A Brotherhood So Strong....

A while back I did a quick recap of when I came out and where I was. I mentioned a fraternity.

My fraternity.

Phi Mu Alpha is a music fraternity that promotes music in America. Its wonderful. Lots of singing, and many great friends that I've made with my experience there. Not friends, Brothers I should say. They were with me through the rough times, as well as the great times. Everyone has their own experience with the group, and although mine was a bit.... unorthodox, one thing is always the same. A strong bond is formed.

Yes, when I was in college I decided to join a fraternity. Yes, a fraternity, not a frat. It was my second year here, and a few people were still trying to convince me to join since my freshman year. "Well, I do like music, and I do need to start socializing more" I thought to myself, still trying to figure out if this would be the right path for me. Although it took me a while to decide, I went for it. One of the best decisions I've made to date.

Although I was with the group for three years with no one ever knowing about my secret, I still felt a sense of belonging with the group. Not only did we do our weekly meetings and whatnot, but we all hung out with each other outside of meetings and events. Of course it wasn't until April of my last year in college when I went to Tacoma for a small fraternity event when I finally broke down....

April 27-28

It wasn't anything big. Three of us from the Beta Sigma chapter decided to go over to visit another group of Phi Mu Alpha members in Tacoma. Fun times all around. This thing though....in the back of my head keeps nagging me, telling me I should come here, and start a new life. It would be easier and no one would ever have to know. I started feeling trapped again. This isn't who I am, this is a fake person. I shook it off, trying not to think about it. I'm a man.....just have to keep reminding myself of that. Back at the hotel, that feeling just kept pushing and pushing more and more. I just wanted to cry. I was having a breakdown, and it was going to be my worst one yet. I can't cry in front of my fraternity brothers though, what would they think of me? Okay. We are enjoying a few beers now. Sharing? Okay. Maybe I should tell them about me, and what I've been feeling. What if they won't understand? I can't stand it anymore! I NEED TO TELL SOMEONE! No.....need to be strong. Need to stay strong.....bed....yes, maybe sleeping will help.

On the trip back....things did not get easier. It was eating inside of me. I texted a few people about how I felt. Once home, I broke down. For hours. I couldn't lie to the world anymore, or myself.

From that day I began realizing who I am. Found some help, talked with many people, and slowly began to come out.  The day I ended up telling the fraternity (a few Brothers already knew at this point) was the first time I fully understood the meaning of brotherhood. I was nervous when I told them, scared too. I didn't know how they would react. Shaking with fear, and my throat tightening up, I was able to make the words come out of my mouth. Yes, some of them were in shock, while others weren't really that surprised. But they all got up and hugged me. I was still a part of the group, a part of them, and I would still be the same person no matter what. They accept me for who I am, not what I look like.

I took a year off from seeing anyone really. Friends or brothers. Even family. I needed to try to figure out my path in life and becoming who I need to be. I'm far from there, but now I'm at the point where I feel comfortable enough with who I am. Enough to pick up where I had left everyone. As the new me.

I've reconnected with old friends and my Fraternity just within these last few months. I am going to attempt to make more meetings and events with my Brothers. They have always been close to my heart, and always will. I've only gone to one small meeting, that was more of an ice breaker for potential members. Most people were confused, given the situation, its understandable. For those who knew me back then though, welcomed me. They didn't really treat me any different. It was a wonderful feeling, feeling welcomed and feeling like if I never left. Most don't even call me Brother anymore, but Sister without even asking me, which always seems to put a smile on my face. The only tough thing I had to deal with was when we sang. I always had trouble hitting those low notes, even as a tenor I. Since I've been practicing my voice, and pretty much using a higher voice, its easier to hit the higher notes, but almost impossible to hit those pesky low ones! :P Thank you Brothers, for keeping me in your life, and allowing me to keep you in mine.

Until next time, with love,
~Ellie
OAS AAS LLS

P.S. Yes, that quick flashback was pretty much me rambling to myself in my head. I do that a lot. Still.