometime. I just wore it cause I like it, but I did overhear a group of girls talking while I walked by, glancing in my direction. At first they were quiet, but then I heard them say, "Is she really wearing that?" Of course my first thought was "oh god...just keep walking before something bad happens." but then they said, "How can she pull that off, its cute but it really shouldn't be."  "She looks so confident" Another one said. I think I also overheard something about them being a little jealous. I quickly glanced around, and there wasn't any other girl near me. They were talking about me. I went inside this little bar/restaurant, listened to some great music, and all was well. :) Maybe it was just me, overthinking things, again, but in a positive manner. Or maybe I did hear it correctly. Either way, I felt good. Although I know some doubt will always linger, Much of it has been eliminated. I am confident. I don't really care what the world thinks of me anymore. I like me, and that's what's important


Until next time, with love,
~Ellie
P.S. Yea, this is kind of a two parter, but eh, its pretty much what happened this week, and I really didn't want to split it up! :)